College Football Playoffs: 24 Proposals Worse Than The Rose Bowl Plan

ORLANDO, FL - DECEMBER 29: The mascot of the Notre Dame Fight Irish does pushups after a touchdown against the Florida State Seminoles in the Champs Sports Bowl December 29, 2011 at the Florida Citrus Bowl in Orlando, Florida. FSU won 18 - 14. (Photo by Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images)

Nothing could be dumber than the playoff plan that would make the Rose Bowl an unofficial semifinal game, you say? Oh, don't tempt college football, friend.

The Big Ten's* proposal for college football's upcoming playoff system is pretty terrible. At the time, it seemed like the only possible way the world's most confusing postseason could get even more confusing, but that's not quite true. Since we'll undoubtedly be stuck with something as stupid as the Rose Bowl plan, let's take heart in knowing there are quite a few worse ideas out there.

* Hey, let's stop being so quick to judge. Maybe it was Conference USA's plan. Maybe Conference USA just really likes the Rose Bowl. Everybody likes the Rose Bowl.

The Intermission Plan

The playoffs begin before the regular season, using the previous season's rankings*. Then, once the regular season has ended and every game has mattered, the second round begins.

Controversial wrinkle: one team that didn't make the first round will be eligible to replace one team that did, provided Jim Delany doesn't like the team that's hogging all the tourney space.

* We would use preseason rankings, but teams haven't even taken the field yet.

The Innervisions Plan

Pretty much all instruments were played by Stevie Wonder. And every song's a good song!

The Every-Bowl-A-Rose-Bowl Plan

Every bowl is sacred. The Rose Bowl is the biggest and most beautiful, but communities around the world depend on every other bowl game forming a perfect bowl ecosystem. Removing even one bowl would damage the entire sporting environment.

Thus, every bowl should be included in the semifinals round. The winner of each bowl will be eligible for the title game, so long as the winner of each bowl is also the winner of the Rose Bowl.

The national champion is Indiana.

The Notre Dame Plan

The national champion is chosen by Notre Dame.

The Noted Dan Plan

The national champion is chosen by noted Packers quarterback Don Majkowski. (It's called the Noted Dan Plan.)

The Steely Dan Plan

All instruments were played by Steely Dan.

The Stan Van Plan

The national champion is chosen by Dwight Howard.

The Scandal Plan

Similar to the Rose Bowl plan, but all mid-scandal teams will be quarantined in the Evil Rose Bowl in Anti-Pasadena.

The Probation Plan

Similar to the Rose Bowl plan, but with (1) a three-team playoff bracket consisting only of teams that are on bowl bans and (2) all other teams playing in their regularly scheduled bowls.

If more than three teams are banned from bowls, the national champion is Louisville.

The Prohibition-Proof Plan

The national champion is West Virginia.

The Purdue-Proof Plan

Rules are rules.

The Punt-Prone Plan, Brought To You By Allstate

Semifinalists are determined by total regular season punting yardage.

When life makes you punt, punt Allstate.

The Prank Pete Plan

We'll sneak into Pete Carroll's house and switch out all his Seahawks gear for USC stuff. He'll be so scared!

The Prank Delany Plan, A.K.A. The Sun Plan

INDIANAPOLIS -- A coalition of college conference presidents announced Monday that they've agreed to a college football postseason plan. Television partners have all been totally lined up, and there's nothing anybody can do to derail this now [snickering].

Under the new arrangement [giggle], the top four teams at the end of the regular season will play in a two-round tournament. Also eligible for title game entry will be the [tittering!] two teams that appear in the Sun Bowl.


The Stern Plan

The nation's top recruits all suddenly find themselves committed to Rutgers, Northwestern or UCLA.

The Selig Plan

To determine homefield advantage, you gotta take good players from everywhere to play this whole other game, and you throw it together, sometimes you end it for like no reason in overtime, but then you apply that to a field of eight or maybe 16 teams, I'm not really sure, but just mess with it, and we're moving Middle Tennessee to Texas.

The Bettman Plan, Brought To You By Goody's Headache Powder

Every school that wishes to be included in the BCS must first spend a trial season in Atlanta.

When you have a headache, headache Goody's Headache Powder.

The Goodell Plan

/scapegoats something, plus something else

The Plus-? Plan

Rounds will continue being added until a champion is determined.

That's as far as we got on that one. Oh, oh, also, there's this guy who comes around and kills you sometimes, but we haven't figured out why yet. And this girl with big boobs.

The Divide-By-One Plan

No change.

The Minus-One-At-A-Time Plan

At the end of the year, final scores across the country will be stricken from the record books, week-by-week, turning back the clock until we reach a point at which a Big Ten team ranks No. 1. This can continue as long as it has to.

The national champion is 2007 Ohio State, a team that could really get out there and execute.

The Execution Plan, Model I

Players get to sit around and tell coaches to get out there and execute, since you guys think it's so darn easy.

The Execution Plan, Model II

The Exhibitions Plan

Instead of a traditional bracket, all teams with winning-ish records will pair up for exhibitions in locales far from their fan bases. Games will be financed by local tourism and industry, with some proceeds going back to universities, but most proceeds just being straight up proceeds, son.

Elsewhere, one extra special game will feature the country's top two teams as selected by hamstrung robots and the coaches of rival programs. It will be played one night after the GoDaddy Bowl.

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