College Football Power Rankings: Les Miles Tips You With An Old Microwave

STARKVILLE, MS - SEPTEMBER 15: Coach Les Miles of the LSU Tigers talks with quarterback Jarrett Lee #12 of the LSU Tigers during a timeout in a game against Mississippi State on September 15, 2011 at Davis Wade stadium in Starkville, Mississippi. (Photo by Butch Dill/Getty Images)

This week's power rankings compliment LSU, Arizona's superb losing quality, and Hugh Jackman's traps in as straight a way as possible.

Attention: remember that no matter how POWERFUL and OH SO MAD POWERFUL college football power rankings may be for this week, they can like everything else in college football change by the week. Those teams whose outstanding musculature and ability to apply great force to opponent's inferior physiques is strictly for the past week of competition, and not indicative of their mythical value over the course of a season.

This week's power rankings follow, and crackle with the power of a thousand Pokemon stuffed into an electrified gunny sack.

Screamsinternally_medium

1. LSU. The man who brings a knife to a gun fight is the most dangerous person in a fight because he really believes he doesn't need a firearm. That man is Les Miles, and based on the way LSU's defense has played to this point means he can play blackjack football, stand on 17 points or so, and ride out the odds with ease. His endless rotation of toxic waste-fed swamp mutant defensive linemen and defensive backs will do the rest, and he can continue to run an offense that runs 10 plays, with seven of them designed to mitigate Jarrett Lee's tendency to be Jarrett Lee. Thus far, Not-Jarrett Lee has been snappy and everything they don't want him to be--namely, the real, pre-2011Jarrett Lee.  You have that luxury with the line blasting tunnels through defenses for Spencer Ware to trot through, and with the cartoon hammer made of quality linemen Miles can produce from his pocket at all times.

Oh, and Les Miles would like you to paint his winnings up a bit, dealer. He's gonna need to share the love he's getting here.

[/Les Miles tips you with two dollar chips and a burned-out microwave he calls "Stewart" for some reason.]

2. GEORGIA TECH.  Tevin Washington has changed the complexion of the Georgia Tech offense, and has done so with a neat trick: an ability to actually hit receivers. In three games, the Yellow Jackets have passed a paltry 28 times, or what Texas Tech or Houston would typically do in a single half of football, but return on investment is what matters here. On 17 completions, Tevin Washington has hit for TDs on 7 of them, ensuring that teams that want to load up on the option and clobber Tech up front now legitimately have to worry about giving up a score through the air.

Ohhh, but it's not like you have to worry about it they only pass like nine times a game. True, and at this pace against very bad competition they've clocked 49 points up off those passes. Tell a coach you don't care about what could be seven points a game, and you will be slapped with the nearest pair of filthy Bike brand coaching shorts.*

*Kind of want a coach to wear these with some high socks on the sidelines. Paging Will Muschamp.

As a form of assistance, btw, we offer this handy guide to Paul Johnson's passing game.

Pauljohnsonoffense_medium

They will be nowhere near as terrifying once they get into conference play against UNC this week, but for properly applying the steamroller to a cupcake, we salute you, Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, and your Jurassic Park of college offenses. Watch the simple option-pass unfold, and whisper "Clever girl" to yourself as it whistles downfield for no less than 20 yards of pure gain.

3. ALABAMA. Oh you are still very impressive Alabama, even if we suspect your passing offense has regressed to an elaborate form of punting in three easy installments. Because you are so boringly excellent, let's just use this as an excuse to examine why transitive college football victories are among the most insane diversions of football logic:

  • Note that Alabama beat Penn State. Then note that Penn State almost lost to Temple.
  • Conclude that Temple is therefore competitive with Alabama, especially because they only allowed about 50 yards more on offense to Penn State's offense. Ignore how any of this happened, or the circumstances of each game.
  • Now take this frayed thread of non-reason. Wrap it in a two minute phone call to your local sports radio station, and then suggest Temple should replace Ole Miss in the SEC. 
  • RUN LIKE HELL AND GIGGLE.

Alabama plays Arkansas this weekend, and here is what will happen: someone will race out to an early lead off mistakes. Then, if the trailing early team is Alabama, they will counter-punch and win by three points after defeating a late flurry from the Razorbacks' offense. If the trailing early team is Arkansas, they will roar back and come short after a late interception.

4. STANFORD. Thanks to Arizona for being the team everyone uses as the Pac-12's demonstration prairie dog, the prey everyone can use safely to determine exactly what damage your weaponry is really capable of doing. As the conference's crash test dummies, they have already boosted the Q rating of Oklahoma State, Stanford, and in this week's installment will put forth immense effort in losing horrendously to Oregon. Take notes, Ole Miss and Kansas: this is how you properly play the part of conference sparring partner. You show great effort, you take out a few players along the way (sorry Shayne Skov,) and then you proceed to lose with intensity and focus like this year's 2011 Wildcats. This, by the way, is the worst compliment you can every pay a team besides "Well, you certainly punted well."

(Oh, and Stanford is really good, but you already knew that.)

5. WISCONSIN.

Screen_shot_2011-07-28_at_2

Bret Bielema's team and their performance seem directly related to Bielema's ever-reddening skin tone. As he's gone further and further into his career at Wisconsin, Bielema seems to be growing ever more vermillion, a unique feat given Wisconsin's relative lack of sunlight and Bielema's lack of publicly disclosed rosacea. At the current rate of Bielema-redshifting, he will cross the cranberry line somewhere in 2013. 

We now prove scientifically that this reddening may be a good thing. Behold the Bielema Redshifting Hypothesis. This diagram proposes the theoretical progression of the Badgers' success over time as it relates to Bielema's skin tone.

Bielemaspectrum_medium

For maximum effect, I suggest keeping Bielema in a hot sauna with sunlamps installed for no less than three hours a day. Oh, and Wisconsin is good-good, but they still won't play anyone of serious note until October 1st, so don't get too excited about them just yet. Nebraska will be as good a test as any. Until then, put Bret Bielema on the surface of the sun just to make sure you have all your bases covered.

6. Oklahoma State. Justin Blackmon spends his spare time catching babies people in Stillwater drop, babies dropped by adoring citizens just so he can catch them, and then be forced to autograph them. He hasn't dropped one yet, but please stop because it's just hard on the nerves after a while, and his hands are getting dry from applying and reapplying hand sanitizer. In addition to being an otherworldly wide receiver, Blackmon obeys public health protocols regarding handwashing, especially because his quarterback is elderly and he does not want to make him sick. 

BLACKMON RATINGS

1. Larry, of Cameo

Codpiece_1387899c_medium

2. Justin

3. Former NFL player Don

HACKMAN RANKINGS

1. Superman, One and Two

2. The French Connection

3. The Royal Tenenbaums

4. The Quick and The Dead

5. Unforgiven

6. Hoosiers. OH I GET TO PLAY A SAINTLY BASKETBALL COACH. How hard is that, really? Dennis Hopper blows him off the screen anyway.

7. Lowe's commercial voiceovers.

BACHMAN RANKINGS

1. Turner Overdrive

PAC-MAN RANKINGS

1. Ms.

2. Adam Jones

3. Original

4. Fever. Disease is never a laughing matter.

5. Frogs. Neither is a frog that can eat a mouse. (Video for the unsqueamish.)

JACKMAN RANKINGS

1. His traps in Wolverine. Solid, brah.

2. Hitting his head on a zip line for Oprah.

3. The Prestige

4. Being Australian. Just kind of generally awesome, but needs to be mentioned.

5. His alias could be "Jack Human," which is fantastic.

6. Van Helsing. IT JUST SUCKS YOU IN.

7. That shirt:

Allen_2_medium

BACKMAN RANKINGS

1. Wally

Backman_w_medium

CRACKMAN RANKINGS

1. Tyrone Biggums

SCATMAN RANKINGS

1. Bee bop ooo dah doo dop

2. Bop boo dah doo dah

3. Skeeby deeby deeby yon dah dont doh

4. Ba dabba dabbu da dont doh

5. Skapdubiddledeepupdabbledobbleribbleeubbbityribbleubbbityribbleubbbityribbleubbbityribbleubbbityribble

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