Football Guys: The Raiders Acquire Carson Palmer For Every Draft Pick Ever And A Million Billion Dollars

On Tuesday, the Oakland Raiders traded away a first-round pick for Carson Palmer, who is maybe like the 14th-best quarterback in the league. In today's Football Guys, the franchise turns to a new, already-scribbled-on page.

Big development  this week: the Oakland Raiders have managed to wrest quarterback Carson Palmer from the clutches of the Cincinnati Bengals, but they have given up a first-round draft pick to do so.

Big development last week: over at This Is My Next, Joshua Topolsky experimented with Siri, Apple's new iOS feature, and found that it will make jokes, pithily dismiss other jokes, and suggest places to hide corpses, of all things. It looks like pretty much the greatest thing ever, and we are now a warp core, a Holodeck, and an over-emphasis of an half-robotic character away from living in Star Trek.

Both of these matters are discussed in today's Football Guys chat room. Synergy!

  **Online Host**
Welcome to Oakland Raiders Chat!

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: Bad news everyone, Jason Campbell is out for the season.

Terrellepryor_medium

 TerrelleGhostbusters: oh no what happened

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: He fell inside of a volcano.

Terrellepryor_medium

  TerrelleGhostbusters: volcanoes are no joke, i once made one with bakin' pop and vinegar

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: Did you just

What did you just call "baking soda"

Terrellepryor_medium

 TerrelleGhostbusters: bakin' pop

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: /pencils Terrelle Pryor four spots lower on depth chart

Terrellepryor_medium

 TerrelleGhostbusters: oh come on there's no way we have 13 quarterbacks on the roster

Huejackson_medium

  HueJackCity: Uh yeah, we had Jason Campbell, then Kyle Boller, then six jack-o-lanterns

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: Now it is Kyle Boller, then seven jack-o-lanterns, then you, then a dozen of those tiny pumpkins that are too small to carve so you pretty much just have to draw on them with markers instead

Terrellepryor_medium

 TerrelleGhostbusters: yeah but you haven't given me a chance

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: Yes we have. The one major critique I have with your game is that upon receiving the snap, you pump-fake over and over whlie just running to the locker room and putting it in your locker along with every other football we have tried to play scrimmage with.

Terrellepryor_medium

 TerrelleGhostbusters: don't see why i can't, the dentist lets me keep the sunglasses i have to wear when i have to go to the dentist

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: But, no, you

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: OK well that's a fair point, but
   **SIRI**
Searching for nearest dentist...
    **SIRI**
There are no dentists in OAKLAND, CA

Huejackson_medium

HueJackCity: well yeah i'm sure if there was ever a dentist in Oakland then Al Davis would have gone there, did you ever look at his--

wait, who said that

Terrellepryor_medium

  TerrelleGhostbusters: it's Siri, coach! came along with this fancy new iPhone i got!

it's going to be part of my halloween costume

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: What costume?

Terrellepryor_medium

  TerrelleGhostbusters: young black person who is well-paid and uses his money to buy nice things
Kyleboller_medium  WANNABEABALLER: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: Okay so what is Siri though
    **SIRI**
The latest craze!!!!!

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: I love crazes

Nice to meet you, craze

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: You aren't a techno-craze, are you
   **SIRI**
I am a techno-craze!

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: omg omg omg OMG

Huejackson_medium

HueJackCity: ok so uh

ok so Siri, what should we do about the quarterback situation

   **SIRI**
Are you looking for FREE AGENT QUARTERBACKS?
 

 **SIRI**
The following FREE AGENT QUARTERBACKS are available:

Jake Delhomme
Trent Edwards
J.P. Losman
Josh McCown
Patrick Ramsey
J.T. O'Sullivan
Jim Sorgi
Kellen Clemens
Brodie Croyle
Todd Collins
Chris Simms
Brett Ratliff
Charlie Frye
Troy Smith
Hunter Cantwell
Keith Null
Brian St. Pierre
Brian Brohm
Rhett Bomar
Dan LeFevour

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: lol oh God stop, this is basically 2005: The List

 

   **SIRI**
Okay, then. Do you want to trade for a quarterback?

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: Yeah, who's available?

 

   **SIRI**
CARSON PALMER is available, but he will be very difficult to trade for because of the ongoing situation involving Bengals owner Mike--

Huejackson_medium

  HueJackCity: ok fine, I've heard of him, who do I have to trade away
   **SIRI**
A first-round draft pick, a million billion dollars, everyone on your team, the contents of your pockets, a musical instrument crudely fashioned from the skeleton of Jim Thorpe so that Mike Brown may compose an anthem that will resurrect the--

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: OK yes fine, whatever, next question. Siri, do you think that so-called "smart phones" are the "wave of the future" or the next "dot-com disaster"?
    **SIRI**
It seems as though smartphones are here to stay. And you can take that to the bank -- er, the E-bank, that is!

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: the e-bank?

what

OH

OMG IT'S MAKING JOKES ABOUT ONLINE BANKING

I'VE SEEN COMMERCIALS ABOUT THAT

Terrellepryor_medium

 TerrelleGhostbusters: Coach could I please have my phone back

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: NO

Huejackson_medium

  HueJackCity: Siri, I have a lot of folks who I would like to email but I keep forgetting what their email addresses are, what should I do
   **SIRI**
Try creating an "address book." That way, you can search for contacts by name when you'd like to email them. Best of all, most email services offer this feature for free!

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: o

m

g

you are so smart

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: Siri, do you think that it is important to keep up with the latest tech gizmos in an increasingly dot-com world
    **SIRI**
I think that it is very important!

Terrellepryor_medium

 TerrelleGhostbusters: Coach

Coach, seriously, you have totally messed up our team, now Fred from Scooby-Doo is our starting quarterback and you have mortgaged away our long-term future

   **SIRI**
Searching for people who give a s*** about the Raiders' long-term future...

Huejackson_medium

 HueJackCity: Siri I beat Solitaire and now cards are going every which way and that, I fear I may have burst the dot-com bubble, please advise

Football Guys is a spinoff of The Dugout, a baseball-oriented series of cussy chat room conversations created in 2004 by Jon Bois, Brandon Stroud, and Nick Dallamora. You can read the latest installments of The Dugout at With Leather.

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