Five-star receiver Stefon Diggs will choose between the hometown Maryland Terrapins and various other suitors at a Friday night event. It'll be held on Terp turf, at a sports bar Maryland coach Randy Edsall uses for his radio show. If Diggs does announce he's heading to Ohio State or Florida, we'd have a contender in 2012's trollin'est announcement sweepstakes.
But wait, there's more ...
Just traded texts with Stefon Diggs. Says signing event will run 6-9 at Looney's. With actual announcement coming towards end.— Sebastian Salazar (@SebiSalazar) February 10, 2012
What could an 18-year-old possibly do to keep a crowd entertained for three hours? Our best guess:
5:50: Ball caps arranged on table at Looney's. Some balloons hung up.
5:55: Mike Locksley and Trooper Taylor circle each other like lions in cages.
6: This time, after mooning the entire assembly, Ralph Friedgen doesn't even need to be asked to leave.
6:05: Looney's announces free steamed shrimp if Stefon Diggs chooses Auburn.
6:10: Stefon Diggs' high school coach speaks about Stefon Diggs.
6:20: Stefon Diggs' pastor speaks about Stefon Diggs.
6:30: Mike Locksley attempts to hire Trooper Taylor.
6:35: Raffle. (Stefon Diggs wins.)
6:40: Maryland player transfers.
6:50: Stefon Diggs' principal speaks about Stefon Diggs.
6:55: Trooper Taylor and Mike Locksley take it outside. The fist proves mightier than the towel.
7: Award-winning actor Dermot Mulroney speaks about Stefon Diggs.
7:15: Stefon Diggs walks the runway wearing nothing but the state flags of Maryland, Ohio, Florida, and Alabama. This event, like all other events in College Park, is sponsored by Under Armour.
7:20: Debbie Yow berates Gary Williams, a D.C.-area dentist whose name is Gary Williams.
7:25: Stefon Diggs speaks about Stefon Diggs.
8:35: Maryland player transfers.
8:40: Maryland player transfers.
8:45: Ralph Friedgen emerges on stage in Stefon Diggs costume, announces he's signing with Duke.
8:55: Stefon Diggs hype video plays.
8:56: Instead of Stefon Diggs highlights, it's this for some reason:
9:10: [The Wire reference]
9:15: Trooper Taylor and Mike Locksley find common ground: Looney's' crab nachos.
9:20: Wale performs.
9:25: Everybody notices Wale is rapping entirely about Urban Meyer.
10:15: Randy Edsall falls out of Golden Tee machine. "I'm not here! I'm not Randy Edsall, Maryland coach!" he says, fleeing the scene.
10:30: Maryland player transfers.
10:35: Stefon Diggs chooses Ohio State.
10:36: In full Buckeyes band regalia, Ralph Friedgen returns to dot the i.
10:37: Mike Locksley has punched Trooper Taylor again.