New Coaches In The SEC: A Handy and Unscientific Guide

FAYETTEVILLE, AR - APRIL 24: New Head Coach John L. Smith of the Arkansas Razorbacks speaks to the media at the press conference to announce him as new Head Coach in the Raymond Miller Room on April 24, 2012 in Fayetteville, Arkansas. (Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images)

You should get to know the handsome cast of new SEC coaching talent, all of whom will eventually coach at Tennessee for like 15 minutes.

Alabama. A new offensive coordinator -- University of Washington's Doug Nussmaier -- in town means no changes, really. Alabama will still run the daylights out of the foootball and take judicious, statistically advisable shots downfield in the passing game.

And just like every other year with Nick Saban, this team will lose three close games because they will be merely excellent, regroup during bowl practices, and unleash hell on the poor flinching team it embarrasses in a bowl game. Saban's process is even consistent about its retooling years, since they always happen the same way, and turn every coach into a tiny Sabanbot doing his bidding. (Alabama football under Nick Saban: it's like the movie Slither, but harder to watch and with more disturbing scenes of graphic violence.)

P.S. Defensive coordinator Kirby Smart is never leaving Alabama, most likely because Nick Saban has the only store of the antidote, and gives it to Smart daily to keep him from dying from the Saban Cocktail. Paul, it's just what a loving boss does to say how much he needs you.

Arkansas. The most important new coaching thing: John L. Smith. I would like to make bold predictions of the irrational/fun variety, like "This guy's crazy, and fun! He could beat Alabama, and then lose to Ole Miss! Yowza!" That would be fun, but I watched John L. leave Jehuu Caulcrick -- who had 111 yards on eight carries and was causing ND defenders to spontaneously soil themselves on contact -- on the bench in favor of trying to run out the clock against Notre Dame. This was one of exactly 78 mistakes that made Charlie Weis look like a competent football coach in the second half of that game.

It broke my brain just watching it, and I'm not even a Michigan State fan. (What happened to them was far worse.) I understand sample size isn't everything, but if we're headed out to sea and Captain Smith walks aboard, the instinct to leap overboard and risk keelhauling will still be strong. I remember the time you tried to open the hatch underwater to "let some air in," Johnelle. A sailor never forgets.

Auburn. The new things for Auburn are really, really good news. Your defense is no longer on fire, since Fire Chief Ted Roof will take his unique brand of defense ("Let the offense have the ball, they're better at holding onto it anyway." ) to Penn State. If you are a Penn State fan reading this: everything will be fine as long as you have a Cam Newton. You have one of those just hanging around, yes? Look into that.

Brian Van Gorder, former UGA coordinator and professional porn star stand-in, brings some sense of order to Auburn's defense. He's quite good, and more importantly is not named "Ted Roof." The staff turnover continues with the arrival of Scott Loeffler, former Temple OC and Florida assistant tasked with remaking the Malzahnbone into something like a pro-style offense. He was run-heavy and competent at Temple, and will most likely get the same evaluation trying to run an entirely different plan of attack with the spare parts Auburn has on hand.

Florida. Brent Pease comes in from Boise to stitch together the corpse of the Florida offense, run a couple of million volts through it, and then see how far it walks on its own before the inevitable punt or field goal. Pease brings with him the Boise Glow, the lingering shine from simply being near the Pope of the Sawtooths, Chris Petersen, but so did Dirk Koetter and Dan Hawkins, and look where that got anyone. (It indirectly got you Todd Graham, Arizona State. We're so very sorry about that.) Pease is intense, dedicated to the run, and disliked by Jared Lorenzen*.

*May be giant talking P90x box.

Georgia. Much to the chagrin of Georgia fans praying for the deBobofication of the Georgia offense, the oft-maligned Richt disciple Mike Bobo remains in place. So does the emotive Todd Grantham, the defensive coordinator who Georgia fans like very much at the moment, and who James Franklin probably still wants to beat to a bloody pulp.

Kentucky. No big changes. My, offensive coordinator Randy Sanders appears to have a dreadful phobia of cameras. Randy, if coaching through the downfall of the Phil Fulmer era at Tennessee won't steal your soul, no camera ever well.

LSU. No changes besides getting rid of the insane robot offensive coordinator they tried out in the national title game. You might not ever let a Tandy 1000 talk you into something like that, but Les Miles believes in the future.

Mississippi State. No changes and [sentence obliterated by sound of cowbells].

Mizzou. No changes, but please let us point out to those unfamiliar with Mizzou's excellent offensive coordinator David Yost and his hair: it is amazing, it has not changed in a decade, and it can be photoshopped thusly.

Ole Miss. All new and with plenty of familiar faces. The primary influence on the defensive side of the ball will be Freeze's defensive coordinator from Arkansas State, last seen working under Paul Johnson at Georgia Tech and Houston Nutt at Arkansas. On the offensive side of the ball there's former Miami OC Dan Werner, whose personal story of family tragedy leaves us incapable of mentioning how hard this year will be for Ole Miss. Best of luck all around, and I'm going to cry over here for a moment and hug someone.

South Carolina. No real changes to the offensive staff (where Steve Spurrier is still in charge, even if he changes his mind every other game about playcalling,) but the battlefield promotion of assistant Lorenzo Ward to defensive coordinator did happen prior to the Capital One Bowl. Ward won't likely change much about the basics of the South Carolina defense, but if we could point Jadeveon Clowney at someone and yell "kill 'em," we wouldn't change much, either.

Tennessee. Out: Young defensive coordinator Justin Wilcox, off to ensure Washington doesn't involve itself in any record-breaking bowl games any time soon. Replacing him is Sal Sunseri from Alabama, whose 3-4 Sabanization process might not be afforded the customary two years to get cranking. As for the position coaching ranks, everyone is gone. This is the simplest way to express this.

Texas A&M. An entirely new crew under incoming Kevin Sumlin, and with some very intriguing names. In a conference dominated by brutal defenses, the Aggies will trot out Air Raid University grad Kliff Kingsbury as their offensive coordinator just so a million talk radio callers can bellow about how this won't work in the SEC. (Even though the Air Raid's first big break came at Kentucky, and Hal Mumme did just fine with it there). Defensive coordinator Mark Snyder, late of Marshall, USF, and Ohio State, will play the part of beleaguered (but very talented) DC.

Vanderbilt. No major changes. OL coach Herb Hand is still there, takin' dodgeballs in the face in the name of team unity.

While we’re here, let’s watch some of the many fine college football videos from SB Nation’s Youtube channel:

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