Maryland Uniform Show Ignores Basic Rules of Runway Modeling

Maryland unveiled a slew of new variations on their uniforms last night in a joint runway presentation with UnderArmour, and before this goes any further we have to say one thing: respect the profession of modeling, UnderArmour. You clearly don't understand what it takes to get down the runway in one piece with your dignity and fashion bona fides intact. After viewing no fewer than five seasons of Project Runway I do, and will proceed to use my degree from The Tim Gunn Institute of Benevolent Bitchcraft and Fashion Stuff to show you what you did wrong.

Lesson: THE CLOTHES MUST MATCH THE MODEL. Got a zaftig lineman? Don't give him an eating disorder by putting him in light, unflattering colors. The poor thing is probably perched over a toilet right now trying to hack his breakfast up just thinking about how he looked in this, crying and dreaming of some horrendous skinny jeans. (Kanye West's days of fashion tyranny have been too numerous already.)

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It's not my fault. I'm naturally long-waisted.

Shame on you, Maryland. Next time embrace his curves, and see returns on both your run game and your fun game.

Now remember what we said about dark colors? Have you ever seen a Yeti in College park? Ray, what did you do? I imagined the least harmful thing I could think of. A Maryland lineman, Ray?

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The Stay-Puft lineman wants you to see the above rule about big men in light, skin-tight colors, and just remember that while accidents may happen in life, tragedies are largely manmade. This is the latter, and the person responsible for it should be beaten with a copy of my new book, Why All New Uniforms Are Terrible And Give Fat Football Players Eating Disorders.

Just look at him. Look at what you've done to him.

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The 76 is his number, and the years of therapy it will take to get over this.

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