The Worst 'NCAA Football 13' Simulated Season Ever


It's time for the annual easiest, most phone-it-in article of the year: the one where we simulate a season of NCAA Football and just write down exactly what happens. Unfortunately, things got weird.

NCAA Football 13 is out, which means a person like me gets to simulate a season, transcribe the results from my screen to your computer, and call it a really, really easy day of work. There could not possibly be anything that would ever require less sweat investment than doing this. So here we go.

First things first, Isaiah Crowell is beating out Knile Davis and casual dress James Franklin for the Heisman. I had nothing to do with that happening, but I'm glad that it did.

Unfortunately, that's about as realistic as it got.

Utah downed Alabama for the national title, and while new Utes offensive coordinator Brian Johnson has experience at beating the Tide in big bowls and I dropped A.J. McCarron's awareness to 0 just before kickoff, I don't get how Utah would even get to this game in the first place. I just do not get it, and I'm going to sell this game because of how dumb this is. I deleted the best player from every other Pac-12 team before the season began, which might sound odd if you don't know anything about football.

As for the other BCS games? I wish I had an answer for unlikely nonsense like Colorado State going 11-2 and beating Boise State for the Mountain West title. Where does that kind of thing even come from? I mean, I know we're excited about Jim McElwain Sabanizing Fort Collins and I gave every Rams player a 99 in speed, but this is Colorado State we're talking about. Do a little research, EA Sports.

At least in the video game, we can make slight -- slight -- edits to correct injustices, like teams being left out of BCS bowls due to their conference ties. What good is the Big East for Boise State if the Big East doesn't even have an automatic bid anymore because I gave it to the Sun Belt? Way to hammer the little guy for profits, Tiburon.

I mean, it's the same stupid crap every year. All we're paying for is a roster upgrade. At least the rosters are accurate, so long as you're not a Notre Dame fan who wants Manti Te'o and Tommy Rees to not trade positions on my XBox. (Every single thing about that is completely implausible -- Te'o completed all three of his passes before being benched.)

Spencer Hall and Dan Rubenstein: Mascot Mode Mayhem!

But there's this new Heisman mode that's pretty cool. I had fun narrowing down the list of teams to put my all-time great on. Went with Miami, which stormed to an ACC title on the legs of Les Horvath -- unfortunately, putting him on the team was where the fun ended. Heisman winners are just so powerful that they completely break the game, at least judging by the dominance of Horvath, who has a 99 in every ratings category and was not made by EA Sports but by me.

Still, conference standings might be of interest to some. Wisconsin wins the Big Ten again, Kansas State loses the ACC Championship, TCU struggles in its first Big East year, and Texas wins a tightly contested Big 12 battle against Missouri, Nebraska, Texas A&M, and no other Big 12 teams, because that's the entire Big 12. This all seems fine, except for La Tech going independent, which cocked everything up. Also, there's no South Alabama, so Notre Dame had to join the Sun Belt. Also, I made a new South Alabama and gave it Ohio State's players.

It was fun seeing how the new teams did -- for the most part, anyway. UTSA rode its easy schedule to an impressive 5-7 mark, South Alabama busted out a ridiculous and immersion-breaking 9-4 record in the Big Ten, and UMass slumped in at 0-11 in the MAC. Then there's Texas State, whose quarterback finished No. 4 in passing yards like it was nothing, despite never having played FBS ball before. Hey, if this guy's gonna be in the game, you might want to try him out, unfair fantasy or not. He's an unlockable character named God Almighty who can be unlocked by making a 6'11 quarterback with 4.3 speed named God Almighty.

How about some of the other big statistical leaders? SMU's Conner Preston steered the run 'n' shoot to a mighty 4,563 yards, topping Texas Tech's Seth Doege and Georgia Tech's Tevin Washington. Like you, I was disappointed to see Paul Johnson's offense generating so many passing yards. It just isn't realistic, and it's a shame this kind of crap shows up in a game I paid good money for. Also, Washington State passed for only 1,239 yards as a team because I switched their playbook with Georgia Tech's.

Surprised to learn Ole Miss' Jeff Scott finished second in the nation in rushing, with his 1,724 yards coming in just ahead of Montee Ball and Marcus Lattimore? I was too. Just frustrating to see. If EA Sports had simply watched two minutes worth of Hugh Freeze's offense, they'd know his teams are going to throw the ball around a lot. There's just no excuse for leaving Houston Nutt's game plan in even though Houston Nutt is gone, which is what I did by creating a new playbook that was nothing but I-formation runs off tackle to the right.

Still, it's always going to be fun to see the effects of new coaches on new teams. Arizona State's would be a lot of fun to run, but I have to imagine you'll just be banging your head against a wall if you try and operate it with this roster, which has no offensive lineman rated above a 50 after I changed them. Florida's offense gets a big schematic upgrade in real life, but somebody at Electronic Arts forgot to tell the virtual players, who all have 20 ratings in Route Running after having been edited.

Whatever, just go buy it anyway.

While we’re here, let’s watch some of the many fine college football videos from SB Nation’s Youtube channel:

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