This Week In Schadenfreude: Brian Kelly's Brain Explodes

Brian Kelly challenges Bo Pelini to a Yosemite-Sam-off. TCU ladies are going to shucking kill someone, and Miami fans still have football. Football! The enjoyment from horrible things happening to others! It's back!

There is a clear hierarchy of TWIS participants that goes

  1. message board troglodytes
  2. random blogs
  3. established blogs
  4. newspaper writers
  5. coaches

Rarely do coaches other than Lane Kiffin manage anything that shows up in this column. Kiffin is king of the secondary violation everywhere, so his offenses are mild.

Only once in the history of this series has a coach actually managed to win Scott Tenorman of the Week, which is awarded to the person who college football caused to lose their shit more spectacularly than anyone else in any particular week. That honor went to Bo Pelini after he turned purple trying to kill Taylor Martinez and the referees with pure hatred during a 9-6 loss to Texas A&M last year. Before that there was no #5.

With one frame, Notre Dame's Brian Kelly matches that feat:


As you swirl this frame around in your mouth make sure to let it open up. Note the expression on the two hapless assistants behind the man having a stroke. Linger on the particularly deranged position of Kelly's tongue. Observe the red unnaturally deepening into purple around the periphery of Kelly's enraged rictus. Now send the deaf children out of the room.


If the deaf children are still out of the room there's a fuller look on the youtubes. Here, too, make sure to check out the guy on the far left doing his best Stunned Okie impression.

ND Nation was so stunned by this they compared Kelly to Violet Beauregarde and declared a moratorium on "Michigan sucks" posts during gameweek. Notre Dame—but especially Brian Kelly—you also win the Tears Of Infinite Sadness. Said tears are so yummy and sweet.

2011's first week in spleen:


Al Golden walked into Nevin Shapiro's nightmare and now faces crippling sanctions he was not involved in or told about before taking the job. On Monday night he took on Maryland without his starting quarterback, leading receiver, best DT, and best linebacker. Unsurprisingly, he lost.

Miami fans are taking this in stride. They know if Golden goes they're going to end up with Hal Mumme on the sideline. They are serene:

fire golden!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Temple coach lmfao

This gentlemen is instructed to "drink bleach" and "take a gun and kill ya self with it!!!!!," but the condemnation is far from universal. Examples:

1) Reduction in turnovers. NOPE!
2) Reduction in penalties. NOPE!
3) Reduction in missed tackles. NOPE!
4) Reduction in the number of times the opposing tight end roams free with nobody within 15 yards of him, as if he has ebola. NOPE!

This is a quote from the Lounge, IN. Shannon might as well had been on the sidelines.

Reduction in players had nothing to do with this loss.  That is a weak cop out.

way in over his head
should have hired leach

And this guy wins This Guy Of The Week for making Miami football into a Lovecraft/Nietzsche mashup:

JJ came along when the 'Canes were decidedly on the upswing. Now we're desparately and frantically trying to stop the uncontrollable hemorrhaging before falling permanently into humiliating abyss of irrelevance.

Finally, there's this guy Winning The Internet:

No way this guy can be a miami fan. no way we have fans that stupid. but on second thought he prob is a miami fan

Forget the TV money: Miami can't get the death penalty because of what it would do to TWIS. Can you imagine Miami fans enduring five years of massive scholarship restrictions? Gold. We must have this gold. We will fix the global economy with it*.

*[ha ha not possible BUY GUNS AND WATER]

Big 12

Not a single Big 12 team played a BCS opponent this weekend; all won. (Baylor did not exactly pick on the Sisters of the Poor and is exempted from this withering scorn.) Iowa State and Kansas State barely escaped I-AA upsets, though they're less concerned with their team sucking right this instant than doing so in the Mountain West next year.

The KSU perspective comes with the year's first instance of That One Emoticon To Rule Them All:

Seriously, I feel like I am the only one who understands that a meteor is headed directly for earth but no one around me cares.  Fellas, we are on the mother f---ing cusp of mid-majorship.  IT'S F---ING HEADED DIRECTLY FOR US! Not Joking, here.   There is really bad crap on the horizon.

Do you understand the implication of becoming a mid major school?  Do you?  Ever talked to someone from Colorado State?  Ever ask them about football?  They are f---ing clueless, and they aren't even gorgeous mountain hippies like CU people are. 
Move over Wichita State, there's a new player in town.   Flush
Run away Run away Run away

That was way back in April. How does KSU feel now?

We are so f---ed.  suicide


For their part, the Cyclones are imagining a "Left Behind" conference with a school that would be so pissed off you guys if everyone else got raptured up into the BCS:

Because ISU and Baylor are working behind the scenes to form their own conference!!!

The left behind conference!
2 members, the rest OOC games and they play their championship game at the end :P

I do not know why the Iowa State message board's generic positive emoticon is a one-toothed pirate  but I approve.

While we're talking about ISU—something that won't happen the rest of the season—we might as well throw this in, which is the avatar of a guy with over 4,000 posts on Cyclone Fanatic:



Enjoy that football, because in two years you'll fail to kick a vaguely football-shaped rock.

Big… East?

TCU's not in the Big East quite yet, but no one actually in the conference lost and their fans have more expectations than anyone currently in that conference anyway. Judging by this guy they're in for some culture shock when they visit Rutgers...


The Oh S(word)T coverage on display

TCU uses the oh Shucks coverage all night in their stunning loss to Baylor. You stand there while the fast guy runs by you then you chase them as he catches the ball for the touchdown. Keep everything in front of you don't give up the deep ball this was awful was that a TCU Defense seriously? Ugly U G L Y that was our battle cry. Season over no BCS chance terrible schedule everyone knows how to beat us now. Going to be a long season.

...but this lady is ready to head to Jersey. She was born ready:


She is going to shucking kill someone.

TCU also features in the Exchange of the Week:

Jake102: TCU ranked #115 in total defense. Bleh.
froginaustin: What do you expect when 50 is hung on us?
Jake102: The apocalypse.

Baylor's down with that.

Big Ten

Indiana was your only loser, dropping their game against Ball State 27-20. This rankles because Indiana lost to Ball State the last time the two played, thus serious endangering the Hoosiers' status as the third best program in Indiana. But they just got a new head coach who's recruited a five-star quarterback for next year so surely this go-around is just a test drive, right? I mean, the guy who's been there for six month's can't be respons

Two years ago after Ball State beat IU, the excuse from IU was that Ball State's offensive line was very good and dominated IU at the line of scrimmage. Now, once again after Ball State beats IU we hear the very same excuse; that their offensive line just was too good and dominated us.

I can forgive IU for the first excuse; but having two years to develop a defensive line that would be comparable or better than a MAC team's offensive line and failing to do so is just unforgivable. To expect continued loyalty to the program when it is operated in this manner is unacceptable. IU must do better!

How long before coaches other than George O'Leary start getting fired before they're hired? I want to know this. Six years? Eight?

Elsewhere in people not paying any attention to Indiana football over the past decade but still being compelled to post about it:

I expected way more out of both lines

and I was shockingly disappointed. Watching our older OL get ejected into the offensive backfield was an eye opener. Watching the DL get mauled in the second half was even more of an eye opener.

He is not alone: others in that thread say it was "incredibly disconcerting" to see Indiana do what Indiana usually does, found it "shocking" that Indiana had its usual collection of MAC-style linemen.

I do understand this particular frustration:

couple of drunk BSU fans

set behind me last night and I had to them talk smack to their IU friends all night and had to listen to their vulgar language all night.

You think you've got it bad? Imagine sitting in Michigan Stadium in 2014 and not being able to say anything save "thank you sir" when Appalachian State fans say anything at all.

/shakes fist at universe


Oregon's nationally-televised, turnover-filled pratfall reminds their fans of another massively touted disappointment featuring ludicrous costumes and dialogue:

In other news

Star Wars Episode III is on. It might lift my spirits to watch a much, MUCH bigger fail than tonight’s loss. Okay, maybe not…

by lovemyducks81 on Sep 3, 2011 8:53 PM PDT reply   2 recs

Meanwhile in LA, UCLA lost to Houston and USC would have lost if they were playing Houston instead of Minnesota. Neither fanbase is thrilled by this turn of events. USC's part:

UCLA would have beat us by 14…

By: Conquest2000

Touchdowns.  Talk about programs going in different directions??  AND UCLA IS GOING TO F---ING LOSE!?!?!?!

A poster on USC's 24/7 site says it's time to "make Pete Carroll an offer he can't refuse," which only goes to show that USC fans don't even pay attention to their own team.

For its part, UCLA fans are handing their defense a Grade That Doesn't Exist after giving up 42 to a CUSA team:

Defense gets an F-

There’s no excuse for having a new handpicked DC, months to prepare, and still somehow looking worse than last year by adding atrocious fundamentals to a poor scheme.

by Maverick_Bruin on Sep 3, 2011 4:26 PM PDT reply   1 recs

There are also spectacular misspellings:


When your center has to false starts called on him you know your in trouble. Where were the linebackers at, they looked so confused!!!

by Trojanswearskirts on Sep 3, 2011 4:32 PM PDT via mobile reply

I bet that guy thinks his username is "Trojan Swears Kirts."



via Sad Fans. This woman was yelling "come on Georgia" with 30 seconds left in a two-touchdown game.

Georgia is in full on crisis mode after their opener demonstrated the relative trajectories of their program in relation to Boise State's since the Broncos got clubbed 48-13 back in 2005. The Georgia Sports Blog digs out FAIL memery in response and gives HTML nerds something to appreciate in the rest of the post:

Hey, we were balanced.

The comments, which I'd like to emphasize are from the downright reasonable wing of Georgia fandom, claim that "What we're seeing, gentlemen, is the long, slow process of Mark Richt driving our program straight into the ground."

More from the immaculately pseudonymed Tyler Dawgden:

When the only thing about the night that seemed to go right is not getting pushed onto the tracks waiting on the Marta train, it isn't a good night.  Obviously, I'll have more later, but I got to Athens at 2:30am, so the only thing I have right now is the recurring thought that this must be what it felt like being in the Johnson administration during Vietnam.  We are a power without the will or leadership to do what it takes to be a superior power

I wonder what the nutty UGA message boards are—you know what? If tGSB is referencing the Johnson administration in Vietnam I'm not even dipping a toe into Georgia message boards. There are things you can't unsee.

Kentucky won, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy Morgan Newton derping his way into internet history (click to animate):


Serves him right for his role in the Triangle Shirtwaist fire. Don't let Kentucky's official bio fool you. Anyone named "Morgan Newton" is a Gilded Age plutocrat. WKU's Andrew Jackson (not that Andrew Jackson) was not impressed.

NEXT WEEK! Brian Kelly might fracture his skull with the power of rage, but more likely he'll be doing it to me. Penn State meets the Alabama wood-chipper, Auburn completes its return to earth against Mississippi State, and the South Carolina-Georgia loser starts the coach grumbling in earnest.

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