In the spirit of the late, great blog FreeDarko, we present extremely important previews of every SEC football game to be played in 2011. Note: everything that is written below is completely factual, so don't bother to fact check it. We did that already with science and computers and stuff.
September 1st (Thursday)
Mississippi State at Memphis. Chris Relf will start smoking on the field in the third quarter, both to make it fair for Memphis and because it will just feel right, y'all.
Kentucky vs. Western Kentucky (In Nashville). Morgan Newton sells his classy name to a new private academy in Nashville. NCAA investigates, vacates entire season. Western Kentucky still goes winless.
Utah State at Auburn. I saw Utah State's equipment trailer outside of the stadium in Boise last year. It is a converted horse trailer pulled by a pickup truck. The entire setup costs, like, way less than $180,000. <---number picked randomly.
Kent State at Alabama. Nick Saban is an alum of Kent State, and played defensive back there. By the end of the fourth quarter, you will learn how much he hated every minute of it.
Brigham Young at Ole Miss. Bronston Nuttenhall would be an incredible and inspiring name for a coach.
Montana at Tennessee. This game should involve native wildlife from each state to make things fair. Possums make poor safeties.
Missouri State at Arkansas. Stadium announcer: "At the end of the first half, it's Arkansas 31, Missoureeee State 0."
Lone Missouri State fan watching on pay-per-view: "It's MissouRAH, dammit."
"This is Bobby Petrino. Missoureeeeeeee."
Florida Atlantic at Florida. I would like to found Florida Pacific University. We'll have a campus in Tahiti. This campus will be a luxury resort, and I am attempting to commit fraud.
East Carolina at South Carolina. Pirates versus cocks. Based on my
extensive reading of best guess about homosexual pornography, the winner here is EVERYONE.
Elon at Vanderbilt. The game where no one wants to look too good at football, because that would mean you were poorer than the other team.
Boise State vs Georgia (at Georgia Dome). Pat Forde: "Bus." Atlanta: "MARTA." Pat Forde and Boise are both mugged in a parking lot.
Oregon vs. LSU (at JerryDome). "Jerry, this is a great private plane, but I can't coach the Cowboys as long as my heart is at LSU." "Les, this is a golf cart. We're just taking a ride to the practice fields. I'm not offering you the job." "Heh, well buddy, we'll just agree to disagree."
Central Michigan at Kentucky. Kentucky should be allowed to make cameos in every conference in college football. The J Cole of football teams, if you will.
Mississippi State at Auburn. A postgame handshake so icy Germans will describe it as "heartwarming."
Alabama at Penn State. "Man, that's a nice team you got there, Nicky. Real nice. BTW, I've always thought this, but that movie Charlie Chaplin made about you was really unfair. You take care of yourself, now."
Cincinnati at Tennessee. A woman is described in "Rocky Top" as being "half-bear, other half cat," so if the locals get a little handsy with you, Bearcat fans, that and corn liquor should explain the unwanted affection.
South Carolina at Georgia. The episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm we can't stop watching in the SEC: Two old guys, bumbling discomfort, and in the end everyone ends up a little unhappy no matter how it ends.
Southern Illinois at Ole Miss. "Saluki? I recruited a running back outta Coldwater named that once. He didn't qualify academically, but we really liked him."
New Mexico at Arkansas. Mike Locksley will punch out Bobby Petrino at the fifty after a 40-point thrashing of the Lobos, and will simultaneously receive a $150,000 check from Arthur Blank and a raise from his terrified superiors at the University of New Mexico.
UAB at Florida. Hahahaha the Blazers are coming to Gainesville. <----WEED JOKES.
Connecticut at Vanderbilt. "Dear Heavens, Chad. These people don't resemble the Connecticuttians we consort with." [sips Arnold Palmer, adjusts knotted sweater around neck] "I'm told they're 'preppie juggalos,' whatever that means." "indeed."
Northwestern State at LSU. The entire second half of this game should be forfeited in the name of a giant cookout.
September 15th (Thursday)
LSU at Mississippi State. Les Miles has to be told not to use a cowbell on his own sidelines while his offense is on the field. "BUT IT'S FUN." [clang clang clang clang clang]
Coastal Carolina at Georgia. The name Coastal Carolina implies the existence of "Lesser Inland Wasteland Carolina," and for that we salute you, devious Coastal Carolina. That would not be Clemson, and stop thinking such mean thoughts, you.
Auburn at Clemson. Clemson has a new offensive coordinator. Auburn is replacing Cam Newton and their offensive line from last year. Remember those episodes of Battlebots when both robots would go the wrong way, miss each other and just butt into opposite ends of the cage while everyone threw up their hands and shook their head? that episode.
Nothing like this. BRING BACK SEAN SALISBURY.
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt. For the second year in a row, Houston Nutt will ask where Bobby Johnson went. He will not be joking.
Tennessee at Florida. Tennessee vs. Florida was a rivalry as contested in the 1990s as the debate between Oasis or Blur. Right now in 2011, both debates seem pretty embarrassing in retrospect, and will continue to be so until future notice. ALSO: I just realized for the first time that having Charlie Weis as my team's offensive coordinator means Bill Simmons could conceivably attempt to comment on Florida football. I now hate this hire twice.
Navy at South Carolina. Who wants to watch Steve Spurrier have a stroke versus a possession-hogging triple option team? ME ME ME ME!
Louisville at Kentucky. In a perfect world, this rivalry is always coached by Howard Schnellenberger and Rich Brooks, and the postgame show is conducted over fine scotch in front of a roaring fireplace with hunting hounds sprawled on the floor and tasteful 19th century landscape paintings on the wall.
Troy at Arkansas. The film Second Earth got its inspiration from Troy University and Auburn, which both have exactly the same people living slightly different lives on their campuses. The difference is that in Auburn's reality, they beat Arkansas, and Troy does not.
North Texas at Alabama. "You guys played us harder than Penn State, Dan." "Really, Nick?" "LOL NO J/K" --Things Nick Saban Won't Say But He'll Think, available from Penguin Books in fall 2011.
Florida Atlantic at Auburn. Florida Atlantic's just going to try to show up in the SEC by default when they play every SEC team once in a season and just assume membership. They're like Texas A&M in that respect.
Florida at Kentucky. Jeff Demps will show at Keenland when his jockey mistimes his kick down the back stretch. Stupid jockeys.
Georgia at Ole Miss. The number of small tipsy women in sundresses wearing huge sunglasses will make this tailgating look like a convention of dead-eyed, alcoholic PowerPuff girls.
LSU at West Virginia. This game is actually being staged as a set piece for the filming of World War Z. All zombie killings or attacks are real. Animals will be harmed.
Arkansas at Alabama. Dr. Saban holds up a page full of hieroglyphics to Tyler Wilson. "Can you read the third line? What does it say?" Tyler stammers. "I...I...can't read it." Dr. Saban smiles. "Wrong answer," he says, and punches Wilson in the face. #blitzmetaphors
Louisiana Tech at Mississippi State. Yo dawg, we put bulldogs in your bulldogs versus bulldogs so you could bulldog your bulldog while you bulldog, bulldog.
Vanderbilt at South Carolina. The epic tale of Gilgamesh mentions a godlike figure digging a great river's path with his penis. He then crows to the heavens, "Let my penis be praised!" This is a lot what watching Stephen Garcia playing quarterback is like, except he makes turnovers instead of rivers, but still expects the praise. This has nothing to do with this game, but deserves to be said nonetheless.
Texas A&M vs. Arkansas (at JerryDome). This is a conference game, right Aggies? [wink] [nudge] [slips a twenty and a peppermint in a handshake to Mike Sherman.] [Okay, two peppermints Mike Sherman, but that's all you get.] [FINE, THREE AND THAT'S IT.]
Alabama at Florida. No matter how this game turns out, just remember one thing, Nick Saban. Charlie Weis will always have three ring-shaped things you can never have. They're these beautiful onion rings, Nick, and OMG NOM NOM NOM NOM--[devours them all] You're our fat huckleberry now, Charlie, and our fat jokes are done with the kind of affection Florida fans always reserve for their coach. (Affection= "psychotic and schizoid waves of love and outright hatred.")
Mississippi State at Georgia. Bully to UGA: "Stay away from me. I don't know what's going on with y'all, but if it's catching I don't want it, brah. No offense."
Auburn at South Carolina. Steve Spurrier will never learn Gene Chizik's name, and instead just continues to call him "Dubose Two."
Buffalo at Tennessee. Continuing a theme, it would be a much more entertaining contest if this were just the entire state of Tennessee versus an infinite heard of Buffalo. My money's on Tennessee as long as Dolly Parton's in the fight.
Kentucky at LSU. The man named Joker versus the coach who IS the Joker, and who just wants to watch the world burn.
Ole Miss at Fresno State. Houston Nutt talked the team into this by selling it as "a California Beach trip." There is no beach in Fresno, but Nutt doesn't have the heart to tell them, so at the last second he organizes a pool party, trucks in some sand, and hulas the night away with his boys! Houston Nutt is a living sitcom, and no one has told him this or needs to.
Mississippi State at UAB. UAB's always got one really awesome wide receiver, and he's leaving on the Mississippi State bus after this game and going home with them to spend time with his real dad Dan Mullen. He'll leave a moving note written in crayon, and pack his things in a bandana hung on a stick.
Auburn at Arkansas. Gene Chizik loses by thirty on the road. His phone rings. Bobby Petrino's squeaky voice on the other end yells out two words: "THE ARISTOCRATS!" He hangs up.
Vanderbilt at Alabama. Vanderbilt continually ranks in the top-25 nationally in terms of educational value, and that should totally blank out the the pain of Dont'a Hightower stress-testing your sternum with the crown of his helmet, Larry Smith. He can take your ability to walk, but he can't ever take your education.
Kentucky at South Carolina. Spurrier: "If it makes you feel better, Joker, you're twice the coach Bill Curry was at Kentucky. That makes you what, like .5% of a coach? Math was never my strong point."
Georgia at Tennessee. Tyler Bray is so unpredictable. Remember that time he dropped back to pass against Georgia, and just ripped a throw across the middle, hit his man in stride, and it turned out he had accidentally brought one of those Nerf footballs with a tail and wings into the game? Don't act like this very thing isn't going to happen with Tyler Bray at QB. It will, and SEC officials will probably let the play stand until they notice Tennessee had 15 lineman in on the play.
Florida at LSU. Sometime in the heat of the third quarter, down by ten on the road and without hope in sight, Will Muschamp will look across the field and see Les Miles rolling on the ground with a frisky and very much on-the-loose Mike the Tiger. "His belly! It's softer than you could imagine!" is what Muschamp will read on Miles' lips. Somewhere in Austin, Mack Brown will nod, smile, and laugh bitterly.
Florida at Auburn. Do you like games decided by field goals and weeping? TUNE IN.
Alabama at Ole Miss. You are more likely to die falling out of your bed than by shark attack, and even less likely to lose as Alabama to Ole Miss, but don't tell Nick Saban that when he looks up and Ole Miss is up on the scoreboard with thirty second left in the game. He hates your statistics almost as much as he hates Houston Nutt's magical reverend-on-the-lam act.
Georgia at Vanderbilt. "I am terrified by the silence of these infinite spaces." --French mathematician and philosopher Blais Pascal, after attending a Vanderbilt football game in October.
South Carolina at Mississippi State. No, Steve Spurrier, strange games in Starkville in October have never been an issue for you. Proceed without caution!
LSU at Tennessee. Arctic explorers report experiencing a sensation that they were always missing one person on their team, and miscounting the number of people in their party. Derek Dooley would have made an excellent arctic pioneer.
Jacksonville State at Kentucky. Man, I hope Jacksonville State coach Jack Crowe doesn't have any male relatives named James.
Arkansas at Ole Miss. Houston Nutt doesn't remember coaching the Arkansas Razorbacks, but does have fond memories of coaching a USFL franchise in Fayetteville called "The Arky TurboBacon" for ten years. Houston Nutt's memory had an odd way of remembering things.
Army at Vanderbilt. The Vanderbilt alumni association would like to thank the Army for saving their great-great-grandfather's investments in the Philippines in 1898. Well, you and Uncle Willy Hearst, boys! Chin chin!
Tennessee at Alabama. Tyler Bray will deliberately overthrow a ball in the endzone attempting to give souvenirs to a fetching lady in a houndstooth hat and minidress dangling her legs off the breezeway. Being part of the process, she will catch the ball and down it before running to the sideline, demanding the ball on the 20, and slapping the ass of Saban before taking a seat on the bench.
Auburn at LSU. Jordan Jefferson will struggle to read the swirling madness of a Ted Roof defense, and then throw for 300 yards after realizing they don't know what's going on, either.
Ole Miss at Auburn. Houston Nutt in the locker room pregame: "I think this team can get to the ACC Championship Game, boys. I really do." "Coach, we play in the SEC." Nutt, enraged: "DON'T TELL ME WHAT'S NOT POSSIBLE. WE'RE GETTING TO CHARLOTTE, BOYS." They lose anyway.
Mississippi State at Kentucky. I think John Calipari would be a fantastic football coach, and chances are many Kentucky fans think so, too. To be honest, this is why neither party in this discussion is very bright.
Arkansas at Vanderbilt. "This game is a slug crawling on the edge of a razor blade. A slug wearing a very nice and expensive sweater, and a rusty razor you got at a Hot Springs, Arkansas Wal-Mart, but yeah, that's the right metaphor."--Colonel Kurtz's football previews.
South Carolina at Tennessee. Marcus Lattimore runs for threeve thousand yards in this game, and breaks the laws of physics as we know it when he moves Derek Dooley's hair by running by it at high speed.
Georgia vs. Florida (in Jacksonville). The Road has one of the most baffling final paragraphs in modern American literature:
Once there were brook trout in the streams in the mountains. You could see them standing in the amber current where the white edges of their fins wimpled softly in the flow. They smelled of moss in your hand. Polished and muscular and torsional. On their backs were vermiculate patterns that were maps of the world in its becoming. Maps and mazes. Of a thing which could not be put back. Not be made right again. In the deep glens where they lived all things were older than man and they hummed of mystery.
It would madden me, but I just assume it's about Georgia's recent history in the Cocktail Party, though, and it all suddenly makes sense.
South Carolina at Arkansas. Petrino: "I'm like you, Steve, but without emotions and with effective pass protections."
Vanderbilt at Florida. Remember that time Jay Cutler nearly beat Florida singlehandedly at home? This will be like that, but without Jay Cutler, and Earl Bennett, with a confused James Franklin standing shirtless on the sidelines with a "VANDERBILT.EDU/GOLDENPALACE.COM" tattoo on his back to raise awareness about his new job, and to make a little extra scratch on the side, right?
New Mexico State at Georgia. Quick: name the coach at New Mexico State. You don't know the answer without checking Google, but it's Dewayne Walker, former defensive coordinator at UCLA. His job prospects are better than Rick Neuheisel's right now, and he's carrying a 5-21 record into the season. This is your weekly reminder that WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO RICK NEUHEISEL MY GOD REALLY MAN GET IT TOGETHER.
Ole Miss at Kentucky. Randall Mackey is so misplaced at Ole Miss, since he totally sounds like someone Hal Mumme would have recruited by name alone, especially if he were morbidly obese or colorblind.
LSU at Alabama. Nick Saban will watch 87 hours of film in the week leading up to this game, and Les Miles will watch The Land Before Time and demand that his staff cry along with him. LSU will probably win.
Tennessee-Martin at Mississippi State. Fake names for other Tennessee universities happy to take beatings for cash at the hands of major programs:
- Occidental Tennessee Matriculative University-Andy
- Marysville Technical-Buck State.
Middle Tennessee at Tennessee. Continuing this theme, it's only a matter of time before Quarter Middle-ish Tennessee State ups the stakes and starts their own program.
Tennessee at Arkansas. If any rivalry could be called the Johnny Cash Paralyzing Flooding and Poverty Cup, this would be it. Ideally played with typhus on field surrounded by sandbags in a flood plain. Don't laugh: ESPN will do it if Jim Gray says it's a good idea.
Auburn at Georgia. Remember, Ray Goff ended his career by "winning" a tie with Auburn, so on that scale if Mark Richt's on the hot seat at this point, a ten-point loss should suffice in keeping his job.
Louisiana Tech at Ole Miss. Man, Houston Nutt wonders if those boys could make him a rocket ship made of dreams and andouille sausage. That would be AWESOME. (Louisiana Tech: "We're working on it!")
Kentucky at Vanderbilt. In a parallel universe, Mike Leach and Gus Malzahn are coaching this game. That parallel universe is so much better and more entertaining than ours.
Alabama at Mississippi State. Jackie Sherrill might be out there in the parking lot slashing the tires of the Alabama team bus, guys, but he's not doing it on behalf of Mississippi State. Jackie's actually just really into vandalism and property damage. Always has been.
Florida at South Carolina. Stephen Garcia might end his career with two victories against Florida if they win in Columbia this year, but nine years in the SEC will get you there against most teams.
Western Kentucky at LSU. LSU fans don't know what this is, but you're right: they can and will kill it, and batter-fry it.
Samford at Auburn. Hey, did you know this was Terry Bowden's job once? Both of them! Terry Bowden's had more than two jobs. THAT'S THE JOKE.
Mississippi State at Arkansas. Sylvester Croom will be appalled by the number of points in this game.
Furman at Florida. Doesn't matter how many times you ask him, son. Coach Muschamp ain't saying the words "Purple Paladins." It just ain't masculine. Next question.
Kentucky at Georgia. Mark Richt, what is best in life? "Seeing your enemies driven before you, throwing a screen on the goal line, and just giving everyone a big ol' hug, y'all."
LSU at Ole Miss. In the film of this movie, Nicholas Cage plays himself in the role of Les Miles AND Houston Nutt. The prosthetics are horrendous, and it involves Les Miles finding a map of the Illuminati's plans to build the Trojan Horse and fill it with taffy to blow up the moon. Houston Nutt just claps the whole time and points and nods, except for a musical number which really can't be described in fewer than 10,000 words. It will be one of the best films ever made.
Georgia Southern at Alabama. Georgia Southern has a great football tradition, and it end here because they will die on the field against Alabama. #RIPGeorgiaSouthern
Citadel at South Carolina. Having alumnus Pat Conroy on their side, the Citadel can plausibly claim a real advantage in flowery prose about daddy issues. That lone edge is good for no points on the scoreboard and wanking motions from literary critics.
Vanderbilt at Tennessee. The rivalry between chicken sausage ("It's low-fat, which my doctor likes") and pork sausage ("The hell a chicken know about tastin' good in the grindy parts, smart fella?").
November 25th (Friday)
LSU at Arkansas. The Golden Boot trophy appears, and Les Miles says, "That's the worst looking boot ever made. It's made of metal. My dad always told me never to trust a cobbler. And he was a cobbler himself! Ironies never end."*
*Les Miles' father was not a cobbler.
Alabama at Auburn. Rivalry week stakes: the winner gets Pat Dye for a year. He's handy, and likes to mow lawns and stuff. He does leave pants everywhere, though, but think of it as a feature of your Pat Dye, and not a glitch.
Florida State at Florida. Rivalry week stakes: the loser must take spend the full calendar year in the state of Florida. It's way worse than it sounds.
Georgia at Georgia Tech. Rivalry week stakes: shut up, Paul Johnson doesn't care what your stupid faceflaps have to spit out, and never will, son.
Tennessee at Kentucky. Not really a rivalry, but has been entertaining and disturbing in the past few years in the same way that watching two birds in winter fight over a discarded chicken wing is.
Vanderbilt at Wake Forest. Not really a rivalry, either, unless we're talking about some kind of lopsided codger-off between Jim Grobe and James Franklin (a contest that ends in a rout in Grobe's favor.) Jim Grobe! Poke him with a stick all you like, because he's still breathing.
Ole Miss at Mississippi State. Rivalry week stakes: winner can declare themselves rulers of Mississippi, and then quickly abdicate the throne in favor of ruling something more manageable like a herd of millions of voles or something.
Clemson at South Carolina. Rivalry week stakes: They both end up living in South Carolina no matter what happens, so it's really a push regardless of football outcomes.