This Week In Schadenfreude: Buckeyes Locate Bauserman

An Ohio State fan wants to use his kids' clean records to revenge himself on Like A Baus. We get a mission statement. BC fans issue words never before heard. Kansas fans openly pine for Mangino, use Simpsons references to make their case. Polkamatic, Folkamatic, two tight end jumbo set: break!

This has not been a good first three weeks of the season for perceptions of my objectivity. I'll take it, though, if it comes coupled with Ohio State passing for 35 yards in a nationally televised debacle.

Derp_medium

via www.elevenwarriors.com

It says something about Ohio State fandom that one of the recurring motifs in internet reactions goes like so:

Failkle [ed: I see what you did there.] was miserable. Just absolutely the worst possible coaching effort. No plan, no flow, no anything. Losing games you should win by 30 is inexcusable.

by Jon Ross on Sep 17, 2011 10:31 PM EDT

That's true, but the problem comes when you try to figure out how Ohio State was going to score 30, let alone win by 30, against a Miami defense that had people on it. It's the people getting in the way that makes the scoring hard for Ohio State.

This was not the only OSU fan who looked at 13 passing yards before garbage time and said "we had 'em":

Can't stand losing to a team we shouldn't. This easily falls into that category. We shot ourselves repeatedly & were still in it until the 4th.

Again, "in it" requires a world in which Ohio State would not still be trying to crack double digits if the NCAA had decreed the OSU-Miami game would continue in perpetuity.

But those are the rational-ish, moderated sections of the Ohio State internets. We want id. Presenting 100 percent pure Kelly id:

does anyone know where Bauserman lives?

    I want to visit him.I'm dead serious

"TRU JDUB" proceeds to get beaten down by his fellow message board denizens. None do so as powerfully as the first responder:

And I hope he cleans you're clock if you do, don't blame the athletes, our coaches failed us. But in all honesty if he threw a punch it would probably land ten yards past your head

This does not dissuade JDUB in the slightest:

I just want to punch him in the eye or beak his leg.ill pay his bill honestly he should just quit like fickell maybe together

And:

I got 3 lil boys all who can kick his ass and get nothing since they got clean records. honestly I bet someone on campus is going to kick his ass.if I knew where he lived he would take a ass whipping for laughing during that gm and f--- all u lil bitches who got somethin to say on here supporting him

JDUB is This Guy of The Week, because deploying three clean records just to beat up a guy who's probably going to punch himself in the face sooner or later is terribly inefficient. JDUB PROTIP: Next time you want to threaten physical violence against a large, muscular person, do it right after a TV shot shows him laughing on the sidelines, whereupon you can "reach into the tv and slap the snot out of him," "rip his head off," or "pop him in the mouth" without bringing down the wrath of the board. Ohio State wins the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. They are so yummy and sweet.

Before we leave the delicious tears of Ohio, Macedonia74 offers up a response to something. It doesn't matter what it's in response to. It is a response to you, internet, all of you, and it is indisputable:

Who the hell are some of you?

Amen. If TWIS had a mission statement, this would be it.

The rest of the week in spleen:

ACC

Over the past decade Boston College had established itself as a solidly upper-middle class football program despite existing in college football-ignoring New England, hundreds of miles away from anything that could be construed as a recruiting hotbed. Then they fired Jeff Jagodzinski for daring to interview with the NFL.

Thus sown, now they reap:

Duke was simply the better football team today.

You can file that next to "Nicolas Cage awoken by naked man with Fudgesicle‎" and "Glen Rice Said His Hookup With Sarah Palin Was 'Respectful'" amongst sentences you didn't expect to read this week. Or ever.

This is where the superfans are:

Frank Spaziani is BC’s Greg Robinson and anyone who doesn’t see that is crazy.

by 31southst on Sep 17, 2011 6:32 PM EDT reply

He'll be rubbing his players' faces with a stuffed falcon any day now.

Florida State also experienced a painful loss, but after searching, the vibe I get from that fanbase is sanguine. They did a lot better than last year, they lost E.J. Manuel, it took a ridiculous catch to beat them, they still think they're going to tenderize the ACC … they're fine.

Big East

Dunce-marinatto_medium_medium

Big East teams lost some football games over the weekend, but that was a bit overshadowed by the constant ongoing dissolution of the Lindsey Lohan of college football. Rutgers blog On the Banks follows up the promising headline "The Big East's treachery and lies" with the goods:

With all due respect to Dave Gavitt after his passing, the Big East was a rotten abomination from the start, and its eventual demise cannot come soon enough. …

The seven remaining football programs in the league certainly have no recourse left but to flee at short notice. … Whether it's the Big Ten, ACC, whatever, it's time to get out of this bleeding corpuscle of a conference before it drags Rutgers athletics down to into its all-encompassing, never ending sinkhole of perpetual failure. We can't afford to spend one second more joined with the eight programs with blood on their hands.

Those would be the basketball-only schools that somehow maintained a grip on the commissioner's office (the only time anyone from Providence College has succeeded someone from Providence in anything outside of Rhode Island) despite football being the big boy in college sports.

In the land of actual football, if not actual Big East teams, Pittsburgh roared out to a 24-3 lead on Iowa, then blew it. This causes a reasonable blogger type to apologize in advance before ripping his quarterback a new one:

So I’ll say, respectfully, that Tino Sunseri must be taught a lesson.  It has to be clear, unmistakable and administered with no hesitation.  If you cause your team to lose a football game you should expect to be replaced. …

He remained telegraphing his throws yet again and on both interceptions the defensive backs had ample time to position themselves, order a beer and drink half of it before grabbing the football.  Forget about the infuriating habit of throwing a two yard pass when you need five yards for a first down, to do differently is just too much to ask of him it seems.

"Respectfully" is the "just sayin'" of adverbs. Meanwhile in the comments, Todd Graham's honeymoon is already over:

Who calls a fade on 1st at the 3? Who calls back to back passes on 3rd and 3 and 4th and 3 with the LEAD? Who calls for a hurry-up no-huddle instead of snapping the ball with less than 5 secs left. Who lets Tino throw it up 17 and doesnt ice the game with nations leading rusher? Whose defense gives up 21 points in almost no time? 100% Todd Graham’s fault. Moronic display of coaching, playcalling, clock management. Iowa didnt even NEED to use their timeouts to get back into it. Moronic coaching on our part. Didnt even turn it over in the 4th until we gave up the lead

There are no Wannstedt comparisons… yet.

Big Ten

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via media.247sports.com

the MSU offensive line has died of dysentery

No one is more excited about the previous conference's pending dissolution than the Big Ten, which can finally take its rightful name. The Big East won't be needing it anymore. What I am trying to say is that this league is hot ass. Illinois is clearly its third best team. QED.

So we're going to skip over a couple of pretty horrifying results (Northwestern ruining 600 people ON A BOAT to Army and Penn State murdering offensive football, but escaping, against Temple) to focus on a co-champion from last year who saw expectations land with a thud.

That would be Michigan State, they of the 31-13 loss to Notre Dame thanks to a wonky offensive line and "rousharded" playcalling. That's bad but there are consolations:

At least I pissed off people in my section today

    I was in the end zone facing touchdown jesus, and when ND had the ball deep in that end and it was dead silent, I yelled, "Don't drink and drive tonight, Floyd!!! Call a cab, Floyd!!!" everybody all around just stared and looked like they wanted to hit me. I also told the obnoxious fans in front of me congrats and to enjoy the Car Care Bowl with their top 10 recruiting classes
    Yes, it was low, but I don't give a crap. Not classy, but the fans in front of me were total assholes and frankly, I was pissed off.

Except there aren't actually:

We got out played, out coached, out lucked, out reffed, probably out marching banded too.

I take away no positives from this embarrassment.

Except SeeRockCity Wins The Internet by breaking down the typical message board's schedule:

Dwell on last weeks melt down with dramatic hyperbole until Tuesday, then look forward to next week with a cocky belligerence starting Wednesday.

Also they're totally going to beat OSU in a couple weeks since they get them before any suspensions expire, so they've got that going for them. This does not matter to Scott Tenorman of the Week Btothejizer:

Anybody else still just unbelievably depressed?

    I feel like I just caught my wife cheating on me or my dog died or something. Sucks.

Big Twelve

The only conference loss was Kansas getting ripped for 12 YPC by Georgia Tech, and while no one expects Kansas to be good anymore, neither do fans expect to allow school records against a team that delivered the most lopsided beating in college football history.

It sounds like there's some serious Mangino pining going on:

This is what happens when Ned Flanders is coach

The problem with Turner is that he is more worried about teaching these kids to be good Christians than winning a game. Were we embarrassed again? Yes, but I'm sure the kids said a good prayer before the game and had fun.

If Gill is Flanders, Mangino is … obvious:

Fire Ned, hire Homer.

Homer is fat. Homer cusses. Homer cheats. Homer tortures his children (players). Homer drinks.

Let's rehire Homer.

PAC-12

No one descends into a horde of spittle-flecked ravers like the UCLA Bruins*, and while they've been patient with Rick Neuheisel until now, it's year four and he still can't recruit a quarterback without exploding ACLs. Overheard in the Rose Bowl:

"UCLA Is Now Like The Clippers"

Dorrell? Dorrell:

Before we get to all that let's chew over couple of nuggets offered up by our head coach. Here is Neuheisel's spin on penalties and other miscues:

"When you're playing efficiently and playing well, those things don't show up as often. I'm disappointed in the line of scrimmage penalties. Those are absolutely ridiculous. I'm going to make sure that gets corrected this week. We have to do the little things right. It's a little-thing business. We are going to back to doing some fundamental things. We have to understand the value of those fundamentals."

There is a word for the drivel above: Dorrelian.

I was going to go with "coachspeak," but okay. More Dorrell? More Dorrell:

I was greeted with a sense of dissatisfaction, if not apathy for the direction of the football team that I never saw in the KD[orrell] years. And that was before kickoff.

After years and years of failed coaches and terrible football, the fanbase is descending into Fire Errbody Up In Here mode:

THE THREE MUSKETEERS

Gene Block(head), Dan Gu…whatever, and NO-Heisal. It’s not working guys!

by DaChiBruin on Sep 17, 2011 7:45 PM PDT reply

That's the chancellor and athletic director coming under fire.

Elsewhere in teams that used to employ Rick Neuheisel, Washington suffered a keystone cops kickoff return and gave up a zillion points beside to lose the rubber match against Nebraska. Usually this means Ty Willingham references on UW message boards, but with sophomore Keith Price establishing himself a plus player the vitriol is mostly reserved for the refs and defensive coordinator Nick Holt.

This guy is Just Sayin' about the former:

Head Ref is senile

No idea what he is doing, looks lost out there....probably needs to be put in a home...just sayin

There is also a classic thread wherein a guy with no idea about onside kick rules or kick catch interference tells the refs to get a rulebook.

While I get dumping on refs (always happens) and the defense (always happens when you give up 51), this guy has a special brand of negativity going:

I now everybody is amazed with Keith Price, but I have to say that I'm not impresses. With the addition of ASJ, Hartvigson, Kasen, a cohesive offensive line, three years in the system etc this offense should be blowing teams out of the water. Can't convert a 4th and two?

Polkamotive. Folkamatic. Two Tight End Jumbo Set. This team should score 40 points week in and week out. … The Nebraska loss is every bit as much the offenses fault for not living up to their potential.

Falling two points short against Nebraska will not cut it. UWhuskyskeet responds:

I'd say it's Polk's fault too. Why didn't he run for 400 yards?

*[I mean this in a nice way. Some fanbases are lunatic; some are lunatic with justification.]

SEC

It is not good to send opponents back to 1971 to figure out the last time they could find a victory approximately as glorious as the one you just handed them. It is worse when that opponent is Vandy. Ole Miss, come on down:

So when's the last time Vanderbilt beat an SEC team by 23 or more points?

It was 1971, when Vanderbilt beat Mississippi State 49-19.

That's right, James Franklin just led Vandy to its most decisive SEC victory in 40 years.

As a delicious bonus for that one Arkansas fan who FOIAed everything Houston Nutt had ever done, Houston Nutt's mournful postgame press conference was conducted on the melancholy side of a paper-thin wall separating Nutt and the assembled from 100-plus Vandy Commodores hootin' and hollerin' like all git out. Skip to about 2:30 for maximum enjoyment, Arkansas fan who FOIAed everything Houston Nutt had ever done:

That guy is feeling pretty good about himself today.

So that's over. Houston Nutt is done as a head coach. Who's next?

ABE FROMAN:

Find Fat Kid who loves Xbox

Winner of NCAA Football 2011 Tournament. Probably has yellow stained fingers from cheetos. Put him in the press box with an Xbox. Let him call punt block on 3rd and short. Go for it on 4th down every time. Throw Hail Marys at random times. Lets win some games!

QUEEN HOKA-HOTTY-TODDY:

You really want THIS guy?

FROMAN: Better than what we have now and more motivated And he’s free.

That's desperate, but not as desperate as this:

Tressel?

Heard Jim Tressel was on campus last week. Anyone know if there’s any truth to that?

by rebel30 on Sep 18, 2011 2:23 PM EDT

Even if we leave aside the massive show-cause Tressel's about to get nailed with, can you imagine a school going from Coach Giggity to Tressel?

QB: I don't understand.
TRESSEL: It's simple, you just hand off on the iso every play.
QB: I understand the play. I don't understand why you are talking to me in standard English instead of a high-pitched stream of made-up jibber-jabber.
TRESSEL: Privacy is paramount and I was concerned for the safety of my players so I forwarded the emails to a 70-ish glass magnate in Jeannette, PA. FERPA. FOIA. LOIC. Dave.
QB: Much better.

-----------------

NEXT WEEK! Either myself or Kyle Turley loses his composure. That guy who's so happy about Nutt either gets pummeled by Alabama or we have a bunch of very disappointed Tide fans. Texas A&M starts its "screw you guys, I'm going home" tour against Oklahoma State. The Era of Good Dabo Feelings comes to an abrupt end against Florida State. And Colorado just might send the state of Ohio over a cliff.

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