100 Absolutely Certain Thoughts For The 2011 College Football Season

BATON ROUGE LA - NOVEMBER 06: Quarterback Jordan Jefferson #9 of the Louisiana State University Tigers is tackled by Dont'a Hightower #30 of the Alabama Crimson Tide at Tiger Stadium on November 6 2010 in Baton Rouge Louisiana. The Tigers defeated the Crimson Tide 24-21. (Photo by Chris Graythen/Getty Images)

The expiration date for Spencer Hall's college football predictions for the 2011 season is 6:00 p.m. ET tonight. Read them quickly before they go bad and start stinking up your refrigerator!

100. Andrew Luck will not regret missing out on a $10 million gap between his possible 2010 signing bonus and his 2011 bonus because he is 22, goes to Stanford, and thinks money is a spreadable condiment.

99. Thanks to the Longhorn Network, Mack Brown says Andrew Luck is right, and that spreadable money tastes delicious on low-fat Triscuits.

98. Suspended Miami quarterback Jacory Harris will walk out of the stadium on Monday night and deposit a plastic bottle in the "Recyclable Paper" slot just to feel whole again. 

97. Purdue's coach is named Danny "Hope." The quotations are ours. The irony is not.

96. There are eight states in Australia: New South Wales, Victoria, Queensland, South Australia, Western Australia, Tasmania, the Northern Territory, and Alabama tackle Jesse Williams.

95. Jesse Williams has a tattoo that reads "I stopped checking for the monster under the bed when I realized the monster is me." He also has a prehensile tail and fangs. One of these things is true guess which one WRONG the answer is both of them.

94. ALABAMA DISASTER HYPOTHETICAL ONE ILLUSTRATING HOW DEADLY THE SEC WEST IS: They get shot to pieces in the one game a year where Bobby Petrino takes the pill from Limitless and begins savaging your team with future football plays not comprehensible by the 21st century human brain.

93. UCLA named two starting quarterbacks, and as a result both should be encased immediately in bubble wrap and borne aloft on sedan chairs to protect their now cursed bones.

92. Kirk Herbstreit's pick of UCLA to win the Pac-12 South shows that the worms that have invaded Herbstreit's brain may be malicious parasites eating his flesh, but at least they have a sense of humor. 

91. Lane Kiffin will at one point call someone "a buttwad" without irony. He just looks like that would be his favorite insult.

90. Chris Fowler's embrace of his elegantly graying hair color makes him look so Senatorial that he is awarded a Senate seat in Colorado in November as a write-in candidate without ever asking or campaigning for the position.He proves to be a competent legislator and responsive public servant to his constituents, all the while maintaining his job as ESPN Gameday's host with no change in performance.


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89. Denard Robinson will enter the season determined to become more of a pocket passer in Michigan's new offense. 

88. Denard Robinson will scrap this idea and just make some stuff up on the fly.

87. THIS WILL BE AWESOME. 

86. Michigan men will find this distasteful, and request that Brady Hoke immediately recruit "tall, immobile gentleman quarterbacks who drift in the pocket like the great, silent, and dignified icebergs of the North Atlantic." (Synonym: "Chad Henne-ish.")

85. Florida will be significantly better than anyone expect, winning nine games on the season and generating their first 1,000 yard rusher since Ciatrick Faison in 2004. 

84. This running back? Chris Demps, an unknown who strongly resembles one small man with another on his shoulders wearing a trenchcoat. His backup, Jeff Rainey, will look strikingly similar.

83. Texas will lose to Iowa State, Baylor, Kansas State, or some other team with 1/10th of their revenue that they have no business losing to whatsoever. 

82. Texas will respond by purchasing the school, closing its doors forever, and selling its students for meat. 

81. Years of frustration builds to a boil when Lou Holtz wraps himself around Mark May's head like an angry marmot and blinds the ESPN analyst.

80. This has no discernible effect on May's ability to correctly or incorrectly state facts or opinions about football. Both parties remain close friends.

79. Notre Dame wins 10 games, and everyone keeps an even keel and notes their favorable schedule AHHAHAHA THEY GO OVERBOARD AND SAY INSANE THINGS LIKE WAKE UP THE ECHOES AND PICK THEM FOR THE NATIONAL TITLE. 

78. Notre Dame then continues a beloved American tradition by losing their BCS bowl game in painful fashion.

77. Geno Smith of West Virginia passes for over 3,000 yards. Dana Holgorsen sips a Red Bull.

76. Dana Holgorsen will need at least one new kidney after wearing one out while revamping the West Virginia offense and sipping (one thousand) Red Bulls.

75. West Virginia administrators supply him with, like, a bucket of kidneys, but won't tell him where they came from. Dana accepts, continues to sip Red Bull, shrugs at sketchy black market kidneys. 

74. Georgia running back Isaiah Crowell has a dynamic first season, rushing for over 1,000 yards in his first eight games and raising eyebrows with his outstanding athleticism.

73. Unfortunately for Georgia, Crowell is booted by the ever-vigilant Athens police department for standing in a no parking zone, and has to play with the heavy metal contraption bolted to his foot. He rushes for 78 yards and one score in yet another loss to Florida in Jacksonville.

72.  Steve Spurrier will alternate quarterbacks for the fourteenth year in a row, proving that those who repeat the same thing over and over again expecting different results are really just Steve Spurrier doing stuff in disguise.

71. ALABAMA DISASTER HYPOTHETICAL TWO ILLUSTRATING HOW DEADLY THE SEC WEST IS: They play a game against a middling Houston Nutt team on a noon kickoff. The Right Reverend is deadliest when you are sleepiest.

70. Clemson's offense under new offensive coordinator Chad Morris (late of Tulsa) will be the second biggest surprise of the ACC.

69. The first will be that you have somehow started watching another ACC football game for some reason. Ahhh, damn you 12:30 timeslot. It's this or Pam Ward. So brunch with Tom O'Brien it is.

68. Brunch with Tom O'Brien is always oatmeal, and concludes with him punting the bowl neatly into the sink on 3rd down.

67. Having absolutely no expectations whatsoever going into 2010 after an obvious peak with All-American and all American quarterback Ricky Stanzi, watch Iowa steamroll their way into a lead in the Legends division. 

66. Every score in this win streak will be an irregular score not anticipated by even the most deranged gambler, including an 11-"purpleleven" win over Nebraska.

65. You still don't know the divisions in the Big Ten, and never will because they are stupid. Feel under no obligation to learn them ever.

64. Michigan State will make Little Giants the base play in their offense. This will work a lot better than you think.

63. In place of Indiana/Purdue in Bloomington, the Big Ten Network instead shows a marathon of "Boy Meets World" episodes. 

62. The Big Ten Network receives no complaints, and gets positive feedback on the decision from viewers.

61.  Cal reveals their cunning gambit of allowing Colorado into the Pac-12 just to play their away games for the Bears. "We're gonna focus on the only games we can win, our home games," said coach Jeff Tedford. 

60. This gambit backfires badly when Cal remembers that Colorado is even worse in road games than the Cal Bears. 

59. John Brantley of Florida and Joe Bauserman of Ohio State will silently exchange lives halfway through the 2011 season just to see if anyone notices. No one will.

58. As a tribute to our recently decommissioned space shuttle program, Vontaze Burfict will throw Arizona quarterback Nick Foles directly into the loading dock of the International Space Station.

57. Foles will spend 183 days conducting experiments on the shuttle, and conclude that even from space you can see how little depth Arizona has on their offensive line.

56.  ALABAMA DISASTER HYPOTHETICAL THREE ILLUSTRATING HOW DEADLY THE SEC WEST IS: Alabama goes into a tie game with two minutes left against a Les Miles team, and we watch Nick Saban lose years off his life as his well-ordered Alabama machine has ape-wizard Miles throwing wrenches in it while giggling and playing with the laws of time and space itself. (That's a long sentence, but properly describing Les Miles requires bending the laws of grammar, too.)

55. Somewhere on the windswept steppes of Asia, a grey-eyed lone wolf will still not have as much loneliness and sadness in his heart as Western Kentuck'y mascot Big Red. He could also have the same number of wins in football this year.

Bigred120_jpg_medium

The thumbs up are ironic.

54. FAU Howard Schnellenberger will lose his game against Florida, but his suspenders are victorious no matter what the damn scoreboard says.

53. Chris Relf will swallow a cowbell diving into the endzone for a touchdown for Mississippi State late in the Auburn game. He will clang slightly every time he takes a step.

52. SEC officials will throw a flag for unnecessary celebration on every down Chris Relf plays until he coughs the cowbell out on a particularly hard tackle in the second quarter of the Auburn game.

51. Despite the constant penalties, the Mississippi State offense still places fourth in the conference in rushing offense.

50. Craig James! That's the joke.

49. Oklahoma State QB Brandon Weeden, in a quiet moment on October 7th, wonders what it's like for 27 year olds who didn't make the brilliant decision to go back to college and play football, and who instead have the privilege of working full time jobs and getting on with the rest of their lives.

48. Weeden then nearly dies of laughter, and pulls an abdominal muscle that hampers his throwing motion for the rest of the season.

47. Brady Hoke really tests the limits of that "free Domino's pizza" thing for Michigan coaches.

46. Penn State's Joe Paterno, living up to his promise of calling more plays this year, baffles his offense by calling the entire third quarter of the opener against Indiana State in his native tongue, Ancient Sumerian. 

45. Stephen Garcia misses three weeks in the middle of the season for "just livin', man." 

44. Spurrier suspends him for a quarter, and then reinstates him and starts him against Clemson while wearing his golf spikes on the sidelines. 

43. Florida State's Greg Reid hits a man so hard that Reid himself is split into quantum twins. One stays in the present; the other's memory is wiped clean as he is wormholed back to 1990, where he meets a charming young woman and they fall in love. She becomes pregnant, and gives birth to a strong young boy. They name him Greg, and thus the cycle of Greg Reid fathering himself begins and never ends in timespace.

42. Greg Reid is therefore such a badass that the only man who could father Greg Reid IS Greg Reid.

41. Russell Wilson gets really good at handoffs. 

40. Northwestern's Dan Persa begins his Heisman campaign by unnerving opponents with his unusual snap counts that all end with "Please, thank you, and that would be wonderful if you could do that for me."

39. Navy's Ken Niumatololo sighs at yet another misspelled press conference nameplate.

38. Hawaii's entire football season is cancelled in favor of just broadcasting long, luxurious shots of a shirtless Bryant Moniz paddleboarding at sunset off the point at Diamond Head.

37. Tyler Bray throws for 30 touchdowns on the season.

36. We're not saying whether that's to the offense or defense, but it's definitely around 30 when you add interceptions for TDs and regular ol' TDs up.

35. Alabama fans commission statues of David Allen Coe, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and a large piece of beef jerky for placement outside Bryant-Denny Stadium. Why? Because, well hell, those are all kickass things, too, ain't they?

34. ALABAMA DISASTER HYPOTHETICAL FOUR ILLUSTRATING HOW DEADLY THE SEC WEST IS: They lose to Mississippi State a week after the LSU game. There's no joke there. That could happen.

33. Mike Patrick creeps everyone out just a little. That's not in reference to anything in particular, it just happens all the time. 

32. Oregon emerges from the tunnel at the Civil War game in Eugene wearing their boldest uniform variation yet: Oregon State's road uniforms.

31.Greg Schiano and Rutgers quietly accept a bid for entry into the Sun Belt Conference in mid-October.

30. Every Big 12 team that plays at Kyle Field in 2011 just leaves their towels all over the locker room, and doesn't even bother to clean up all those little hairs and bits of lather they left in the sink after shaving.

29. Bo Pelini has his face tattooed in fluorescent ink on the inside of Taylor Martinez's eyeballs to remind him that terror is not an option at Nebraska, but being locked in a room with the Pelini brothers and a fresh, sturdy phonebook is.

28. NOTE: This may have already happened.

27. Suffering from a protein deficiency, Les Miles replaces the entire surface of the LSU indoor practice facility with a special Field Turf made of beef jerk and shredded tennis shoes. 

26. Miles eats both enthusiastically and without complaint.

25. Missouri stuns the college football world in December by announcing its intentions to replace a relegated Swansea City squad in the English Premier League.

24. They debut by beating a disorganized Arsenal team by 12 goals.

23. Utah State just shows up to Pac-12 meetings and demands a check, hoping no one asks too many questions, man.

22. Jelani Jenkins, cockroach hunter, reads "The Metamorphosis" by Kafka and cries for three hours straight.

21. You stir in your sleep sometime around three in the morning sometime this fall. Dont'a Hightower glares at you from outside your bedroom window, and mouths "YOU." Don't be worried. He does this to everyone.

20. By "this," I mean "is waiting outside your window to kill you."

19. This is the least frightening thing about Dont'a Hightower.

18. ALABAMA DISASTER HYPOTHETICAL FIVE ILLUSTRATING HOW DEADLY THE SEC WEST IS: Nick Saban's Cray Supercomputer of a brain is short-circuited again by Gus Malzahn's loopy hyperspeed Wing-T in the Iron Bowl. It's like watching someone crash a modern laptop by installing Oregon Trail, but it's already happened once.

17. The Fiesta Bowl displays its impressive improvement in accounting procedures by having all prostitutes give out detailed receipts for services rendered.

16. ESPN commentator Urban Meyer punches a Clemson linebacker in the throat while standing on the sideline of Clemson's bowl game against Ohio State, and then smiles a menacing grin at Luke Fickell. 

15. Will Muschamp continues to share a beach house with Jimbo Fisher despite the Seminoles' defeat of the Gators in November. 

14. However, he may just have sat naked on all the furniture without putting a towel down before leaving and turning the place over to Jimbo for the season. Just maybe.

13. A sweaty, sun-roasted Charlie Weis will stand in the heat and blazing sun of a Gainesville midday calling the Florida offense from the sideline without the protection of a dedicated fan or special cooling system.

12. Aside from Dont'a Hightower staring into your window, this will be the most frightening thing you see all season.

11. Gus Johnson will call Washington State's attempt to break the three win barrier for a season like you've never heard a third-rate Pac-12 game called before. #OnlyOnFox!

10. Jim Nantz will not call a single college football game. Be humble and thank the deity of your choice, because if he did mayonnaise would start bleeding from the corners of your television.

9. This happens anyway when he calls anything, but you're usually too numb to notice it, and the dog licks it up promptly. This is why all dogs love Jim Nantz.

8. Minnesota will be far closer to respectability than they've been at any point in their recent history. 

7. This is like the weakest compliment anyone's ever paid to anyone, but still: they'll be a lot better.

6. The Heisman winner will be a quarterback or a running back on the eventual obvious national champion. This is not because Heisman voters are dumb, but because Heisman voters are boring, unimaginative, and bad at quantifying what "outstanding" means in terms of actual value to a team.

5.  The coaching leader in audible and lipreadable televised profanities for the fifth year in a row will be Nick Saban. Hint: his favorite word rhymes with "goddammit."

4. If you want the most disturbing national anthem to be sung at a bowl game this year, it's whoever hires Odd Future to do it. With their history of halftime disaster, we'll put even money on the Orange Bowl as the odds-on leader for this budding catastrophe.

3. Joe Schad will report [SOMETHING HE JUST READ ON TWITTER]

2.  Beano Cook will report [THAT HE HAS JUST BEATEN JOE SCHAD UNCONSCIOUS WITH A SIX PACK OF IRON CITY BEER JUST BECAUSE HE FELT LIKE IT AND WHAT THE BLUE HELL IS A TWITTER--]

1.  You have no idea who will win anything, but the national leader in sassiness for the Nth year in row will remain ACC referee and SASSMASTER Ron Cherry.  

You can give us all the business whenever you like, Ron.

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