Aug. 30, 2012
South Carolina Gamecocks at Vanderbilt Commodores. Steve Spurrier is the Wilson of the SEC's "Home Improvement." He's old, he wears a funny hat, and he dispenses sage advice while standing behind the fence separating South Carolina from the rest of the world. He also steals your flatscreen while you are not looking. Old people are evil, James Franklin -- especially Steve Spurrier. Wilson stole thousands of things from Tim, including Jill on selected afternoons when Tim wasn't around.
Texas A&M Aggies vs. Louisiana Tech Bulldogs (Shreveport, La). Now postponed until Oct. 13 because Mother Nature did not want to watch two Air Raid teams try to throw in a blustering gale. Nature has ZERO SENSE OF HUMOR.
Tennessee Volunteers vs. N.C. State Wolfpack (Atlanta). Derek Dooley is the man who has the winning shot lined up, clicks the cue against the cue ball and then scratches to lose the game. It seems unfair, but Tom O'Brien says there have to be rules, man. (T.O.B. has no fewer than five balls on the table, and has scratched the felt three times.)
Alabama Crimson Tide vs. Michigan Wolverines (Arlington, Texas). A.J. McCarron liked this script better when it was called "Alien vs. Predator, Except The Predator Is Played By An Elderly Matthew Broderick Wearing A Varsity Sweater." It's a very short and unimaginably violent film.
Jacksonville St. Gamecocks at Arkansas Razorbacks. John L. Smith will turn his hearing aid off with a 30-point lead in the early third quarter. The thing in his ear is not a hearing aid, but don't tell him what to call a Zune playing an endless loop of Slim Whitman, greenhorn.
Bowling Green Falcons at Florida Gators. Bowling Green as a school almost landed in Van Wert, Ohio, a town known for cheese and getting hit by an F4 tornado. YOU COULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING, VAN WERT. Will Muschamp will try to avenge your loss. No, he'll try. That's all he can promise at this point, really. :(
Buffalo Bulls at Georgia Bulldogs. Buffalo has a player named "Dwellie Striggles," and the United States Federal Witness Protection Program should stop pulling their aliases out of Lemony Snicket books.
North Texas coach Dan McCarney: "Yup. Feelin' good, though."
Les: "Hope so."
[Les Miles pushes Dan McCarney backward over a prone Mike the Tiger as accomplice.]
P.S. Les Miles thinks "a stroke" means "West Nile virus."
Central Arkansas Bears at Mississippi Rebels. "We're going to have to live with what's on the scoreboard" has been Hugh Freeze's motto all offseason long. The scoreboard has jets that shoot blood out of it. So, you know, same as last year.
Jackson St. Tigers at Mississippi St. Bulldogs. Dan Mullen did not spray-paint "Our State" on the Jax State charter buses. That's acrylic. Good luck getting that @#% off, y'all.
SE Louisiana Lions at Missouri Tigers. The URL for SE La.'s sports department is Lionsports.com, which is misleading at best because no lions are involved, and dammit, now we're just imagining lions trying to platform-dive and distance-run. (Lion Marathon ends in 400m with deep napping.)
Kentucky Wildcats at Louisville Cardinals. Some men just want to watch the world burn, but Joker Phillips would be content with just his truck and now dammit the whole house is on fire that's the last time he tries to change his own oil --
Auburn at Mississippi State. Gene Chizik will already be secretly fired by this point, and will be played by veteran character actor David Keith. I am only half-kidding here.
Florida at Texas A&M. To simulate TAMU fans meeting Florida fans for the first time, drive a church youth-group bus full of illegal exotic pets at high speed headlong into a strip club. Observe results. Report data.
Georgia at Missouri. All Georgia has to do to ensure clear sailing until November is win this game. Georgia will therefore lose this game. These are Mark Richt's rules, not ours.
Western Kentucky Hilltoppers at Alabama. You might think WKU's mascot would make the most disturbing mascot/adult film star, but you'd be wrong. That's Purdue Pete, and his scenes with Stoya are banned in 46 countries.
ULM Warhawks at Arkansas (Little Rock, Ark.). Arkansas plays its home games in two locations, and John L. Smith doesn't care that the schedule says "Fayetteville." He's gonna stand right there with a whistle until the game comes to him.
Kent St. Golden Flashes at Kentucky. The Golden Flashes: both a MAC football team and a medieval description of a malnutrition-related skin condition that probably made you the king of your tribe or something in the stupid, dirty, awful past.
Washington Huskies at LSU. "Sarkisian? I hardly know her!"
"What, Steve? You not into humor?"
"Les, I appreciate that, but that doesn't even make sense."
"Eh, what does, kid?"
[Les Miles pushes Steve Sarkisian backward over a crouched Mike the Tiger acting as accomplice.]
UTEP Miners at Ole Miss. You'll have to live with what's on this scoreboard, which is just a bunch of quail skulls and the head of Houston Nutt in kabuki makeup mouthing the word "UNCLEAN" over and over again. (Note: scoreboard is still bleeding.)
East Carolina Pirates at South Carolina. Not played at ECU, which is a shame because "Dowdy-Ficklen Stadium" should really be said out loud more often by television announcers. ECU is full of people from North Carolina who actually care about football, also known as South Carolinians.
Georgia St. Panthers at Tennessee. Tyler Bray's wristband for this game: just 15 diagrams of pass routes made to look like cartoon penises. This is his playbook for every game he has ever played.
Vanderbilt at Northwestern Wildcats. Win or lose, someone's getting an Audi Quattro station wagon, khakis and an exaggerated childhood food allergy out of this game.
Alabama at Arkansas. John L. Smith's greatest achievement as a coach will be winning this game, and then losing to Rutgers the following week at home.
Florida at Tennessee. The Temple of the Dog of matchups: a collaboration last heard of in the 1990s and overrated from the start.
Western Kentucky at Kentucky. If Kentucky loses this game, Western Kentucky will ascend to the SEC and relegate UK to the Sun Belt. Derek Dooley will pay you SO much money to lose, WKU.
Idaho Vandals at LSU. Idaho coach Robb Akey named his children "Jack" and "Daniel." He might never leave Baton Rouge or be allowed to leave Louisiana. (As Idaho is going to be homeless and independent next year, they may as well stay.)
Texas at Ole Miss. Hugh Freeze will have to live with what's on the scoreboard, which would be something horrible and terrifying you could see if it weren't being broadcast on the Longhorn Network. The five people who can see it? All ruined for life. Trust us.
Mississippi State at Troy Trojans. I like Troy. They're like antimatter Auburn: just on the other side of reality, mysterious and kept in a mirror world across town. Also, like antimatter, when they're let into the real football world, from time to time they result in horrible explosions and kill entire teams in the process.
Arizona St. Sun Devils at Missouri. Arizona State coach Todd Graham will have a great plan for this game. (He has already left this preview for another preview closer to his family.)
UAB Blazers at South Carolina. UAB is the Reliant Robin of football programs: it looks like it's going to turn a corner and then rolls violently because someone only gave it three wheels from the beginning.
Texas A&M at SMU Mustangs. Playing for the historical Banana Yellow 1984 Trans Am In Mama's Name With An Assload of Unmarked Bills In The Glove Compartment Trophy.
Presbyterian Blue Hose at Vanderbilt. The Presbyterian College mascot is the Blue Hose. SMURFY PROSTITUTION HOMOPHONE JOKES GO HERE.
Louisiana-Monroe at Auburn. This marks the game where Bobby Petrino starts coaching Auburn through a tiny earpiece in actor David Keith's ear. Think "Ratatouille," but with real people and one lizard wearing human flesh playing the key parts.
LSU at Auburn. "Hey, Gene, how you doin'?"
"Great, um ... (checks cheat sheet) ... Les."
"Hey, you look ... different. You do something with your lips?"
David Keith whispers into his headset: "We are compromised."
"Tell Bobby not to take any sharp corners."
[Les Miles pushes David Keith playing "Gene Chizik" over a kneeling Mike the Tiger and snickers.]
Rutgers Scarlet Knights at Arkansas. "It's no shame to lose to them! These men invented college football and chemical warfare! How else do you explain New Jersey if not 'tragic mustard gas accident!'" -- John L. Smith in the postgame speech after a shocking defeat at home.
Kentucky at Florida. Now a real game thanks to Western Kentucky's promotion to the SEC in week four. Will Muschamp comments on this game by running a Bowie knife over his newly shaven skull and murmuring something about "humbling them old-country way."
Vanderbilt at Georgia. James Franklin may lose the game, but your tires are so slashed in the parking lot, Todd Grantham.
Missouri at South Carolina. Gary Pinkel is going to learn so many things in the SEC: the depth of the defensive lines, the overwhelming speed and the existence of diet Skoal-spit at the concession stands at Williams-Brice Stadium.
Florida Atlantic at Alabama. Frank Stallone facts, via IMDB.com!
Seldom has a performer been strongly considered for an Academy Award in both acting and music, yet Frank Stallone has managed to pull it off.
So much more amazing than we ever knew! Carl Pelini and FAU will not almost win this game.
Ole Miss at Tulane Green Wave. This being New Orleans, that thing you have to live with on the scoreboard, Ole Miss? It's a live webcam of Dr. John taking a bath. No, there are no obscuring bubbles, and the loofah is going right where you feared it would go.
South Alabama Jaguars at Mississippi State. If Mississippi State can't beat Alabama, they're going to rehearse for it by beating every non-SEC team in Alabama in one season, dammit.
Akron Zips at Tennessee. "Say hello to your fathers for me," says Nick Saban to Terry Bowden and Derek Dooley. Nick Saban's father may not have been a famous coach, but he was the toughest ATM in West Virginia. His last receipt may have said, "I require service," but Nick knew it meant, "I love you."
S. Carolina St. Bulldogs at Texas A&M. "Saw ... bulldogs? Horns off? BULLDOGS DON'T HAVE HORNS. REWRITE! COPY!"
Ole Miss at Alabama. Hugh Freeze must live with what's on the scoreboard, which is probably some Alabama fan who, as an adult, waves a pom-pom he insists on calling a shaker. For once, this is a universal horror, Hugh, and we all have to commiserate along with you.
Arkansas at Texas A&M. John L. Smith calls a fake punt from his own 18-yard line. On second down. To be fair, they did not in fact see it coming, just like he said.
Tennessee at Georgia. Mark Richt losing to Derek Dooley would be the Christian thing to do, especially because even Christians like keeping wins on the schedule.
South Carolina at Kentucky. "Kentucky football is a step ahead of Kentucky basketball on one thing. They vacate wins before the season ever starts." -- Steve Spurrier, probably, after this game.
Towson Tigers at LSU. "So, where's Towson, coach?"
"Well, Les, it's in Maryland."
"Not aware of any college football teams there, coach."
"Me neither, Coach Miles. We're the only one."
[Les Miles pushes Towson's coach over a kneeling Mike the Tiger, snickers.]
Missouri at Central Florida Knights. What's less likable than George O'Leary? Nothing. Nothing in this whole godforsaken, cursed world. That's the joke.
Arkansas at Auburn. You can't tell a cat not to pounce, and you can't tell John L. Smith not to shoot wildly at a hawk endangering his team and an entire stadium full of people. No, he doesn't have a license for that gun. This is America.
LSU at Florida. "Hey, Will, I just wanted to tell you--"
[Will Muschamp stumbles over a kneeling Mike the Tiger all by himself without any help or prompting. Les Miles snickers.]
Georgia at South Carolina. Jadeveon Clowney pockets Aaron Murray, keeps him in a man-purse like a French bulldog because the ladies adore it and his CALL IT A EUROPEAN CARRY-ALL IF YOU DON'T WANT TO DIE, BRUH.
Texas A&M at Ole Miss. Thing Hugh Freeze will have to live with on the scoreboard: Texas A&M's only locked conference win of the year. That, and the continued geysers of blood shooting out of it.
Vanderbilt at Missouri. "Hey, did you know we have a really good journalism school?" And thus did James Franklin conceive the "blogger defense" that decimated Missouri for three decades.
Mississippi State at Kentucky. Dan Mullen does not trust Joe Schad, who will report the news of this blowout three weeks after the fact.
Alabama at Missouri. Missouri as a state has a high number of video porn rental places. This is good, because Nick Saban just happens to need to return some ... videotapes. (Playbook just reads "FEED ME A CAT" over and over again.)
Kentucky at Arkansas. If this were a concert, Hologram Bear Bryant would take the stage and tell you all how ashamed he was of all of you. Then he would perform a tear-jerking rendition of "Dear Mama."
Auburn at Ole Miss. Thing Hugh Freeze will have to live with on the scoreboard: a random win, because life is weird and terrifying not just for people named "Hugh Freeze?" Yes, this.
Florida at Vanderbilt. Still playing two quarterbacks each game wasn't the plan. Neither was tying their legs together and making them work like a three-legged man, but if nothing else is working, try the insane, says offensive coordinator Brent Pease. (Florida technically yields two sacks for one in an amazing deal available for a limited time only, because FIRING.)
South Carolina at LSU. "Hey, Steve, good to see you. Say, I--"
[Les Miles trips over a kneeling and confused Mike the Tiger. Steve Spurrier snickers.]
Tennessee at Mississippi State. Tyler Bray throwing a cowbell for a TD doesn't count in the standings, but it does in your heart.
Alabama at Tennessee. One of the South's most bitter rivalries, along with "Truck versus Deer!" Tennessee's the deer.
Auburn at Vanderbilt. Brian VanGorder's mustache leaves the Auburn coaching roster at this point. It opens a car detailing business in Mobile, and is very successful.
South Carolina at Florida. Your exit exam at Florida is hiding a body in a swamp successfully, so technically Steve Spurrier has done everything he's going to do in this game already.
Georgia at Kentucky. Just when you think Joker Phillips is down for the count, he staggers up, and then goes down for the count for real this time.
LSU at Texas A&M. A renewal of the old rivalry that destroyed the halfway point of Beaumont, Texas, three times in the 1960s and 1970s. All three times were regarded as improvements on the prior Beaumont.*
*Have never been to Beaumont and I'm sure it is perfect, lovely, and has no problems. Please enjoy your Internet.
Middle Tenn. St. Blue Raiders at Mississippi State. I took the Blue Raiders to seven straight national titles once in EA's "NCAA Football." My coach had an orange mullet, and looked like Jerry Kill with a serious drinking problem and gout. This has nothing to do with this game, and neither should you.
Ole Miss at Arkansas (Little Rock, Ark.). I refuse to choose between a battered Ole Miss team working with a blocking sled at left tackle and an Arkansas team coached by John-El. Passion forbids it; reason refutes it.
Texas A&M at Auburn. Kevin Sumlin, Bobby Lowder is NOT offering you the Auburn job by pressing his bare nipple to the chest of the luxury box, but he's not NOT offering it, either.
Florida vs. Georgia (Jacksonville, Fla.). Oddly, the one thing Mark Richt does have control of will be the Florida offense.
Kentucky at Missouri. In SEC gangland initiations, Kentucky is Combo and Mizzou is the 11-year-old wannabe who has to shoot him on a street corner for selling in their territory. This is a meth joke about Missouri. It will not be the last.
Tennessee at South Carolina. The game of the year for those who enjoy watching Tyler Bray morph into the next Nick Foles. (In a losing effort, and going 54-for-83 with six touchdowns and five interceptions in a losing effort.)
Mississippi State at Alabama. What color is Nick Saban's parachute? Whatever color skin he can find and make a parachute out of, mostly.
UMass Minutemen at Vanderbilt. The Minutemen versus the Commodores in a battle of teams who should be playing a double bill at Mohegan Sun on Aug. 4.
Alabama at LSU. They saved their rollover points from last year, so the winner should get to 13 this time.
New Mexico St. Aggies at Auburn. Auburn wins. Not in life, but in this football game.
Missouri at Florida. If we had to tell people what to prepare for as Mizzou fans visiting Gainesville, we'd say: The open-container laws are strict, particularly in regards to methamphetamine production. Use chemical hoods and filtration systems appropriately.
Ole Miss at Georgia. Jesus loves both of these men, and you, and everyone. He hates Ole Miss, though. He hates Ole Miss like nothing else in this world.
Vanderbilt at Kentucky. If I were a rail baron and started my own university, I'd make sure they had a cooler name than Commodores. It would still reflect my rank, though, and that's why the Hall University Barge Thieves would exist.
Texas A&M at Mississippi State.This would be a terrible game for Mississippi State to lose, and a really bad one to lose by two points. That's good, because they therefore lose this one by one as Starkville's chief import is pain.
Troy at Tennessee. Derek Dooley at this point will touch the Troy Antimatter just to end 2012.
Tulsa Golden Hurricane at Arkansas. Todd Graham shows up out of habit. Embarrassed, he asks someone for a ride to the airport.
Texas A&M at Alabama. Aggie fans leave wondering how such a hippie school could be so very good at football.
Arkansas at South Carolina. Ace Sanders earns the nickname "Ace" in this game for two punt returns for TDs and because South Carolinians are not very creative people.
Georgia at Auburn. The South's oldest rivalry echoes tradition! Someone from somewhere north tramples helplessly over someone who lives further south and then burns their stuff to the ground.
Mississippi State at LSU. Rob Bolden's seeing the field for LSU in this game, most likely as a punter with an unconventional style: throwing it. "The rugby throw is a real weapon," says Miles.
Vanderbilt at Ole Miss. The thing Hugh Freeze will have to live with on the scoreboard: an in-stadium re-broadcast of James Franklin's horrible version of "Somebody That I Used To Know" that he posted on YouTube because "the kids like it." No upper vocal register whatsoever. (And the blood. The never-ending gushing of blood from the scoreboard.)
Missouri at Tennessee. Derek Dooley looked before him and saw a pale horse / with a pale rider / and it was Gary Pinkel / on a horse / because his license is still suspended / and you'd think he'd get a rental car / but I guess he's into horses / oh god Tennessee is going to lose to Mizzou aren't they / stupid-ass five-horse-wide offense
Louisiana Ragin Cajuns at Florida. The Ragin' Cajuns will not beat Florida, but they will leave crawfish shells all over the place, and that's how you get rats and seagulls fighting for your entertainment at the post-game tailgate. A sawbuck on the rat for the win! Thanks, UL Lafayette.
Arkansas at Mississippi State. Bully is the heart-healthy bulldog in the SEC. He's fit, can breathe, and seems as happy as a dog can be. If Mississippi State fans saw him in real life, they'd probably pet him. Arkansas fans have a violent, angry wild pig as their mascot, but would probably still try to pet it if they'd had enough liquor. What does this say about this game? Nothing, but it does say a lot about why Arkansas hired Bobby Petrino. If you'll pet a psychopathic pig and dare call it your own, hiring Petrino is nothing. (P.S.: Do not try to pet wild pigs. They hate everything.)
Alabama A&M Bulldogs at Auburn. I wish an HBCU band would really do the thing they always say they'll do when they brag -- "We're better-conditioned than the football team, put us out there." Then again, maybe I just want the Alabama A&M band to have a shot at beating Auburn, which, depending on how bad things get, might be a life possibility. (Don't get angry, Auburn fans. This much pessimism ensures eight wins, minimum.)
Ole Miss at LSU. Thing Hugh Freeze will have to live with on the scoreboard: the LSU fan who decides to come dressed as "LSU Ho White." This fan will be a man. You cannot prepare for it no matter what else you look at.
Tennessee at Vanderbilt. No worries, Tennessee fans. If Tennessee does one thing well, it's kick Vanderbilt's ass INTO THE SEC TITLE GAME WITH A WIN. Derek Dooley might say this, if he's as far around the bend as we think he could be here.
Western Carolina Catamounts at Alabama. I saw this church flyer when I was in North Carolina. My first thought: "Man, the Catamounts are NOT f*&$ing around with their marketing this year."
Syracuse Orange at Missouri. Syracuse can enjoy the relief of playing a game in the moderate, cool outdoors instead of inside the hellish Carrier Dome. And no, Doug Marrone will not turn the thermostat down because his prize orchids are integral to the success of his football program.
Jacksonville State at Florida. THAT'S A WIN, WILL MUSCHAMP. (I think. Oh, God, please let it be.)
Georgia Southern Eagles at Georgia. Erk Russell's head is the trophy. Literally. It's still talking, and is very disappointed in what a bunch of nancies you all turned out to be.
Samford Bulldogs at Kentucky. It is so rude of you to be measuring the drapes in Joker Phillips' office, Tuberville. But home decor, unlike Kentucky football, never takes a day off.
Wofford Terriers at South Carolina. The terrier has his own house on Wofford's campus, making him South Carolina's fifth-richest resident.
Sam Houston St. Bearkats at Texas A&M. Sam Houston State: still pining for the sadistic touch of Mike Leach's whip, but accepting Kevin Sumlin's thrashing as a dull substitute.
LSU at Arkansas. "TIM AND ERIC'S BILLION DOLLAR MOVIE," but the football version.
Auburn at Alabama. "The Iron Bowl just isn't the same without Dennis Franchione." -- one really insane person, probably.
Kentucky at Tennessee. A Native American warned early settlers of Kentucky that they were purchasing "a dark and bloody ground." John Calipari has no idea what they were talking about ... yet.
Mississippi State at Ole Miss. What Hugh Freeze will have to live with on the scoreboard: a video of Dan Mullen fast-forwarding through "The Blind Side" in his living room, going, "Where's the part where I kick your ass, MeximElton John?"
Missouri at Texas A&M. Pass defense is turned off pregame for old times' sake. It's in the options menu no one ever uses. Nick Saban is in the sixth season of the sickest dynasty mode game right now.
Florida at Florida St. Seminoles. E.J. Manuel, after beating Florida, confesses to rival coach Will Muschamp that his throwing hand is basically that big fake arm Carl Weathers has in "Happy Gilmore." "Just like Tebow's," Muschamp mutters.
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets at Georgia. You think a team couldn't win with a 175-pound nose tackle, but Paul Johnson would like to know that yeah, you're right, that was not a very smart idea.
South Carolina at Clemson. I wish robot football was real. Clemson's robots would all just run down the hill and pile up in a beeping, whirring, struggling mess at the bottom every time.
Vanderbilt at Wake Forest Demon Deacons. Unfair to make two national title contenders play this late in the season, but no one said college football is fair.
While we’re here, let’s watch some of the many fine college football videos from SB Nation’s YouTube channel: