On Wednesday, Adam Schefter reported that Jets strength coach Sal Alosi, whose name seems like it should be a palindrome even though it isn't, has been indefinitely suspended by the team. Alosi is responsible for intentionally tripping a Dolphins player on Sunday, and Schefter's report backs up Zach Thomas' claim that Alosi ordered his players to form a wall on the sideline.
With this revelation, we know that Alosi's idea is somehow even dumber than we thought it was. Luckily, we have obtained a 100% fake transcript of the Jets' sideline conversation before the incident:
SAM ALOSI. Ha! Heh. Let's, um, get a giant blanket, and then put it all over the Dolphins sideline so the coaches can't see anything!
REX RYAN. What?
ALOSI. Got good ideas. Lots of good ideas. Hahaha! It'll be funny! Let's get a force field. A giant force field machine... [picks up portable heater] this is a force field machine! [makes spaceship noises]
RYAN. Put that down. Quit jackin' around... wait, who are you?
ALOSI. [prances around in circles, still making spaceship noises with heater held over head] Huh? Why, none other than Sillypants Sam Alosi, Merry Prankster of the Meadowl--
RYAN. You're fired.
ALOSI. [hangs head, makes quieter spaceship noises, shuffles away]
* * *
ALOSI. [trudges to other end of sideline] bzzzzzzzzzz...
MARCUS DIXON. I think that's the saddest spaceship I've ever heard!
ALOSI. No I'm... no it's not!
DIXON. What are you doing with that heater?
ALOSI. Force field. [sets down heater] Star Wars. Hey! Hey, you want to play a prank? Let's play a neat prank!
DIXON. No, uh, that's all right. I'm busy with this, uh... [gestures toward crutch under shoulder] this.
ALOSI. How did you hurt yourself? Did you fall off a mountain?
DIXON. Yes. Yes, I fell off a mountain.
ALOSI. In my opinion, the biggest mountain is Mount Everest.
DIXON. All right.
ALOSI. Come on, let's play a prank!
ALOSI. I'm a coach! I'm your boss!
DIXON. [stares, then shakes head] Yeah, okay.
ALOSI. Here, stand like this! Like I'm doing! Right next to the sideline!
ALOSI. Because I'm going to trip the guy with the ball!
DIXON. The guy with the ball is who the camera will be pointing at. The camera sends a signal to a broadcast station, which then broadcasts the signal to millions of people.
ALOSI. [stares, smiling widely]
DIXON. It's against the rules to trip people.
ALOSI. Hawwww! [sticks out leg, trips ball carrier]
RYAN. What the Hell is happening over there?
ALOSI. I'm... I... [crawls under bench, drags over kicker's practice net] I'm... making a fort!!!
RYAN. I'm calling security.
ALOSI. Do you want to be the commander of my fort!
RYAN. You think I'm f***ing around?
ALOSI. Well, you can't!