Football Guys: Arian Foster Analyzes Modern Traffic Infrastructure

This week, the Texans' Arian Foster tweeted that he didn't understand traffic: 'Barring an accident, if everyone just goes, there shouldn't be a problem.' We attempt to get to the bottom of this in the newest installment of Football Guys.

Houston Texans running back Arian Foster, who led the NFL in rushing last season, recovered from a hamstring injury to put together a great game on Sunday. Coincidentally, it was the same game in which the Texans' star receiver, Andre Johnson, was lost for several weeks with a leg injury of his own. And with fellow running back Ben Tate suffering a minor injury of his own, Foster's effectiveness on the ground figures to be critical to the 3-1 Texans' success.

That's it! That's all the football analysis you're getting! On to more important matters, such as something tweeted this week by Mr. Foster himself:

I really don't understand traffic. Barring an accident, if everyone just goes, there shouldn't be a problem.

This is the subject of today's installment of Football Guys. Take notes.

 

  **Online Host**
Welcome to Houston Texans Chat!

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51:  OK you guys, I've had just about enough of this traffic. How does it work? How does traffic congestion happen?

Mattschaub_medium

 IGoToWorkAtMattSchaub: Well, accidents happen all the time. That's the main cause of traffic.

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51:  Right, yes, of course. But there tends to be heavy traffic congestion even when there aren't any accidents to speak of.

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51:  As such, I asked each of you to propose a solution. Together we can build a smarter planet.

Bentate_medium

 OnBenTateKnee:  OK now you're sounding like those weird IBM commercials that aren't actually trying to get you to buy anything

Arianfoster_medium

  Arian51: No, they're trying to sell IBM products.

Bentate_medium

 OnBenTateKnee:  what the hell does IBM even make anymore

Bentate_medium

 OnBenTateKnee:  probably lawnmowers

Arianfoster_medium

Arian51:  All right, well, if we could just--

Bentate_medium

  OnBenTateKnee:  what would be a weirder lawnmower brand? IBM or texas instruments?

or wait, a store-brand lawnmower would be pretty far out there

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51:  Yes well let's--

Bentate_medium

  OnBenTateKnee:  if H&R Block made a lawnmower i would shit myself

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51:  YES THANK YOU, that will be all, you are attempting to depart on a tangent from my conversation, which is already a huge tangent to begin with, please be quiet

Bentate_medium

 OnBenTateKnee: hidden valley

ok i'm done sorry

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51:  Yes, so I collected submissions from everyone on the roster. I will announce these traffic-improvement initiatives anonymously so as not to hurt anyone's feelings, because some of them are real dumb.

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51:  Idea number one:

/fishes random piece of paper from shoebox, unfolds, clears throat

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51:  "We just pave a road from everyone's house to everyone else's house. If the roads ever cross, we would just build a bridge over the other road."

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51: This is a neat idea, but is probably not tenable given our current infrastructure. This is a nation of grids, and to gum up the works with a glut of diagonal overpasses, even if we had such resources, would present far too many problems for it to be a viable option.

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51: Idea number two.

"Why don't we all just live and do everything in the same giant building so we don't have to drive anywhere?"

Arianfoster_medium

Arian51: I believe what you are describing is an "arcology" -- a single structure designed so that millions of people can live and work inside of it.

 

These are commonly described in works of science fiction, the idea being that someone could conceivably live an entire life without ever leaving his or her arcology.

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51: /holds paper aloft

I like this idea. It isn't perfect, but it's daring. Innovative. These are the sorts of solutions I'm looking for.

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51: Idea number three, okay this is...

okay this is a drawing of a guy's ding-dong

/wads up, throws away

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51: Idea number four:

"Put a really huge car at the back of every road that can push every other car forward in case of gridlock"

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51: Well, it certainly is a creative idea, but one would assume it would result in body damage to untold numbers of vehicles. Not to mention injuries that could result...

Bentate_medium

 OnBenTateKnee: hahaha wait does he seriously not get that we're screwing with him

Mattschaub_medium

IGoToWorkAtMattSchaub: lol i guess not

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51: Idea number five:

"TRAPPED IN TRAFFIC IDEA FACTORY, PLEASE ALERT THE POLICE"

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51: Oh dear!
   **OnlineHost** An hour later...

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51: Idea number 31:

"No more merging. Every time there's an expressway onramp, just add another lane."

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51: Hey, I'm with you! I hate merging too. One issue that presents itself immediately, though, is that expressways would be 10,000 lanes wide. Which is probably wider than we could ever need.

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51: Idea number 32:

"Tell Hollywood to stop making movies about traffic, such as Crash and Traffic. They only help to encourage reckless traffic-being-in."

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51: Well I don't really know if that's true.

Bentate_medium

 OnBenTateKnee: agh he's just so damn earnest

Mattschaub_medium

 IGoToWorkAtMattSchaub: do we say anything? can we tell him to just stop already?

Bentate_medium

 OnBenTateKnee: i think that would just be awkward at this point
   **Online Host** Another hour later...

Arianfoster_medium

  Arian51: Idea number 46:

"Tell Jesus to just reach down with His giant hand and pick people up and take them where they want to go."

Arianfoster_medium

  Arian51: Let's please try to keep our traffic infrastructure solutions inclusive to all belief systems.

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51: Idea number 47:

"Make it so cars can go through other cars like ghosts."

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51: /bows, rubs bridge of nose

Okay, one problem with this: would the drivers and passengers also need to be ghosts? This is one of many, many problems with this... look. I know you guys are trying, but these are not solutions for a smarter planet.

   **OnlineHost** Gary Kubiak has entered the chat room.

Garykubiak_medium

 StanleyKubiak: uh hey guys, we've got a game coming up on sunday, kind of a big game

Garykubiak_medium

 StanleyKubiak: do you think it would be a good job to actually talk about football ever

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51: What

Arianfoster_medium

 Arian51: No

Football Guys is a spinoff of The Dugout, a baseball-oriented series of cussy chat room conversations created in 2004 by Jon Bois, Brandon Stroud, and Nick Dallamora. You can read the latest installments of The Dugout at With Leather.

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