Football Guys: If Internet Commenters Ran The NFL

Today in the official unofficial chat room of the NFL, an Internet commenter is allowed to be commissioner for a day. This will end well.

NFL fans on the Internet are extremely diverse in terms of background, opinion, disposition, what they expect out of the game, their reasons for loving the game ... it's beautiful, really. Every day, NFL fans have fun discussing and debating without ever growing hostile or dismissive.

And then there's Guy From The Internet. You know this guy. Might be a man, woman, young, old, whatever. Guy From The Internet dabbles in racist code language, subscribes to talking points broadcast by beer commercials, is willfully obtuse regarding matters large and small, and can usually be found responding to three-year-old "Should Plaxico Burress go to jail?" blog posts with, "YES. HE IS A THUG AND A COWARD. PUNK."

In today's installment of Football Guys, Guy From The Internet is allowed to serve as the NFL's commissioner for a day. Let's see what happens!

  **Online Host**
Welcome to Football Guys Chat!

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

DudeYoureGettingGoodell: and the winner of the contest is

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 

DudeYoureGettingGoodell: /opens envelope

"Dear Roger Goodell, I am LeBron James and I was wondering if"

sorry wrong letter

/crumples up paper, throws over shoulder

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 

 DudeYoureGettingGoodell: /pulls envelope out of suit pocket

/opens

"Dear Roger Goodell, I am David Stern, give me all your money or I will lockout you"

oh for the love of

/crumples up paper, throws over shoulder

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 DudeYoureGettingGoodell: okay well anyway, the winner of our contest is...

Guy on the Internet! Congratulations, Guy on the Internet!

Internet_medium

GuyOnTheInternet: WIN! A winnar is me! Losing a contest FAIL

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

DudeYoureGettingGoodell: since 2002 we have poured billions of dollars into a "THIS IS NOT A JOKE, CLICK TO WIN" internet ad campaign

you are the only person to ever click it, congratulations

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 DudeYoureGettingGoodell: as a reward, we will allow you to act as commissioner for a day and be granted unlimited administrative authority

Internet_medium

 GuyOnTheInternet: "Respect My Authority" - A qoute from southpark

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 DudeYoureGettingGoodell: Right then. It's all yours.

Internet_medium

 GuyOnTheInternet: For my first act, I will start Tim Tebow in Denver. Kyle Orton is a FRAUD and CHOKE ARTIST who doesn't belong in the league

Internet_medium

 GuyOnTheInternet: Someone needs to tell Orton that it's the National Football League and not the No Fun League. It's pandemonium in Denver.

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 DudeYoureGettingGoodell: okay well, you're the boss

Internet_medium

 GuyOnTheInternet: If these MILLIONAIRE CRYBABIES don't want to PUT UP then they should SHUT UP

Internet_medium

 GuyOnTheInternet: I'm not going to PLUNK DOWN my HARD EARNED DOLLARS so that these CLOWNS can

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 DudeYoureGettingGoodell: ok, so far you have used the word "pandemonium" and the phrase "plunk down my hard earned dollars"

are you from like 1965

   **OnlineHost** Michael Vick has entered the chat room.

Michaelvick_medium_medium

User183835: /roll
   **OnlineHost** Michael Vick has rolled an 8.

Michaelvick_medium_medium

 User183835: /roll
   **OnlineHost** Michael Vick has rolled a 3.

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 DudeYoureGettingGoodell: mike

mike what are you doing

Michaelvick_medium_medium

 User183835: Rolling dice

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 DudeYoureGettingGoodell: what for

Michaelvick_medium_medium

  User183835: Bored

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 DudeYoureGettingGoodell: i see that you still have not set up your personal chat room account

you know, after registering an account you will have your own personalized screen name, as well as access to features such as--

Michaelvick_medium_medium

 User183835: F*** off

/roll

    **OnlineHost** Michael Vick has rolled a 5.

Internet_medium

 GuyOnTheInternet: who are you

Michaelvick_medium_medium

 User183835: A black guy

Internet_medium

 GuyOnTheInternet: are you a skill position player who is not Ronnie Lott

Michaelvick_medium_medium

 User183835: Yep

Internet_medium

  GuyOnTheInternet: /inhales

Internet_medium

  GuyOnTheInternet: FRAUD FRAUD FRAUD FRAUD FRAUD FRAUD THUG FRAUD PUNK FRAUD CLOWN PUNK THUG FRAUD JOKE FRAUD CLOWN PUNK FRAUD JOKE FRAUD DISGRACE CLOWN JOKE FRAUD THUG

Internet_medium

 GuyOnTheInternet: /catches breath

/inhales

Internet_medium

 GuyOnTheInternet: PUNKTHUG FRAUDDISGRACE JOKECLOWN

CLOWNFRAUD THUGJOKE

S***VERBING F***NOUN

Michaelvick_medium_medium

 User183835: /roll
   **OnlineHost** Michael Vick has rolled an 11.

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 DudeYoureGettingGoodell: mike you might want to leave, you're upsetting our moron contest winner

Michaelvick_medium_medium

  User183835:Haha

Hey

Hey look at me

Hey look I'm a black guy in a position of leadership ooooh i'm gonna get you oogie boogie boogie

Internet_medium

  GuyOnTheInternet: AAAAAAAAAAHH
   **OnlineHost** Hours later...

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 DudeYoureGettingGoodell: okay, well, here are the orders from our commissioner-for-a-day. the following policies are to be put into action immediately:

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 DudeYoureGettingGoodell:

- start Tim Tebow
- make Michael Vick live in the bottom of a well and eat stale graham crackers

Michaelvick_medium_medium

 User183835: Shrug

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

DudeYoureGettingGoodell:

- make players play the game the right way
- caution players against playing the game the wrong way, lest penalties be exacted

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 

DudeYoureGettingGoodell:

- stop paying the CRYBABY PLAYERS millions of dollars
- stop paying the GREEDY OWNERS millions of dollars

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 

DudeYoureGettingGoodell: So uh, I guess this means we just throw all the revenue in a giant hole and burn it

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 

DudeYoureGettingGoodell:

- form official committee and commission it to investigate whether or not the difference is drinkability

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 
 

DudeYoureGettingGoodell:

- someone please help poor Jim Mora down from that ceiling fan and then get scientists to return him to normal size

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 

DudeYoureGettingGoodell: okay, see, that was a commercial

Internet_medium

 GuyOnTheInternet: SOMEONE HELP that POOR MAN, he's been through so much and he doesn't deserve this

he taught his players HEART and INTEGRITY and he's a Christian probably

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 DudeYoureGettingGoodell: very well

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 DudeYoureGettingGoodell: aaaaand next on the list is like 30,000 items that just say "so-called sportswriter" and "check your facts" and "liberal agenda" and "who cares?" and "how is this news?" and "i can't believe you're PAID to write this NONSENSE"

Internet_medium

 GuyOnTheInternet: /nods

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 DudeYoureGettingGoodell: and last of all:

- everyone is to stop being sissies and faking concussions and play the game the way it's meant to be played

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

 

 DudeYoureGettingGoodell: sigh. all right

these policies shall be enacted... NOW!

   **OnlineHost** Every NFL stadium has caught fire and burnt to the ground.
   **OnlineHost** Every NFL player has suffered an anvil to the head.
    **OnlineHost** Every officially-licensed NFL football has hatched into a carnivorous dinosaur.
   **OnlineHost** The government has gathered everyone who has ever had anything to do with football and shot them into space.

Rogergoodell_medium_medium

DudeYoureGettingGoodell: welp

Internet_medium

 GuyOnTheInternet: thanks a lot, OBAMACARE

Football Guys is a spinoff of The Dugout, a baseball-oriented series of cussy chat room conversations created in 2004 by Jon Bois, Brandon Stroud, and Nick Dallamora. You can read the latest installments of The Dugout at With Leather.

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