Power Rankings: Nike's Latest Pro Combat Uniforms

Nike introduced their latest round of Pro Combat uniforms Tuesday morning, including new Army and Navy uniforms, which will be shipped to future combat pros. Please restrain your natural irony glands, and proceed through a rapid inspection of this very serious football matter.

1. Navy

The rest of the uniform is spotless--especially the anchor logo on the shiny white helmet--but it's the undershirt that makes us think this uniform may be what our sailors need to wear on real live duty on the high seas. You say a helmet isn't practical for submarine duty? We respond with a question of our own: why do you hate America?

2. LSU

LISTEN TO THE TIGER'S EYES THEY ARE TELLING YOU TO PUT THE BALL ON THE GROUND AND WALK AWAY, YOUNG FOOTBALL PLAYER. THE TIGER'S EYES NEVER LIE. As if the officiating corps of college football didn't already find the idea of repping your school with built-in glove designs troublesome enough, Nike had to go ahead and throw in the suggestion of actual hypnosis into the picture, too. ( Not that this is anything new in wrestling.)

3. Army

Army's a hard case, since whatever you do with their unis you pretty much end up with the same arrangement of colors and a gigantic A. The military lettering is an exquisite touch, though everyone being named "West Point" for their last name is going to be confusing on the statsheet.

For example:

4. Ohio State

It's a bit unfair to just show the Buckeyes' Pro Combats without the classic scarlet jersey, but then again it's unfair for Nike to take one of the most venerable uniforms in college sports and turn it into the uniform of a henchman you saw thrown off the side of a semi-truck in Death Race. If Ohio State prepared for games by allowing their dorms to burn down around them while they sat unflinching and fully uniformed in flameproof armchairs, I am certain this is what they would look like afterwards.

5. Stanford

Just Ohio State's Pro Combats, but with a generous slapping of electrical tape across the pants and jersey sleeves.

6. Michigan State

Have you ever had a green pepper that you let sit in your refrigerator too long, and then found one day that it had turned a kind of black in spots, with just hints of the original lustrous green showing through? Was that green pepper a linebacker? If so, you have already seen Michigan State's Pro Combat unis.