Absolut NFL Football Weekend Buffet: Brady And Manning Are As Good As It Gets

HEY NOW! Look at that. We've got a sponsor for this weekend's lineup. And it's Vodka!

Because if we're talking about tailgating, there's really nothing better than alcohol with food. As far as what kind of alcohol goes with each type of food... Well, that's another story. For instance, if you're eating Hot Pockets at 3 in the morning, you may as well wash 'em down with some lukewarm vodka you found in a Solo Cup. I think I just described my college experience, actually.

On the other hand, if you're eating Filet Mignon, a classic Vodka Martini seems perfect. Or maybe you're just eating a regular ole dinner after a long day's work? Vodka and tonic. There's a drink that goes with every type of food.

So without further ado, let's rundown this week's NFL lineup by looking at the drinking side of the tailgate. All of these should be made with Absolut Vodka, of course *ch-ching*.

THE GOLD STANDARD: A BLOODY MARY

Colts at Patriots

Blogs: Stampede Blue and Pats Pulpit

Line: Patriots by 4

Announcers (CBS):

Deciding Factor: Will Tom Brady regain the upper hand in one of the greatest rivalries in NFL history?

Hard-Hitting Analysis: The Patriots have the better team this weekend, but that never seems to matter when these two teams play. And you can call it cliche if you want, but if Peyton Manning and Tom Brady are playing, you can pretty much guarantee it's going to be a fantastic game. Certain things in life, you can just count on. Like a Bloody Mary at a tailgate, there's no need to overthink it. Just enjoy it.

Bradymanning_medium

Giants at Eagles

Blogs: Big Blue View and Bleeding Green Nation

Line: Eagles by 3

Announcers (NBC): Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth

Deciding Factor: Will Michael Vick continue to be pretty much invincible?

Hard-Hitting Analysis: Answer to the previous question: Probably. The Giants are technically 6-3, but it's the way they've looked in those losses that raises red flags. They just don't seem like a very good football team on either side of the ball. Maybe the loss to Dallas was a wakeup call, but probably not.

Bills at Bengals

Blogs: Buffalo Rumblings and Cincy Jungle

Line: Bengals by 5.5

Announcers (CBS): Gus Johnson!!!!!!

Deciding Factor: Every game Gus announces is a can't-miss at this point.

Hard-Hitting Analysis: Even without Gus, this is one of those games between bad teams that could end up being entertaining. But once you factor in the Gus effect... Well, you just know that it's going to be close. Last week we put Jags-Texans in this category because of Gus, and then this happened:

We're riding out Gus' charm until further notice.

ALWAYS A SOLID CHOICE: A WHITE RUSSIAN

Raiders at Steelers

Blogs: Silver And Black Pride and Behind The Steel Curtain

Line: Steelers by 7

Announcers (CBS): Ian Eagle, Dan Fouts

Deciding Factor: The Raiders are in first place. The Raiders are in first place.

Hard-Hitting Analysis: Before this season began I wrote an article looking back at the most insane decade in sports history, and talked about Oakland's playoff chances in 2010:

For them to leapfrog the Chargers, San Diego will have to regress at the same time Oakland jumps forward. That's possible, right? The Chargers have collapsed in the postseason for what feels like a decade straight. Eventually, that sort of thing catches up with you. And Oakland, with a new quarterback in Jason Campbell, a better defense, and a slew of players coming into their own at the same time, will improve on last year's record no matter what. So, if the Chargers regress... The Raiders should be able to make the leap over San Diego, Kansas City (a credible threat themselves), and Denver (Josh McDaniels ... LOL).

So far, all of that has happened, and the Raiders are currently sitting in first place. But they haven't exactly looked dominant. And even though they beat the Steelers last season in Pittsburgh, this weekend will be a serious moment of truth. Can they show up? They don't even have to win. But if Oakland's a serious threat to win the AFC West, they should at least be able to make this a game. And it's the Raiders, so we really have no idea what to expect here. So, stay tuned.

Texans at Jets

Blogs: Battle Red Blog and Gang Green Nation

Line: Jets by 7

Announcers (CBS): Greg Gumbel and Dan Dierdorf

Deciding Factor: The Jets have looked painfully average the past two weeks, and yet, the Jets are 7-2 and technically a Super Bowl contender this year. Sometimes, the NFL makes no sense.

Hard-Hitting Analysis: But sometimes, the NFL makes perfect sense. Because as uneven as New York has looked, it's a much better brand of "inconsistent" than Houston. When New York comes out flat, they at least compete for the entire game. That's what won them games the past two weeks. With the Texans, they just shoot themselves in the foot. Whether it's killing themselves with stupid penalties and turnovers (like last week in Jacksonville), or just inexplicably mailing in a game here and there (losses to Dallas and the Giants earlier this year), they're just a bad team. Plenty of talent, but they have no idea how to be successful. And the Jets do. Because as confusing as the NFL can seem, coaching matters. And, well... Rex Ryan > Gary Kubiak.

Kubiak_medium

HEY, IT GETS THE JOB DONE: SCREWDRIVER

Green Bay at Minnesota

Blogs: Acme Packing Company and The Daily Norseman

Line: Packers by 3

Announcers (FOX): Joe Buck and Troy Aikman

Deciding Factor: How pissed off do you think Fox is that the Vikings are terrible this year?

Hard-Hitting Analysis: I mean, they've shoehorned the Vikings into the prime slot nearly every week, and that just means that most of America has had to watch the most dysfunctional team in the league every week. This paragraph from Elizabeth Merril's Vikings piece summed things up nicely:

Here's what we know: The Vikings, preseason picks to contend for the Super Bowl, are 3-6. The relationship between Favre and Childress has been strained since last season, when Childress tried to pull Favre from the Carolina game. Childress recently got into a heated argument with receiver Percy Harvin in practice. And on Nov. 1, Childress told his team that the Vikings were cutting Moss, only Childress did it before he informed his owner, Zygi Wilf, of the move.

And that's Fox's golden goose! Then again, Joe Buck and the Vikings deserve each other.

Lions at Cowboys

Blogs: Pride Of Detroit and Blogging The Boys

Line: Cowboys by 5.5

Announcers (FOX): Kenny Albert, Daryl Johnston, and GOOOOOOSE

Deciding Factor: It's the Jon Kitna bowl! If you switched quarterbacks in this game (Shaun Hill and Jon Kitna), would either team even notice?

Hard-Hitting Analysis: Jason Garret is going to lead the Cowboys to a late-season resurgence, get hired by Jerry Jones full-time, and then become the next Norv Turner. As a Dallas fan, I know this is going to happen. I can feel it in my bones. AND I HATE IT.

But hey, he sure can throw a challenge flag. You see that wrist action? That's textbook:

Jasongarrettflagthrow_medium

via cdn.ksk.uproxx.com

Broncos at Chargers

Blogs: Mile High Report and Bolts From The Blue

Line: Chargers by 10. 10!

Announcers (ESPN): Mike Tirico, Jon Gruden, and Ron Jaworski

Deciding Factor: *checks watch* ... Yup! It's about time for the Chargers to go on a late-season run to steal the AFC West. We're two weeks away from the "Look out for San Diego!" stories, and approximately seven weeks away from their disastrous exit from the first round of the playoffs.

Hard-Hitting Analysis: Having said that, the Broncos have looked surprisingly competitive at various points this season, and what they lack in talent (that their coach gave away), they make up for with effort. It's not a ringing endorsement, because this is pro sports, where effort really only gets you so far. But on Monday, it will at least get them within seven points of the Chargers. And against a Norv Turner-coached team, sometimes that's enough to steal a win.

Browns at Jaguars

Blogs: Dawgs by Nature and Big Cat Country

Line: Jaguars by 1.5

Announcers (CBS): Bill Macatee and Rich Gannon

Deciding Factor: Is Colt McCoy the savior in Cleveland?

Hard-Hitting Analysis: Because David Garrard's definitely not the savior in Jacksonville.

Coltmccoy_medium

YOU ARE POOR: VODKA W/ SPRITE

Ravens at Panthers

Blogs: Baltimore Beatdown and Cat Scratch Reader

Line: Ravens by 10.5

Announcers (CBS): Kevin Harlan and Solomon Wilcotts

Deciding Factor: How many times will Brian St. Pierre get sacked this week?

Hard-Hitting Analysis: This game will be interesting because... Just kidding, this game won't be interesting at all. But it's still fun to watch a good team like Baltimore beat the crap out of someone, and that's what should happen in Charlotte this weekend.

Redskins at Titans

Blogs: Hogs Haven and Music City Miracles

Line: Titans by 7

Announcers (FOX): Dick Stockton, Charles Davis, Jim Mora Jr.

Deciding Factor: Can the Titans win a game they're supposed to win?

Hard-Hitting Analysis: All year long, we've treated the Titans like a contender, but so far, they've yet to put together a really dominating stretch to prove our theory correct. Then again, maybe this just means they're about to peak at the perfect time. Because God knows, if any team is ripe for an confidence-shattering ass-whooping, it's the Washington Redskins.

Redskinssign_medium

YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC: VODKA WITH GATORADE

Cardinals at Chiefs

Blogs: Revenge of the Birds and Arrowhead Pride

Line: Chiefs by 8

Announcers (FOX): Ron Pitts and John Lynch

Deciding Factor: The Chiefs have sort of come back to earth lately, huh?

Hard-Hitting Analysis: And don't look now, but the Cardinals are second in the NFC West. It's not crazy to think that 'Zona could steal the Todd Haley Bowl on the way to winning four of their last seven games, and sneaking into the playoffs at 8-8. Doesn't that feel like destiny?

Having said that, I really like these Chiefs fans.

Chiefsfans_medium

Seahawks at Saints

 

Blogs: Field Gulls and Canal Street Chronicles

Line: Saints by A MILLION

Announcers (FOX): Thom Brennaman and Brian Billick

Deciding Factor: The Saints are still in second place in their division, so this is a game that could be a little dangerous if they give it away.

Hard-Hitting Analysis: Then again, it's the Seahawks, so... They should be alright.

Falcons at Rams

Blogs: The Falcoholic and Turf Show Times

Line: Falcons by 3

Announcers (FOX): Sam Rosen, Tim Ryan

Deciding Factor: This week's winner of the Sam Rosen Sweepstakes for Most Depressing Game Of The Week... The Rams and Falcons!

Hard-Hitting Analysis: But as depressing as this game looks on the surface, Sam Bradford and Matt Ryan are two of the best young quarterbacks in football, and if things break just right, it could turn into a pretty entertaining afternoon for Ms. Rosen. Or, you know, the Falcons could beat the crap out of St. Louis, because Matt Ryan's much better than Bradford, and the Rams are still the Rams.

Bucs at 49ers

Blogs: Bucs Nation and Niners Nation

Line: Bucs by 3.5

Announcers (FOX): Chris Myers, Kurt Warner

Deciding Factor: Bucs Nation or Niners Nation! Which nation will prevail?!

Hard-Hitting Analysis: All due respect to Joe Nedney, but the rest of the nation really doesn't care.

Joenedney_medium

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