SB Nation - Adam Decker

Wrap-Up: And Then There Were Three

Kevin HD — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 01:54:31 -0000

James Vandenberg whispering sweet nothings to Ricky Stanzi. (AP Photo/Al Goldis)

Iowa 15, Michigan State 13

Penn State's chances of sole possession of the Big Ten crown (or as we've been calling it since 2005: actually winning the conference) fell well below 1% last night when Ricky Stanzi threw a game winning touchdown pass with just 2 seconds on the clock.

It was a true defensive slugfest for over 50 minutes. Up until the drive that gave Iowa a 9-6 lead, the two teams combined for just one drive over 70 yards, just two drives over 50 yards.

And I can't find out why this happened: after Iowa scored the winning touchdown with no time on the clock, they were forced to "attempt" the extra point. They did the obvious thing and took a knee, but since when do they require this? The only thing I can think of, and I'm all speculation here (none of the beat stories I've found address this): Dantonio demanded it. Score another one for the sore loser?

Iowa will finish with Indiana, Northwestern, Ohio State and Minnesota. The chances of them falling twice in those four games is low; Iowa fans can officially begin to worry about being shut out if Texas and Floribama win out.

Ohio State 38, Minnesota 7

The sky was falling in the state of Ohio last week and everyone was ready to send super-recruit Pryor back to wherever he came from.

But the preseason offensive player of the year rebounded from his four-turnover performance against Purdue to demolish a Gopher team that is heading 100 MPH towards the bottom of the Big Ten standings. It didn't help UM moral when the only standout on the team, Eric Decker, went out early in the game with an ankle injury.

It was a slow start for the Buckeyes but they finished strong -- over 500 yards of offense, 5.5 yard per rush and a 4-1 turnover ratio. Pryor led the team in rushing with over 100 yards and had another 239 through the air to wide-frickin-open receivers.

The Ohio State defense is the real deal, however, and they have been most of the season.

Ohio State is very much still in control of their destiny...winning out puts them in the Rose Bowl and they get Iowa at home.

Northwestern 29, Indiana 28

Indiana reaches a new painful low. Up 28-3 with 7:31 to go in the 1st half, they gave up 26 unanswered points until they were faced with 21 seconds on the clock and a 59-yard field goal for the win. What really hurts is that they almost made it, the kick was solid and on line, but fell three or four yards short.

But my favorite part of the game? Definitely Pat Fitzgerald's post game interview in which he enlightened us with something like, "There are three kinds of people in the world," and then went right along and explained to us what none of them are. I love when football gets philosophical.

The Hoosiers went 3-1 with a softer non-con schedule than Penn State (including a blowout loss to hapless Virginia) but now have their second heartbreaking loss of the Big Ten schedule.

They need two more wins against Wisconsin, Penn State and Purdue or it's nothing but Rotel for December.

Northwestern now holds five wins but faces a brutal final stretch: Penn State, Iowa, Illinois and Wisconsin.

Purdue 24, Illinois 14

Two teams with four wins between them faced off in a game that was forgettable and difficult to watch. Purdue jumped out to an early lead, outgained Illinois by 60 yards and avoided a letdown after the big win last week against Ohio State.

I'm now kicking myself every week for thinking Illinois would be competent this season. Williams went 9 for 18 with a pick, rushed for just 38 yards on 14 carries, and ended up getting benched for someone named Jacob Charest.

They've lost five in a row and haven't scored over 17 points all season. I don't know how Zook can keep his job (update: but he will).

What we know.

The standings look like this:

Iowa has already bested MSU and Wisconsin, so only if the Hawkeyes somehow fall three times in the next four weeks do those teams have a chance. In other words, they don't have a chance.

So it's now a three-horse race, although only Iowa and Ohio State control their own destinies. Penn State can win a Buckeye Crown(R) with a win against Ohio State and a Hawkeye loss to Tressel the following week.

The Obligatory Predictions Competition - Week 8

Law Buckeye — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:20:10 -0000

1. INDIANA at NORTHWESTERN, 12:00 p.m. EST (10/24), Big Ten Network

GRAHAMFILLER10 predicts NORTHWESTERN by 7

Wildcat mania has taken a backseat to the overall mediocrity of this Northwestern team. Mike Kafka has done everything he’s been asked to do, but the 34-47, 290 yard performances aren’t leading to any points. With all that said, the Wildcats defense has vastly improved and Vegas (NW -6) seems to believe Ryan Field will be friendly to Pat Fitzgerald this weekend. I’m trusting Vegas here in a close one

LAW BUCKEYE predicts NORTHWESTERN by 7

From a motivational standpoint this could be the best game of the week. Both Indiana and Northwestern need two wins to become bowl eligible and both Indiana and Northwestern only have two "winnable" games left on their schedule. Would you be surprised if I told you that Saturday was one of them? I believe the winner of this game will go bowling and the loser will stay home. Everything else being equal, I like the Wildcats to slow down the pistol offense. Mike Kafka and Zeke Markshausen can take over from there. Still, don't expect anyone to lay down and die with the season on the line.

2. ILLINOIS at PURDUE, 12:00 p.m. EST (10/24), ESPN 2

GRAHAMFILLER10 predicts PURDUE by 14

At the beginning of this season, this reads "blowout, Illinois." Now? I don’t think any readers will pick Illinois on the road. And I’m inclined to agree at first glance. My defining factor is confined to Illinois’ inability to play a complete game. 400 yards of total offense against Indiana…led to 14 Illini points. A great defensive gameplan against Mizzou…helped hold the Tigers to 37 points when the defense wore out under the offensive’s immense ineptitude.

Things working in Purdue’s favor – Cohesive passing offense and three legitimate playmaking wide receivers (Carlos, Smith, Valentin)…Home crowd freshly excited from rushing the field against Ohio State…Playing against Juice Williams…

LAW BUCKEYE predicts PURDUE by 10

Picking the Illini to beat Indiana last week was my last olive branch. It's time to send the black sheep of the conferene to reform school. Before Purdue smashed Ohio State, I called them the best 1-5 team in the history of college football. It's finally time to call them what they are: a force on the rise. If Purdue can win the turnover battle they take this one without breaking a sweat. Expect Ryan Kerrigan to have another big day.

3. No. 13 PENN STATE at MICHIGAN, 3:30 p.m. EST (10/24), ABC

GRAHAMFILLER10 predicts MICHIGAN by 7

Most of you will pick Penn State because you believe the Michigan defense is soft. Most of you believe Michigan may gash some runs early, but won’t be able to continue their success as the game wears on against Odrick and Josh Hill. Most of you believe, at least for this year, Michigan is no better than a 7-5 team which shows flashes of brilliance. Oh, and most of you think Tate Forcier is too small to survive another murderous defense akin to Penn State’s.

I’m inclined to agree with most those statements. But I think the Wolverine’s can get up for this one, plus I’m going to need some upset points, ala two weeks ago and Miami/Oklahoma. Penn State hasn’t 1) seen a spread run offense and 2) hasn’t played a team with the speed of Michigan. The Wolverines are healthy and rested – I don’t believe in this pick, but oh hell, let’s see what the Run Spread can do against the monster 4-3 of PSU.

LAW BUCKEYE predicts PENN STATE by 10

I think how you pick this one is more of a reflection on Michigan than Penn State. Do the Wolverines -- whose September 18th 1-point triumph against then No. 18 Notre Dame seems like a long time ago -- have another upset left in the tank? If they do, who gets the bequest? Is it a Nittany Lion team they always seem to frustrate? (Joe Pa hasn't won at the Big House since 1996). Or, are they saving something special for their good buddies in the Buckeye state? Don't get me wrong, I think Michigan's program is on the right track, but I see a statement game coming saturday for a team whose national discussion always seems to get prefaced with, "we don't really know how good they are." Daryll Clark might be the only quarterback in the Big Ten. A steadily improving Nittany Lion offensive line paves the way for a big day for Evan Royster. Penn State has four receivers with 20 or more catches. UM has none. Clark goes to the air early and often and -- with the help of WR Derek Moye -- puts this game out of reach by the mid-point of the third quarter.

4. No. 6 IOWA at MICHIGAN STATE, 7:30 p.m. EST (10/24), Big Ten Network

GRAHAMFILLER10 predicts IOWA by 10

Most important game of the weekend, no question, but that’s because every game Iowa plays while undefeated is #1 on the Big Ten’s radar. Iowa has slowed two good offenses in their home stadiums, which is exactly what they’ll do in East Lansing. Scott Tolzien was on FIRE, until he met the Iowa pass defense zone…and wilted. Same goes for the rattled Daryll Clark. Kirk Cousins is just as good as both of them and probably has better wide receivers. Vegas says pick ‘em, but it doesn’t matter. I won’t bet against this Iowa defense until I have to.

On a side note, Iowa’s wide receivers have been spectacular of late. Trey Stross made a couple Adam Decker-esque catches against Wisconsin, while DJK and Tony Moeaki made big plays in Madison and two weeks ago versus UM.

LAW BUCKEYE predicts IOWA by 14

Come on. You know you want to pick the Spartans. Iowa has lost the last four times they've played in East Lansing. Michigan State has rebounded from a 1-3 start to be staring down the barrel of the Big Ten race. Greg Jones is everywhere. If there's one thing these Hawkeyes haven't done is win big. I think it all clicks Saturday night under the lights as Stanzi plays smart, takes care of the football, and Tight End Tony Moeaki does the rest. Just like that, Iowa is off to its first 8-0 start, ever.

5. No. 8 TCU at No. 16 BYU, 7:30 p.m. EST (10/24)

GRAHAMFILLER10 predicts TCU by 10

Great article in SI a couple weeks ago about how TCU takes 3 star running backs and converts them to defensive players. Apparently they recruit these 200 lb athletes and add 50 lbs, then sit back and watch as these players turn into All-Americans. Not a bad idea – in fact it’s led Texas Christian to the brink of the BCS Top 8. I hitched my star to BYU this year and was rewarded with a 5 touchdown thrashing at the hands of Florida State. What does FSU and TCU have in common? Mmm speed. The Horned Frogs ran into a perfect storm last year, losing to two of the top three teams in the nation, Utah and Oklahoma. This victory in Provo will spur them closer to a BCS berth.

LAW BUCKEYE predicts TCU by 10

Want to tune in for this mid-major marathon? Me too. Too bad it won't be covered on network television. The best of the Mountain West come together in Provo Saturday. Last year the Horned Frogs snapped the Cougars 16 game winning streak in conference. Senior BYU Quarterback Max Hall will try to avoid the warts of last year's 2-interception performance against the number four defense in the country. Sure, BYU shocked then No. 3 Oklahoma in their season opener. But who hasn't? I think TCU's ~~horny~~, ahem, thorny defense suffocates BYU in the thin night mountain air on its way to the BCS.

Kirk Cousins is MSU's Name Only Starter, and Other Observations on Michigan State Depth Chart

Pete Rossman — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 16:30:27 -0000

Coach Mark Dantonio named Kirk Cousins the starter for the Montana State game Saturday. However, Keith Nichol is still listed as a co-starter, and will also play in the first half. That's probably one of the least interesting parts of today's release of the depth chart (depth chart can be found here in PDF). Let's break down all the positions:

RB: Caulton Ray is the starter; Edwin Baker and Larry Caper are both listed in the #2 spot. All three of them will probably see a decent amount of snaps on Saturday.
WR: Blair White is the starter on one side, Mark Dell and B.J. Cunningham are co-starters on the other side. Keshawn Martin is backing up Blair White - no real surprises here with the exception of redshirt freshman Myles White at third string.

OT: Rocco Cironi might be more injured than we've been led to believe, as Bowling Green transfer D.J. Young is listed as a co-starter at left tackle along with Cironi. At right tackle, fifth-year senior Brendon Moss has the start ahead of another fifth-year senior, Mike Schmeding. Don't be surprised if someone else starts at right tackle in a couple games.

OG: Joel Foreman holds down his spot at left guard ahead of Ethan Ruhland. Jared McGaha has won the spot at right guard, beating out J'Michael Deane.

C: No surprises, as Joel Nitchman's starting. One time D-Lineman John Stipek is listed as the backup.

TE: The only surprise here is that Dion Sims is listed as the third tight end, behind Charlie Gantt and Brian Linthecum.

FB: Recuited as a linebacker in the JLS era, Andrew Hawken is the starting fullback ahead of Josh Rouse and Andrew Pendy.

DE: Nothing drastic has happened since camp started, as Trevor Anderson and Colin Neely are starting, with David Rolf and Tyler Hoover as the back-ups. Not much to see here.

DT: Oren Wilson has kept one of the starting spots, and Kevin Pickelman has won the second starting spot from Jerel Worthy. Antonio Jeremiah's at third string still, and isn't likely to see the field unless he can get under 320 pounds.

MLB: Greg Jones, duh. Adam Decker's behind Jones, also duh.

OLB: Eric Gordon's keeping the starting spot he had last year, and Brandon Denson's starting on the other side. It looks like all the hype around freshman Chris Norman wasn't just hot air, he's got a spot in the two deep. Jon Misch battled injuries last year, and now healthy, he's got the other OLB two-deep spot.

CB: Jeremy Ware and Ross Weaver are co-starters at one spot, and that's the only news here.

S: Danny Fortener and Marcus Hyde are starters, as announced last week.

K/P: Swenson. Bates. Done. Of note: Swenson will be performing kickoffs.

PR: Keshawn Martin will return punts in this game, with Dell backing him up.

KR: A.J. Jimmerson will be one kick returner, and either Martin or Glenn Winston will be the other starter. I'm guessing Martin will eventually win the job, since Winston probably still needs some time to get into playing shape.

An Almost Timely Early Look at the 2009 Schedule - Week 9 vs. Michigan State

JG2112 — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 15:00:16 -0000

More photos » by David Banks - AP

Why must you be, such an angry old man?

Browse more photos »

Previously: Syracuse, The Air Force Academy, California, Northwestern, Wisconsin, Purdue, Penn State, ~~Ohio State~~.

Michigan State: At a glance:

Location: East Lansing, Michigan

Stadium: Spartan Stadium (size: 75,005)
Expected Attendance: 0. The game's in Minneapolis.
Undergraduate population: 36,337.
First season: 1896
Number of Big Ten Titles: 9 6
All-time record: 592-403-44
All-time bowl record: 7-11.

Most awesome alum: undoubtedly John C. Holmes, who .... oh wait, that's not him? Oh.

Well, then I guess it's a close race between Jimmy Hoffa and honorary alum Robert Mugabe. Yes, the Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe was once in possession of a Michigan State honorary degree (alas, it was revoked in 2008).

Most awesome Michigan State fan site: The Only Colors. Runner-up: Spartan Tailgate.

The Quad has Sparty as preseason # 31.

Jump with me.....

The Big Ten Network could care less if you have kids if you're a Gopher or Spartan fan. This game is slated for a 7:00 CST start on Halloween, which means 4 second row tickets in section 109 may go unused at the Vault, and instead of going overboard on beer at ~~TCF~~ Stub N Herb's, I'll load up on Sweet Tarts and Dubble Bubble. Thanks alot BTN - I may go trick or treating as Gerry DiNardo (XFL edition, of course) and scare all the neighborhood kids.

This will be Minnesota's first game against Michigan's agricultural school since 2006, when Minnesota won 31-18 in East Lansing. The teams' last meeting at Metrodump was in 2005, when Amir Pinnix rushed for 206 yards in a 41-18 victory. Of course, you can't talk 2005 Michigan State football without talking about John L. Smith and the bumbling coaches.

Times are changing, of course, and the dour, unhappy elephant Mark Dantonio is now the coach. He has instilled discipline, technique, and resolve to a team that found the second-half meltdown to be a rite of passage as the year got colder (something Coach Brewster has yet to solve for the Gophers). Last year, State went 9-4, losing to Cal, Ohio State, Penn State and Georgia. Most notably, Michigan State beat Michigan for the first time in 9 years (Plaxico?) and for the first time at Michigan Stadium since 1990.

While State has a number of pieces in place, there are a few significant questions marks that need to be solved and of course, they start with:

Michigan State on Offense: Brian Hoyer was the two-year starter and has now departed. Think of him as Bryan Cupito, and you'll realize how little he did or was noticed, and how his departure didn't even cause shoulders to shrug in central Michigan. This year has seen Oklahoma transfer (this guy couldn't beat out Sam Bradford at QB? FAIL) Keith Nicol and Kirk Cousins battle for the starting job. The position remains open as fall camp approaches.

Ever heard of Javon Ringer? If you watched every snap of every Michigan State game last year, you would have heard his name called 418 times, 390 of those on rushing plays. He's now backing up Chris Johnson and the tequila-free LenDale White in Tennessee, and leaves a significant hole in the MSU backfield. The returning rushers should be rather fresh as they only received 7% of the rushes. Andre Anderson, who got 26 of those in 2008, probably is first-string at this point, though incoming freshmen Edwin Baker and Larry Caple will probably get significant time as well.

State returns all but one of their top 9 wideouts and tight ends, including Blair White, BJ Cunningham, Mark Dell, each of whom had over 35 receptions last year, and TE Charlie Gantt.

Finally, on the O-line, State loses multi-year starters Roland Martin and Jesse Miller on the right side of their line, and will probably fill those spots with seniors Brendan Moss and John Stipek. The other three positions will probably be filled by Rocco Cironi, Joel Foreman, and Joel Nitchman.

Bottom Line: Michigan State's Offense: Think Ohio State. Think Iowa. Michigan State runs a conventional pro-style offense focusing upon the run game first, field position, conservative play-calling and play-action. The Spartans will be breaking in a new quarterback and new running backs the first part of the season, which could lead to problems when they play, say, Notre Dame. However, they should be aided by a strong defense that will give them good field position. By the time of the Minnesota game, the offense should be good for 23 points or so.

Michigan State's Defense: The defense is very solid, returning 8 starters. Dantonio's defensive focus (he was Ohio State's defensive coordinator when they won the 2003 BCS championship) has solidified what had been a porous unit in the past for the Green and White.

On the defensive line, MSU loses two starters, Long and Kershaw, but the best one, Trevor Anderson, returns. He had 30 tackles, 10.5 tackles for loss and 8 sacks in 2008.

As for linebackers, all 3 starters return, but look for junior Greg Jones, the pre-season Big 10 Defensive Player of the Year. He had 127 tackles in 2008, calls the defenses and is almost unblockable. Also returning are the other two starters, Eric Gordon and (in a weird way, a meld of the Gophers' offensive attack) Adam Decker. Behind the returning starters is incoming freshman Chris Norman. This is probably the strongest part of the entire team. It will be important for Stommes, Wills and the other Gophers linemen to get releases from the defensive line and attempt to put a block on these linebackers - otherwise, the Gophers' rushing attack is going to get stalled due to the Spartans' stellar linebacking play.

The defensive backfield is also deep and talented, and in comparison to the Gophers, runs eight deep. Starting S Otis Wiley has departed, but Chris L. Rucker, Jeremy Ware, Marcus Hyde, and Dan Fortener return.

Bottom Line: Michigan State's Defense: State's defense is experienced, stout, and disciplined. If the Gophers' rushing game expects to have any success, it needs to put blocks on those solid Spartan linebackers. MSU also seems to have enough quality defensive backs to be able to deal with a 4 or 5 WR look should the Gophers choose to attack through the air. Finally, if the Gophers attempt to use MarQueis Gray in a WildRodent formation, well, he'll have to shed Greg Jones. I fear this is a match-up that the redshirt freshman QB will have difficulty with.

Michigan State on Special Teams: Both specialists return. Brett Swenson does the kicking, has a long of 50 yards, and is used to kicking in the cold and at night. The punter, Aaron Bates, punted 71 times in 2008, averaging over 41 ypk. Importantly, Michigan State is deep at wide receiver and at defensive back, meaning that some quality wide men will be on the kickoff and return teams. This unit I feel will be better than, say, Penn State's, and they may have the experience to stop Troy Stoudermire from having a big day.

Bottom Line: What to Expect: These are the kind of games that Minnesota is going to have trouble with: a well-drilled, disciplined team which plays the field position and punting game. Obviously, Minnesota is trying to move to this style of offense, but in year one, at game nine, they may not be there yet. Further, this is a serious trap game. The Gophers will be returning home after games at Ohio State and Penn State. It's Halloween night, so the players may be thinking ahead to the parties that evening (Sparty will be flying home and won't have that issue). The high-powered Illinois offense is at TCF seven days later. Michigan State may be an afterthought, as silly as that may seem for a team ranked third in the preseason prognostication for the Big Ten.

Looking at this game on August 5th, there are two keys for the Gophers to have success against the Spartans: (1) score early and force Michigan State to play catch-up; and (2) minimize Greg Jones's influence on the game. If they can do either of these things, the game stays close. If they do both, the chance of winning is very good.

However, I don't see it happening. The Spartans have the depth, experience and guile to combat the Gophers' offense, and it will have just enough offense to get the points it needs. The Agricultural School of Michigan will win its first trip to the Vault.

Michigan State 23

Minnesota 20

Poll

What will be the outcome of the Michigan State at Minnesota game on Halloween night, October 31st, 2009?

Michigan State - big victory

48 votes

Michigan State - squeaker

41 votes

Minnesota - overwhelming victory

18 votes

Minnesota - last second field goal, let's go to Sally's

65 votes

172 votes | Poll has closed

There's A Game On Saturday? 'MSU' Edition

Oops Pow Surprise — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 05:34:40 -0000

Welcome to this week's "M.S.U." edition of TAGOS! No, "M.S.U." doesn't stand for Michigan State. I mean, okay, it does, but not here. Today, it stands for "Making Shit Up," which is what we'll be doing for the next several hundred words. Let's get to know the SPARTAAANS! the best way we know how--without doing any research.

QB Brian Hoyer (Sr.): Hoyer is the emotional leader of the Spartan offense, and it's easy to see why. Armed with a quick arm and a quicker smile, Hoyer can break up the tension in a huddle or a film session with ease. Hoyer likes Miller Lite, NASCAR, and his bulldog Fart. The rascal rightie even tattoed "MADE IN THE USA" on the dog's stomach with arrows pointing to its unneutered scrotum, despite animal cruelty laws specifically prohibiting the practice. Ever the prankster, Hoyer "proposed" to his girlfriend of five years, only he handed her a box without a ring, just a "YOUR [sic] FIRED" note crumpled on the inside.

TB Javon Ringer (Sr.): Ringer is arguably the hardest worker in college football, running the ball over 40 times a game in a strategy that cannot possibly fail. Ringer, a 4.0 Economics major, embraces this gameplan. Amid growing worries about the state of the US economy and the concurrent skyrocketing taxes on the wealthy under likely President Obama, Ringer longs to live in Canada, and a healthy, safe senior season would make that impossible, as he would likely be drafted within the first four rounds of next season's draft. If Dantonio wears Ringer out and the diminutive tailback can't crack 4.60 in the 40-yard-dash at the NFL combine, he's all but assured to be shipped off to Saskatchewan, just in time to avoid the 2009 American Credit Wars. No, seriously, there will be actual violent wars. It'll be Wells Fargo tellers with guns and bombs going off in every Citigroup building known to man.*

WR Mark Dell (So.): Dell was the violent dictator responsible for over a million of deaths in Southeast Asia during the late 1970s. He escaped to Thailand after Vietnam's invasion and subsequent collapse of the Khmer Sparty Green party. Dell faked his own death in 1998 after two decades of shadow rule, again escaped (this time to East Lansing), and worked his way into the starting lineup within two years. Despite being a septegenarian former despot, Dell is lightning-fast and will not hesitate to murder an opposing defensive back on the field if he feels the coverage is too tight.

LT Rocco Cironi (Jr.): Uh... his name's Rocco... hell, I don't know, just pick some dude from the Sopranos and that's him. Except that AJ twat.

RG Roland Martin (Sr.): Poor Roland. He remembers all of them, of course, he's no animal. But he thinks about you all the time. He remembers the sweat clinging to your bodies in that motel room in Ypsilanti, the Kid Rock on the radio that you both said you hated but wouldn't turn off, and that feeling that you were both living the first day of the rest of forever. But football doesn't take time off, and neither could he, and while he says he wants you, you can't help but think that what he really wants is 2006 all over again. Time changes everyone, though; he's a starting lineman, and you have mauve armrests. So you both run, he on the field, you (more metaphorically, of course) from yourself. Both from the truth. He wouldn't even know what to say to you if he saw you on the street some day. Would you?

The doubts will always poison this, sadly, because that's what doubts do. He wonders if you'd love him if he wasn't an athlete, young and carefree. You wonder if he'd even want you if he didn't have such an intense fetish for quadriplegia.

DT Justin Kershaw (Sr.): Justin Kershaw is the team's foremost authority on the Pokemon franchise and is proud to tell anyone who will (or won't, really) listen about his acquisitions. Dantonio, understandably, would prefer his mammoth guard to engage in activities not usually eschewed by people by the time their 15th birthday rolls around, but as the coach admits, "[a]t least he'll never, ever get an STD, ever."

MLB Adam Decker (Jr.): Decker was the dominant force in the Alabama State Senate from 1993 to 1998, passing comprehensive health care reform for the uninsured and calling for tougher budget control on lotteries and other gambling measures. He was defeated, however, by Republican Mitch Connor after a News 9 investigation showed Decker had been receiving money from the controversial Gay Nazi Muslim Elitist Federation Against America. Decker was exiled to Minnesota, where he suffers to this day.

P Aaron Bates (So.): Is the team's best cross-stitcher. Once shit a squirrel; damned thing's still alive and running around the locker room.

K Brett Swenson (Jr.): Is sorry, Aaron, ate his chocolate squirrel.

And there you have it. Based on that eclectic mix of personalities, I'm just certain Iowa will win by 10 or whatever.

*Somehow nobody will be injured. If American banks can't make money, what makes you think they're at all capable of killing?