College Football Rootability Index: All The Bowls Happen At Once

Today's Rootability index helps the uninvested fan decide who to pull for in a contest where they have no clear interest. Today's games include ALL OF THE BOWL GAMES. Start sprinting, and try to keep up.

TicketCity Bowl: Penn State vs. Houston. Ignore the extracurriculars in this game and focus on the really important things. Penn State's offense really might have done better this year punting on third down, while Houston's defense doubles as a rehab program for young athletes recovering from vertigo.

If competing incompetencies don't fascinate you, you may not really be a college football fan, but the side war of competing wild cats in the mascot category might double as the Houston Cougar and the Penn State Nittany Lion...wait, where is he...he was just right here...I...

OH MY GOD RUN HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU JOHNNY--

Lean: Houston.

Outback Bowl: Michigan State vs. Georgia. For the uninvested fan, consider this a matchup of two teams living on two very different sides of town. Georgia's had the quietly successful kind of season you really want to have after two early dramatic losses to Boise State and South Carolina, while all Michigan State does is win or lose games by pressing the very envelope of what its fans can tolerate on an emotional level without killing them. (The games against Wisconsin alone took years off the lives of Spartan fans, and local insurance tables have been adjusted to reflect this change.)

If you ride the lightning, Michigan State is obviously your pick. (Is it acceptable to drink heavily at noon watching this game? Are we in America? Are you watching Michigan State football? Then it is not only acceptable, but also recommended.)

If you like fine male fashion, however, another team beckons. Aaron Murray, the runway is yours.

Georgia would also be the favorite choice for those left whose knees bend backwards.

Lean: Georgia. We're suckers for confidence.

Capital One: South Carolina vs. Nebraska. Taylor Martinez is obviously the choice for you retro-nauts with his unreformed 1937 throwing motion, but remember: neither team seems to embrace the modern concept of offense, so Single Wing fanatics will be happy with either team's brutal, spotty attacks. (Steve Spurrier is now dead inside, and his offense voluntarily running the quarterback is proof.)

Have you ripped the door off a refrigerator when "the icemaker wasn't respecting me like it needs to?" Rageaholics, your choice is clear, since even without fellow howler Carl Pelini on the sidelines with him Bo Pelini emits enough anger to be considered his own Middle Eastern country. Meanwhile, those of you who liked Avatar a little too much and want to make Na'vi friends? South Carolina has two giant Na'vi on their team in Jadeveon Clowney and Melvin Ingram. They are gentle people of the forest, and only seek to harm those who threaten their way of life.

Lean: South Carolina.

Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl: Ohio State vs. Florida. If your name is Urban Meyer, you are excused from choosing sides in this game. If not, you have to decide between one underachieving national power with a mercurial quarterback and solid defense and another underachieving national power with a mercurial quarterback and a solid defense. If that solves no problems for you, then decide whether you want to side with a grumpy, demanding fanbase with bro-tastic tendencies, or the other fanbase, a grumpy, demanding group with bro-tastic tendencies.

Actually, scratch all that, and just answer this question: does the word "Tebow" fill you with rage? If so, your choice is both clear and deeply personal.

Lean: Watching Something Else. This game will be horrible Don't watch it.

Rose Bowl: Wisconsin versus Oregon. An easier split between uninvested fans can be found here. Is this country going to hell in a handbasket, with the offenses that don't use the I-formation, the twitters, and the occupiers? Do you long for the return of Sansabelt pants as a man's castle, and the barbecue as his sacred fire? Does the name "Ron Swanson" serve as a beacon of hope in a sea of skinny jeans? Then you must root for hard-running, power-I loving Wisconsin.

Everyone else, you get RoboDuck helmets, microbrews, the high-tempo spread offense, and comfortable $120 sandals in siding with Oregon.

Lean: Oregon. I am a traitor to my own inner Ron Swanson.

Fiesta Bowl: Stanford versus Oklahoma State. This was going to be complex, since both teams bring so much to the table: Brandon Weeden and OK State's all-out assault on offense, Stanford's hell-for-leather o-line blocking mercilessly for the Cardinal's power run game, Andrew Luck attempting to put a capstone on his fine cathedral of a career, OK State attempting to drive home their argument for inclusion in the national title picture.

But then, this happened.

LEAN: Oklahoma State. You left us no choice, "rich Stanford Grad."