DETROIT - DECEMBER 12: Aaron Rogers #12 of the Green Bay Packers rolls out to pass as Chad Clifton #76 of the Green Bay Packers blocks Turk McBride #75 of the Detroit lions during the second quarter of the game against the Detroit Lions at Ford Field on December 12 2010 in Detroit Michigan. (Photo by Leon Halip/Getty Images)

140 To Go: Ranking, And Previewing, Every Remaining NFL Game

There are exactly 140 games remaining in the NFL's regular season. Here, we intend to rank each one in terms of most exciting and intriguing, to most boring and unwatchable. Join us as we update this StoryStream throughout the day.

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The 10 Worst Remaining Games On The NFL's Schedule

At long last, we're here: the 10 worst games remaining after Week 8 of the 2011 NFL schedule. Be warned, for here be Colts, Cardinals, and Rams.

131. Atlanta at Indianapolis (Week 9)
At 0-8, the Colts are not yet out of the playoffs. If the Texans go 2-6 down the stretch, the Titans go 3-6, and the Colts run the table, they're in! Math!

Winner: Falcons.

132. Indianapolis at Jacksonville (Week 17)
When you're the 2011 Colts, any schedule is a tough schedule. But, look: we could conceivably see the Colts having a chance of beating the Jaguars (Week 10) and the Panthers (Week 12). After that, they face the Patriots, Ravens, Titans, and Houston; I would give the Colts 5-to-1 odds at winning even one of those. But on the final week of the season, they face the not-very-good Jaguars again. 

Just try and conceive of the idea of a team losing 15 total games through a five-year stretch (2005-09), and two years later, losing 16 in a single season. Never mind that an 0-16 record would only be the second in NFL history.

Winner: Colts.

133. Buffalo at Miami (Week 11)
The Bills still get to play the Dolphins twice. That's fortunate for Buffalo, but the Dolphins are not the worst 0-7 team there's ever been. If you're in a tight, three-team division race, dropping even one game to a floundering division rival would be a huge blow.

Winner: Bills.

134. Miami at Kansas City (Week 9)
The Chiefs, should they somehow find themselves capable of it, should try and beat the Dolphins by seven touchdowns so that they can reset their 2011 point differential. If they do that, they stand at 5-3 and maintain the AFC West lead, and the first two weeks NEVER HAPPENED.

Winner: Chiefs.

135. Washington at Miami (Week 10)
This might be the Redskins' last opportunity to play in weather that isn't completely ass-horrible.

Winner: Dolphins.

136. Seattle at Dallas (Week 9)
Sigh. No. There is no way I can even try to spin this without insulting you. I mean, it's a football game between a couple of teams that are not terribly horrible. Watch it if nothing else is on (note: other things are on).

Winner: Cowboys.

137. St. Louis at Cleveland (Week 10)
nope

Winner: Rams, for some reason

138. Arizona at St. Louis (Week 12)
not participating

Winner: Cardinals.

139. Seattle at St. Louis (Week 11)
augh

Winner: Seahawks.

140. St. Louis at Arizona (Week 9)
And here it is! The Worst Remaining Game In The 2011 NFL Season! Just last season, the NFC West was a fun little glop of mediocre-to-bad teams, all four of whom had a fighting chance at a division title. This year, the 49ers have ruined that science experiment, and this is what we have left: a battle between a bad team and an abysmal team, both of whom are almost mathematically eliminated from the playoffs in Week 8.

Thank you for following along with this obscenely information ranking of all 140 remaining NFL games on the schedule. Before we go, here's a look at some match-ups that some of SB Nation's team bloggers find particularly interesting, for one reason or another:

Jacksonville at Atlanta (Week 15, Thursday night)
From Alfie Crow at Big Cat Country:

The most interesting match up remaining on the Jacksonville Jaguars schedule is their Thursday Night match up with the Atlanta Falcons. The Falcons are coached by former Jaguars defensive coordinator Mike Smith, who left the Jaguars after the 2007 season to take the Falcons job. This will be the first regular season meeting between the two teams and quite a few Jaguars fans still lament the fact that Mike Smith went on to be successful in Atlanta while the Jaguars defense faltered the next three seasons.

NY Jets at Miami (Week 17)
From John Butchko at SB Nation New York:

Jets-Dolphins game could potentially have a strange twist. It is entirely possible the game could be the difference between the Jets making and missing the playoffs. It also could be the difference between the Dolphins finishing with the worst record in the league or not. This could very well mean that a loss would mean the Jets' season ends a lot earlier than hoped, but a win would mean having to play Andrew Luck twice for the next fifteen seasons.

Miami at Dallas (Week 12, Thanksgiving)
From our Dolphins blog, The Phinsider:

This game is going to be interesting for the Dolphins because it's a nationally televised game.  The Dolphins are on Thanksgiving against the Cowboys.  Miami is in the middle of a horrible season, as everyone knows, but this could deflect some of the criticism.  No one seems to notice that the Dolphins have done well in staying in games, and going toe-to-toe with their opponents - they just fall apart at the end of the games.

The Dolphins have played the Patriots, Texans, Chargers, Jets, and Giants, all teams that are expected to go to the playoffs this season - marking 5 of Miami's 7 losses. While the team is losing - and deservedly so - they always have the chance to right this thing.  It might be too late for any real meaning in 2011 - but a game against a struggling Cowboys team - especially if Tony Romo comes out as the bad Romo - could be great for the Dolphins in front of the nation.

Baltimore at Seattle (Week 10)
From Danny Kelly at Field Gulls:

The Seahawks are mired in what's turning out to be a "lost season." They're in the NFC West, so on a national level none of their divisional games are all that interesting - the Rams are awful, the Cardinals are awful, the Seahawks are awful, and the 49ers are in firm control. No one wants to watch a couple hyenas fight over the scraps of a dead carcass. The Seahawks' non-divisional games, for the most part, are equally un-scintillating to the average American. Almost as boring as, say, matching up the Jacksonville Jaguars and Baltimore Ravens for a Monday night game. Oh wait. Before Baltimore lost to the Jaguars on national television and needed a record-setting comeback to beat the Cardinals, I would have told you that this matchup looks ghastly for the home team, but the Ravens/Seahawks just might be something to look forward to. 

The Hawks have a burgeoning defense centered around stopping the run. Joe Flacco has proven to be inconsistent and can be rattled. You really never know what you'll get from the Seahawks offense but there are weapons in Sidney Rice, Zach Miller, and the precocious Doug Baldwin. If the Hawks could shut down Ray Rice and the Ravens rushing attack, things could get interesting. Also, there's always the outside chance we'll get to witness Ray Lewis do his dance. You have to enjoy the little things out here in Seattle. 

New England at Washington (Week 14)
From Kevin Ewoldt at Hogs Haven:

The hated return of Haynesworth to Fedex Field. He's kind of a non-factor but probably will play. I can't imagine the boos if he records a sack. You better believe he'll be giving his best effort.

Baltimore at San Diego (Week 15, Sunday night)
From our Ravens blog, Baltimore Beatdown:

The Ravens head to sunny SoCal in a prime-time match-up which might be a prelude to the postseason. Baltimore is pretty awful on the road in prime-time (See Jacksonville game - ouch!), but in order to make it to the Big Game, they will have to beat the best. By the time this game rolls around, the other pretenders in the AFC West will have drifted comfortably to sleep and the Chargers should be on their way to the division title. 

The Ravens will not only have to fight the Pittsburgh Steelers for the AFC North crown but it is also beginning to look like the Cincinnati Bengals are not going away anytime soon. Sounds like a great choice by the prime-time schedule-makers... for a change!

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Ranking NFL Games 121-130, As Previewed By A Postal Service Employee In The Pre-Internet Age Who Is A Huge Jerk

As noted, the rest of this list will be ranked by special guest previewers. Please enjoy the 61st through 70th most interesting games remaining in the NFL season, and please welcome our special guest, A Postal Service Employee In The Pre-Internet Age Who Is A Huge Jerk.

121. NY Jets at Miami (Week 17)
All right, it's 3 o'clock and I am exhausted. I ain't delivering the rest of this mail. I think there's a sewer manhole off on Jefferson Street where I can dump all this stuff. Don't trains run from New York to Miami? They're only sending letters because they're too lazy to actually go down there. Yep, it's Miller time.

Winner: Jets.

122. Houston at Indianapolis (Week 16, Thursday night)
"PRIORITY MAIL -- MUST BE DELIVERED THURSDAY, DECEMBER 22nd." Ah, crap, it's already Friday. Welp, this letter never happened.

Winner: Texans.

123. Seattle at Chicago (Week 15)
The TO CHICAGO bin is like 20 feet away. Maybe I can just throw it. Nope, probably should have wadded it up first. Looks like it landed in the TO DENVER bin. Eh. They know how to read in Denver, too. People love having shit to read, right? Win-win.

Winner: Seahawks.

124. Miami at Buffalo (Week 15)
Bills, huh? Nobody likes to get a bill in the mail. Nobody likes to deliver them, either. [writes "NOT PAYING YOUR BILL, KNUCKLEHEADS" on front of envelope, files in RETURN TO SENDER bin]

Winner: Bills.

125. Cincinnati at St. Louis (Week 15)
What incentive do I even have to deliver this mail? I can seriously throw it out the window of the truck right now and it would just be "lost in the mail." It's 1953. They have absolutely no way to track this crap. Yep, gonna do that.

Winner: Bengals.

126. Tennessee at Indianapolis (Week 15)
Oh man, I've been working for like 40 minutes now. I need a smoke. [shakes package, opens it, finds letter]

"Dear Son,

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I feel intense regret that we have not spoken since you left home. You are a man now, and I only now have come to realize that. I am proud of you, and I am sorry for being cross with you.

Should you even want to see me, I would love to pay a visit. In the meantime, as a token of our bond, please accept these cigars"--

OH HELL YES THANK YOU GOD [digs through package, smokes cigar]

Winner: Titans.

127. St. Louis at San Francisco (Week 13)
Oh man, this smells good. [opens package] Cookies! All right! [munches on cookies while reading accompanying letter]

"My dearest family,

I believe I am in the winter of my life, or so the doctor says. I hope I will be able to write you again, but just in case, I wanted to bake you one last batch of my oatmeal cookies. I hope they survive the journey. I know how much you loved them, and I hope that as you enjoy them, you are not filled with sadness, but"--

I ain't, lady. You weren't kidding, either. These cookies are AMAZING. Umph. GOD these are good.

Winner: 49ers.

128. Miami at Dallas (Week 12, Thanksgiving)
All right, I'm bored. You still got that "Letters To Santa" bag in your truck? I was thinking about responding to some of 'em, tellin' the kids to just go to the store and steal something they want and I'll pay 'em back later. Again, basically impossible for anyone to pin this on me.

Winner: Cowboys.

129. Cleveland at Arizona (Week 15)
Oh, hey, this box goes to the same address as the return address from the letter to Santa that just asked for a Nintendo 26 times. This had better be a Nintendo. [opens package]

YES. Welp, that Atari is gonna have to tide you over for another year, kid. 

Winner: Browns.

130. San Francisco at St. Louis (Week 17)
Oh hey, this is a letter back from the cookie people I guess.

Dear Sir, thank you for making appropriate arrangements. Please request that the local newspaper add this to her obituary: "she was a terrific person of many talents, but perhaps most of all, we will miss her baking. Her cookies reminded us of" -- blah blah blah, thought you were a birthday card, thanks for nothing

[naps]

Winner: 49ers.

Stay tuned to this StoryStream for the rest of the rankings.

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Ranking NFL Games 111-120, As Previewed By A Guy At A Casino Who Has Seen Movies About Poker But Never Actually Played Poker

As noted, the rest of this list will be ranked by special guest previewers. Please enjoy the 61st through 70th most interesting games remaining in the NFL season, and please welcome our special guest, A Guy Playing Poker At A Casino Who Has Seen Movies About Poker But Has Never Actually Played Poker.

111. Arizona at Philadelphia (Week 10)
Texas Hold 'Em's the game, huh? Ah yes. That's just my game. You know, Hold 'Em can break even the toughest professionals. Some of 'em can't handle the swings. Don't mean to rattle you guys, but... hey, let's have some fun. I'll splash around. Deal me in.

Oh. You already dealt me in, just because I'm sitting here? Okay.

Oh. Okay, what's a small blind? I mean, uh, what's the small blind?

Winner: Eagles.

112. Arizona at Cincinnati (Week 16)
That's the small blind? Well, that doesn't seem right. I shouldn't have to put in any chips if I don't want to. Okay, everyone, fine! Sorry! Just havin' a little fun... just a cat playin' with a mouse... heh...

Winner: Cardinals.

113. Denver at Minnesota (Week 13)
You know, there's a little sayin'... there's a sucker at every table. And if you can't figure out who the sucker is within 30 minutes... you are the sucker. Heh.

[takes two hole cards, fans them in front of his face] 

Winner: Vikings.

114. Cleveland at Arizona (Week 15)
You raised it to... is that 10? Um. Okay I'm not going to raise it to that much. Flop us, dealer!

Wait, I have to call 10 to stay in the hand? Wait... hey, I ain't exactly a babe in the woods here. You're trying to trick me! This is some sort of riverboat bandit robber thief game!

Oh my God okay sorry, no need to call security, I am really really sorry. I'm really sorry, everybody. Sorry.

Winner: Cardinals.

115. Jacksonville at Indianapolis (Week 10)
Hmm. [squints at person who raised to 10) What you got, cowboy? You got aces? Hey, I don't mean to rattle ya.

I will fold... [person makes no visible gestures] ...ha. Buddy, I can read you like a book. You couldn't wait for me to fold, could you? Well, nevermind that. I'm raising. I bet the pot.

Hey, what? No, I wasn't actually folding. I was using poker tricks! Hey! That's... no, I don't fold. "Verbal is binding"? Nobody told me that! This game is... idiot! This game is for idiots!

Okay no, seriously, I'm really sorry, sir. I'll stop. No, really, I'm really sorry. I just play poker differently where I'm from.

Where? Oh, uh... [tries to remember name of fake casino in his cell phone poker game] Uh, Pokersoft Casino.

Winner: Jaguars.

116. Philadelphia at Miami (Week 14)
Okay. So now I'm the "dealer" but I don't actually have to deal the cards? Ah yes, treated like a king. Oh yes, ma'am, I would like a "cocktail." [looks around table] You know what? Give me a whiskey on the house. Or, I mean, when there's ice in it. Yes! Whiskey in the rocks. Whiskey on the rocks.

Winner: Eagles.

117. Baltimore at Seattle (Week 10)
[is dealt 7 and 2 of spades]

[flop comes spade, club, 2 of diamonds]

[turn is a spade]

[river is a spade]

I'm all in. Can I just show my cards now! Okay! Pair of 2s. Read. Em. And. Weep. ...oh, you have three 8s. Sigh...

Wait, I

Wait, did I win?

I GOT A FLUSH! That's... 60 bucks? [hyperventilates]

Winner: Ravens.

118. Seattle at Arizona (Week 17)
Ha. Mess with the bull and get the horns. Let me offer y'all a little tip: you can only lose what you put in the middle. Read the man, not the cards.

You know, life is like a game of cards. Sometimes you get a flop, m'man, and sometimes you gotta fold. You make yourself a house of cards, m'man, it's allllll gonna come crumblin' down.

Does anyone have a pen and paper handy? Got card game life metaphors I gotta write down.

Winner: Seahawks.

119. Philadelphia at Seattle (Week 13, Thursday night)
[is dealt pair of 9s]

[limps into pot, calls until the river]

[strong flush and straight draws on table]

[four other players go all in]

[goes all in with pocket 9s]

[loses entire stack]

Winner: Eagles.

120. Oakland at Miami (Week 13)
[wandering in daze around slot machine room] Ah God. Ahhhhhh God. I should have just left when I was up. I should have just done that. I could have been eating combo meals at Wendy's every day for weeks!

In the poker game of life, that poker game was the...

I feel just like Matt Rounders.

Winner: Dolphins.

Stay tuned to this StoryStream for the rest of the rankings.

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Ranking NFL Games 101-110, As Previewed By A Galumphing, Indecisive Couple At A Blockbuster Video In 2006

As noted, the rest of this list will be ranked by special guest previewers. Please enjoy the 101st through 110th most interesting games remaining in the NFL season, and please welcome our special guest, A Galumphing, Indecisive Couple At A Blockbuster Video In 2006.

101. Dallas at Arizona (Week 13)
Well, I was thinking that maybe Wicker Man might be out already. Wicker Man seems like it would be a pretty good movie, heard it was pretty good.

Winner: Cardinals.

102. San Francisco at Washington (Week 9)
Yes, sir, 'scuse us, I was wondering whether you have Wicker Man on video. OK thank you. Hmm. Well I don't know if it's one word or two. Could you look up "Wickerman" in your computer, just one word? Oh. Oh okay. Okay, well thank you.

Winner: 49ers.

103. Denver at Buffalo (Week 16)
Welp, whole reason we went to the Blockbuster was to get Wickerman. Anything you feel like watchin' besides from Wickerman? Thought maybe we could see if they might could have any new releases that are any good. They usually have those on the wall. Wanna go over to the wall, see if maybe they might could have some good new releases?

Winner: Bills.

104. San Francisco at Arizona (Week 14)
Hmm, they got Hitch. Looks like Hitch could be a funny movie. Seems like Will Smith's doin' a lot of weird art movies these days though. He did that movie Robot, I didn't care for that one too much, did you? Oh yeah, it was called I, Robot. Seemed like maybe a little too artsy for me.

Winner: 49ers.

105. NY Jets at Washington (Week 13)
They got a new Batman out too, though. You ever see any of the Batmans? "Batman Begins," it says. So maybe they're just makin' new Batmans now? Haha, that's Hollyweird for ya. Out with the old, in with the new!

Winner: Jets.

106. St. Louis at Pittsburgh (Week 16)
Hmm. "The Constant Gardener." I don't know why they gotta have so many weird movie titles. Guess you have to stand out from the pack, huh? Well maybe we could give Constant Gardener a spin. Or maybe we could try callin' another Blockbuster and seein' if maybe they got Wickerman.

They probly don't got Wickerman. Could maybe just see Wickerman in the theater tonight, but nah, I don't really wanna pay a fortune for popcorn either. It's highway robbery! I could make the same amount of popcorn for a lot cheaper by just goin' to the Price Chopper and gettin' a bag of popcorn kernels and just poppin' 'em on the stove! They'd be a lot more healthy, too. Just don't use so much butter, that's the secret to it.

Wonder if they actually got Wickerman and they just forgot about it and put it behind the wrong box.

Winner: Steelers.

107. Miami at New England (Week 16)
Oh look, they got Da Vinci Code. Got Tom Hanks in it. He was in Apollo 13, really liked him in that. Wha? No, I think probly he's not an astronaut in this one. Might could be a good movie though, especially since they made a book out of it.

Winner: Patriots.

108. Jacksonville at Cleveland (Week 11)
Hey, they got Museum Night, though! Oh yeah, right, "Night in the Museum" it's called. "Night at the Museum." But what if it's a kids movie, though? Wonder if they got a new Shrek out. Really liked Shrek 1, heard they were makin' more Shreks. Think I saw on the TV Guide channel that they were makin' more Shreks. You want to go see if they might could look up and see if they got any Shreks?

Winner: Browns.

109. Jacksonville at Atlanta (Week 15, Thursday night)
Oh! Honey, they said they got a Shrek 2! Say, you got any Shrek 2s left? Ah dang, they say they don't have any more Shrek 2s. Well do you got a Shrek 1? Honey, you wanna just get Shrek 1? I'm sorry, 'scuse us, we're gonna think it over a little bit, see if we wanna watch Shrek 1 tonight.

Winner: Falcons.

110. Arizona at San Francisco (Week 11)
Alrighty sir, think we decided, we're gonna go ahead and get Shrek 1. Ah? Aw, honey, they took Shrek 1! Sorry, I knew I shoulda asked to save it. Well now we're down to Hitch and Wickerman. Oh yeah, they ain't have Wickerman. Okay well we could just get Hitch then. Hope it's not too artsy. Sir, if we got this Hitch tape you think it'd be too artsy? He says no it wouldn't be too artsy if we rented Hitch an' watched it.

Okay well let's look around a little longer. Oh look, they got Cars! I guess Pixar's doin' cars movies now. Thought they mostly did toy movies.

Winner: 49ers.

Stay tuned to this StoryStream for the rest of the rankings.

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Ranking NFL Games 91-100, As Previewed By A Kid Who Wants To Be A Punter When He Grows Up

As noted, the rest of this list will be ranked by special guest previewers. Please enjoy the 61st through 70th most interesting games remaining in the NFL season, and please welcome our special guest, A Kid Who Wants To Be A Punter When He Grows Up.

91. New England at Washington (Week 14)
My favorite thing to do is to do math worksheets.

Winner: Patriots.

92. Tennessee at Carolina (Week 10)
My favorite meal is mustard.

Winner: Titans.

93. Chicago at Minnesota (Week 17)
I don't have any favorite bands. I don't really like music.

Winner: Vikings.

94. Baltimore at Cleveland (Week 13)
My favorite color is yellow because of traffic lights.

Winner: Ravens.

95. New England at Denver (Week 15)
For my birthday I asked for a piece of wood and a saw.

Winner: Patriots.

96. NY Jets at Denver (Week 11, Thursday night)
I don't blow candles out for my birthday. Candles do not stand up in my bowl of milk.

Winner: Jets.

97. Jacksonville at Tennessee (Week 16)
3-D stands for three-dimensional. Did you know that?

Winner: Titans.

98. San Francisco at Seattle (Week 16)
I trace maps for fun.

Winner: 49ers.

99. Minnesota at Washington (Week 16)
My favorite shape is a line.

Winner: Redskins.

100. Washington at Seattle (Week 12)
For exercise I walk laps around a fire hydrant. I keep score.

Winner: Redskins.

Stay tuned to this StoryStream for the rest of the rankings.

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Ranking NFL Games 81-90, As Previewed By Someone Who Is Really Bad At Fantasy Football

As noted, the rest of this list will be ranked by special guest previewers. Please enjoy the 61st through 70th most interesting games remaining in the NFL season, and please welcome our special guest, Someone Who Is Really Bad At Fantasy Football.

 

81. Cleveland at Houston (Week 9)
I kind of wish I got Arian Foster. The thing is, he was kind of hurt at the beginning of the season. When Bo Jackson was hurt, he didn't play anymore. Kind of got the willies about it. I used my first pick on Darren Sproles instead. After the draft I realized I had gotten confused and thought he was C.J. Spiller. Dang it! :(

Winner: Texans.

82. Cleveland at Pittsburgh (Week 14, Thursday night)
Wait, this game is on a Thursday night? I don't think it counts in fantasy. Man, if I don't have Peyton Hillis I'm basically done for that week.

Winner: Steelers.

83. Denver at San Diego (Week 12)
Tim Tebow is basically a running back and a quarterback all in one. Everyone says "Tebow Time" but I prefer to say "Tebo' clock"! Haha! I wanted to change my fantasy name to that, but I got stuck in an ad and I think I have health insurance now.

Winner: Chargers.

84. Washington at NY Giants (Week 15)
Did you know that Eli Manning is Peyton Manning's brother? I saw it on Wikipedia. Let's see whether quarterback talent runs in the family!

Winner: Redskins.

85. Houston at Jacksonville (Week 12)
MEGATRON!

Winner: Jaguars.

86. San Diego at Jacksonville (Week 13, Monday night)
Wait. Wait, so you get points based on what the players do in real life? That doesn't make sense. They're all on different teams in real life, so how does that even make sense?

Winner: Jaguars.

87. New Orleans at Minnesota (Week 15)
Sigh. I don't know. I guess I thought it was all done in a computer equation or something.

Winner: Saints.

88. Minnesota at Atlanta (Week 12)
Well, then, I'm screwed! I'm totally screwed. I think I should be able to just get my league fee back, because I didn't get how it worked and nobody told me.

Winner: Falcons.

89. Oakland at Minnesota (Week 11)
Well fine, then. Keep the league fee. That's sad. You guys are all pathetic, playing this stupid make-believe sports game. You know what I'll do? I'll just give make really bad trades to Matt on purpose so that he'll win, and then I'll get a take from his winnings! He'll do it, too! You think you're so football-smart, well, you're just a bunch of stupid jocks. I'm the one with the real smarts.

Winner: Vikings.

90. Minnesota at Detroit (Week 14)
Wait, so the commissioner can just keep you from... GOD! This game is STUPID! This is just... you're all STUPID.

Winner: Lions.

Stay tuned to this StoryStream for the rest of the rankings.

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Ranking NFL Games 71-80, As Previewed By A Loan Officer Stuck In An Elevator With Nothing To Read But Untenable Business Proposals

As noted, the rest of this list will be ranked by special guest previewers. Please enjoy the 61st through 70th most interesting games remaining in the NFL season, and please welcome our special guest, A Loan Officer Stuck In An Elevator With Nothing To Read But Untenable Business Proposals.

71. Tennessee at Houston (Week 17)
"Scissorsearch." Oh God. (sigh) All right... "Scissorsearch is a service which will premiere in several major American markets. If you misplaced your pair of scissors, around your house, we will send an expert to your house to help you find it! Our research data indicates that most folks leave their scissors in a drawer they never check.

And often times, they're sitting behind people on the floor while they're wrapping presents, and they forgot where they put it because they were busy taping the wrapping paper together. This insider information will help us to" ... God, what the Hell ...

Winner: Texans.

72. Chicago at Oakland (Week 12)
"Tired of the smoke detector going off when you're trying to cook dinner? SmokeSilent is a smoke detector that won't wake up the neighbors! It is specifically designed only to sound when it is actually on fire. If there are legal problems, I know the phone numbers of multiple lawyers." ugh, I'm sure you do. I hope they know I'm stuck in here.

What? No, please, I don't have time to talk about football. I need to use this time to get some work done, okay?

Winner: Bears.

73. Washington at Philadelphia (Week 17)
All right, next one... "BLOCKS. THEY ARE WOOD BLOCKS. I HAD MADE THEM. PUT THEM TOGETHER AND BUILD A HOUSE & BUILDING. BLOCKS ARE FOR CHILDS. I CAN MAKE MANY. I HAVE A SAW AND ACCESS TO AT LEAST 4 TREES. I NEED MONEY FOR JUICE AND CEREAL WHILST I BUILD" ... there's no way that one's real.

Winner: Eagles.

74. Oakland at Green Bay (Week 14)
Pffff... okay. "I have an idea for a machine where you put food ingredients into a thing and bread comes out." That's a breadmaker. You are describing a breadmaker.

Winner: Packers.

75. Tennessee at Buffalo (Week 13)
"I have an as-yet-unnamed idea for a place where folks can bring their food from other fast food restaurants. We will have tables so people can sit together and talk about their meals. It will bring people together in a meal sort of way." A MEAL SORT OF WAY! AUGH

Winner: Titans.

76. Carolina at Tampa Bay (Week 13)
"A remote control... that controls your remote control! With all these webcom gadgets on the marketplace these days, this is invaluable. Haha, just kidding. This is just a joke proposal. But this isn't: come visit us at Fairview Christian Church on Sunday... where we're bursting the dot-com bubble for Christ!" I'm going to fire my secretary.

Winner: Panthers.

77. Denver at Oakland (Week 9)
"An elevator escape mechanism. Are you stuck in an elevator?" Oh wow. "Well, we want to provide a service that posts simple escape instructions inside of each elevator in America!" Oh my God, please, please please...

"Step one: push all the buttons and see if they do anything." Did that.

"Step two: Just hang out until rescue. Here is a story I wrote to pass the time. It is a story about a boy who finds a magical rock!" AAAAAAAAAAAAUGUGHGH

Winner: Raiders.

78. Carolina at Detroit (Week 11)
"Hello. We are an Internet start-up. We provide a web-based app that shows you where the nearest business is that still sells toys that have been recalled because they have been deemed to be hazardous to children. $AVE MONEY"

Winner: Lions.

79. Tampa Bay at Jacksonville (Week 14)
"We are a business that will make a bunch of copies of movies and then just sell them ourselves. All I need is enough money for a mattress under which I can hide my earnings. All I have now is a see-through tarp, which will not work for obvious reasons and also it is not comfortable!"

Winner: Jaguars.

80. New Orleans at Tennessee (Week 14)
"Hi, we are Google, and we would like to change things people like about our services and make them bad. We need a loan because all our money will be gone when everyone goes back to HotBot. We will need money in order to keep making commercials that make us look adorable."

Winner: Saints.

Stay tuned to this StoryStream for the rest of the rankings.

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Ranking NFL Games 61-70, As Previewed By Inebriated Time-Traveling Abraham Lincoln

As noted, the rest of this list will be ranked by special guest previewers. Please enjoy the 61st through 70th most interesting games remaining in the NFL season, and please welcome our special guest, Inebriated Time-Traveling Abraham Lincoln.

61. Buffalo at Dallas (Week 10)
Well! Hello! Did Seward tell you I was coming? He didn't? Ha!

This is brandy, and it is delicious! It's empty! Will you get me more? ...What? And this is a match of some sort? Buffalo to... Dallas? Why Texas? What did you find there, oil? No matter, no matter. That must take thirty minutes in this age. It's 2111, isn't it? Oh. 2011. I will guess... five hours? Ha! Haha, I knew I wasn't far off. Well, good work. Good work. I'm sure you weren't the one to personally construct the teletrain, but good work nonetheless.

Winner: Bills.

62. Tampa Bay at Tennessee (Week 12)
All right, well, slow down a moment, let me understand you. There are 11 men on each side, and they must carry a ball to a goal, yes? Is there a record of standings, so that I may read the histories of these teams? Right, yes, then fetch it please, thank you. Meantime, please, tell me the wins and losses marked against them.

They're both four and three! Well! They're both secessors. Seceders? I prefer secessors. Damn them both.

Winner: tie game.

63. Kansas City at NY Jets (Week 14)
I'm glad it wasn't too much trouble to get an American President something to drink. I only walked in here because I thought it was the door to the wine cellar. Least you can do is be half as welcoming as it would have been.

Both of these teams are four and three too? What f***ing game is this? Uh. Jets, I suppose. Seward told me about jets. There are inkjets and laserjets, and they both make the practices of accounting and journalism easier than ever! WHAT A WONDERFUL AGE! HA! [falls over]

Winner: Jets.

64. Dallas at Tampa Bay (Week 15, Saturday night)
A Saturday night in mid-December? Don't you people have holiday parties? What is wrong with you rubs? Speaking of parties, won't someone get me some more damned brandy?

"Winner": Buccaneers.

65. Carolina at Houston (Week 15)
Houston! Or Carolina! Carolina re-unified? Oh good, now they have two palm trees and a drunkard.

Winner: Texans.

66. Tennessee at Atlanta (Week 11)
We razed Atlanta to the ground! Did you rebuild it just to spite me? Miserable little landlocked mosquito palace.

You know, I bet you think you're so intelligent. You think I'm stupid just because I'm not from this time and I don't know about all your fancy inventions. Well I'm NOT! Do you treat all time travelers this way? Do you just wait for them to fall out of that worm-hole so you can act smug and say, "oh, look at us, look at all these things you don't know, ohhhh." You think you're the king of everything! Well you're NOT! [breaks snifter against wall]

MORE BRANDY!

Winner: Titans.

67. Baltimore at San Diego (Week 15, Sunday night)
Baltimore. More like Balti-less. Balti-fewer. Balti-(hic)... Balti-none!

Ohhhh, I don't feel very well. I didn't know everything was going to be so drunk in the future. Seward should have told me. Seward. What a mook.

Winner: Ravens.

68. Kansas City at Chicago (Week 13)
[falls asleep on floor]

Winner: Chiefs.

 

69. Pittsburgh at Cleveland (Week 17)
Ohhhhh God. What did... Oh no. I'm such a terrible President. I was helping you analyze your competitive football matches, and I guess I just... oh, I'm the worst.

"Steelers"? Why, yes, they do make a lot of steel. You sure are a dim bunch. What's the other team... Browns?!?! Good God, it's a future of dullards.

Winner: Steelers.

 

70. Chicago at Denver (Week 14)
I'll wager to guess Denver. That's where you'll find my bones, I reckon. That's where I spent my retirement.

...all right, yes! Yes, if you want me to just come out and say it to you: it was part of the play. I'm such a bad fellow, am I, just because I wanted some peace and quiet? Well, I'm off, have fun at your concussion festival. 

Winner: Bears.

Stay tuned to this StoryStream for the rest of the rankings.

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Ranking NFL Games 51-60, As Previewed By A Fourth-Grader Attempting To Bring Her Science Project To School On A School Bus

As noted, the rest of this list will be ranked by special guest previewers. Please enjoy the 51st through 60th most interesting games remaining in the NFL season, and please welcome our special guest, A Fourth-Grader Attempting To Bring Her Science Project To School On A School Bus.

51. Tampa Bay at Carolina (Week 16)
Oh, well, I watched the Panthers with my dad one time. Cam Newton is good at throwing passes, but he runs a lot too, which is weird for a quarterback. What team is Tampa Bay? Oh. Well, I don't know much about -- oh! This is just my project for science class.

Winner: Panthers.

52. Cincinnati at Tennessee (Week 9)
Well, my mom and dad helped me do this. It's an experiment where you push this button and this light is supposed to light up. But if you push these two buttons at the same time, this light is supposed to come on instead.

I don't really know much about the Titans but I have been on a car ride through Nashville, so I guess Tennessee.

Winner: Titans.

53. Atlanta at Carolina (Week 14)
Oh, definitely Cam Newton. I saw that he went to Auburn, but obviously Auburn isn't a state. I think it's weird when college teams aren't named after states. Just call it what--

--aww! Gosh. This part of it came off. I wish the bus wasn't so bumpy. I don't get why they don't make you wear seatbelts when it's way bumpier than a car.

Winner: Panthers.

54. Houston at Cincinnati (Week 14)
It's okay, I can just glue it. I think the glue is in my-- oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, I forgot my backpack! I was just afraid to miss the bus so I got my project and I ran out the door, and I just forgot my backpack.

Oh my gosh, my lunch money was in my backpack.

Bengals I guess.

Winner: Bengals.

55. Indianapolis at Baltimore (Week 14)
Maybe Mrs. Franklin can let me borrow a dollar. My friend did that once when she forgot her lunch money. I think it's a law where you have to give kids a lunch. I hope-- OH! That's the team where Peyton Manning's hurt!

So now they have the rock and roll guy with the long hair playing quarterback. I hate him. I don't know why, it's not nice to hate him and he never did anything wrong. But I hate him. I hope he scores negative-negative-50 points.

Winner: Ravens.

56. Cleveland at Cincinnati (Week 12)
Oh, so that's between two Ohio teams? My dad had a joke about that, he said that game is going to be, wait, what did he say? Oh, he said "that game's gonna be like church for the afternoon." My mom laughed a lot at it. It was really--

Oh no. Oh gosh, where did the buzzer go? Did you see where the buzzer part went? I think it just fell off. There was a buzzer part right here that's supposed to buzz when you push the button.

Winner: Bengals.

57. Pittsburgh at Kansas City (Week 12, Sunday night)
Oh, that's on Thanksgiving weekend! I might be able to watch it. Mom and dad aren't as strict about bedtime when it's a holiday weekend. It's sort of an unofficial rule.

Hold on for a minute, I'm going to just test it out and make sure everything else works okay. The buzzer was really just for show. I just need the light part of it to work.

But I'm trying to watch more football, though. I like it a lot. My mom told me that when she was little, girls weren't really supposed to watch football and that it was just for boys. She likes football too. It's just really cool because there's a lot of decisions you have to make. Like, what if it's fourth and one and you're at the 50? Do you go for it? I would unless my offense was HORRIBLE. Okay hold on, just need to push this real fast.

It's not working. Nothing happened! I need the buzzer! The signal has to go through the buzzer part before it gets to the light part! 

Winner: Chiefs.

58. Green Bay at Kansas City (Week 15)
I just asked the kids behind me if they saw the buzzer on the floor anywhere. I think they were laughing at me. I hope they weren't laughing at me. They said they didn't see it.

What? Wait... oh, that was the first Super Bowl! Super Bowl I! I got a book for my birthday about all of the Super Bowls. I think it's weird that the Chiefs were in the very first one. Well, I mean, just because they aren't really all that good and they don't ever go to the Super Bowl, but the Packers go to the Super Bowl all the time. So I think it would be cool if the Chiefs won this one, because--

One of them just called me a dork. I heard it.

Winner: Packers.

59. Detroit at Oakland (Week 15)
[sobbing]

Winner: Lions.

60. NY Giants at San Francisco (Week 10)
I feel so stupid. I haven't cried in school since second grade, when I couldn't figure out a math problem. The bus counts as school.

[sniffles] It's okay. I think I can just call my mom once I get to school and she can come and bring me a different buzzer part, and I can just fix it with the stuff at school. We have another one because the buzzers came in two-packs for some reason. I guess it's a good thing!

Whew. Haha. It's going to be okay. Um... I don't really know why the 49ers are so good. They don't have a famous quarterback, or at least he's not famous to me. I'm still trying to figure out all the defense stuff. I know there's the front guys, obviously, and a safety, but I don't get what makes them better. It's not just that they're bigger, because why don't they just get a bunch of Sumo wrestlers?

You aren't supposed to call a girl a dork. You shouldn't call anybody a dork.

Stay tuned to this StoryStream for the rest of the rankings.

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Ranking NFL Games 41-50, As Previewed By Your College Roommate Who Wants To Make Food For The Game But Doesn't Know Anything About Cooking

As noted, the rest of this list will be ranked by special guest previewers. Please enjoy the 41st through 50th most interesting games remaining in the NFL season, and please welcome our special guest,  Your College Roommate Who Wants To Make Food For The Game But Doesn't Know Anything About Cooking.

41. New England at Philadelphia (Week 12)
Hey man, want to get together and watch this game? I was thinking about maybe having a barbecue. I know we don't have an outdoor grill, but I do have this Foreman grill my mom got me. It gets hot, obviously, so it's basically the same thing. Plus, it gives you the flavor of grill marks.

Winner: Eagles.

42. San Diego at Chicago (Week 11)
Oh hey, I could make some Chicago-style pizza. Do you know how to make dough? I'm a little rusty on it, but you basically just have to make flour really wet. Tomato sauce is pretty cheap, too. We could always get the shredded mozzarella cheese, but it seems like it would be more economical to just get one of those blocks of cheddar cheese and slice it up. That's what I call gourmet on a budget! Mama mia!

Sorry. I think it might be racist to say "mama mia." I went to a demonstration about it.

Winner: Bears.

43. NY Giants at New Orleans (Week 12, Monday night)
All right! The perfect occasion for a genuine Mardi Gras treat! I see frozen shrimp all the time at the store. I figure I could just use the "flash fry" technique. You get the stove really super hot and then just throw the frozen shrimp right in. Maybe I could use some cooking spray first, but that's not how the Cajuns did it. They used things from the Earth.

Winner: Saints.

44. Carolina at New Orleans (Week 17)
Okay this week we will not do a Mardi Gras party and I am sorry about the food poisoning. Do you have food poisoning still? I bought a thing of garlic at the store. Wikipedia says garlic has healing properties. I don't know how to get the garlic out of its garlic thing though. I thought garlics were basically tiny potatoes.

Winner: Panthers.


45. NY Jets at Philadelphia (Week 15)
New York. The city of brotherly... the city of apple. The Big Apple. How about we fire up the Foreman and make some New York-style strip steaks! I already got all the stuff at the store. Salt? Check. Pepper? From the Wendy's, but still, check. Steaks?

Well okay, steaks ended up being real expensive at the store, so we're going to do chicken steaks. How do you want your chicken steak cooked? I'm going rare, baby. Anthony Bourdain says you're an idiot if you don't have your steak rare.

Winner: Eagles.

46. San Diego at Detroit (Week 16)
It's hard to do a food theme based on Detroit because Detroit has "food deserts." I read about it on a blog. Maybe we could just save the money we would have spent on food and donate it to Detroit. I've been thinking about doing activism.

Winner: Lions.

47. Tampa Bay at Atlanta (Week 17)
Hey, let's just do chili night. It's really easy. You just break up some burgers and throw it in the pot with some Hormel chili. We could get fancy and do some onions, too. Then just simmer that on boiling heat until the chili has been rendered.

Winner: Falcons.

48. New Orleans at Atlanta (Week 10)
I saw something on Food Network about a dish called ceviche. You just get fish and put it in lemon juice and it cooks itself! I could definitely... okay fine, you don't have to be some huge asshole about it. Oh. Okay, fine, I won't try to make any more food, ever! Is that how you feel about it? I don't... I don't care. Who cares.

Winner: Saints.

49. Green Bay at NY Giants (Week 13)
I just got some Taco Bell. I don't care. It's not a big deal.

Winner: Packers.

50. Kansas City at Denver (Week 17)
Who cares if I'm eating saltines out of the box? It's still food. If you judge me, you're a food bigot.

Winner: Chiefs.

Stay tuned to this StoryStream for the rest of the rankings.

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Ranking NFL Games 31-40, As Previewed By An Anarchist Who Thinks You're Talking About Battles In The Next Civil War

As noted, the rest of this list will be ranked by special guest previewers. Please enjoy the 31st through 40th most interesting games remaining in the NFL season, and please welcome our special guest, A Fringe-Theory Anarchist Who Thinks You're Talking About Battles In The Next Civil War.

31. Tampa Bay at New Orleans (Week 9)
The Gulf of Mexico has been relatively quiet ever since the Zimmerman Telegram. Well, there's a war brewing. You know what they're gonna fight over? The enigma machine they need to decode the Zimmerman Telegram. That telegram ain't what the history books tell you it is. It's about lasers!

Winner: Buccaneers.

32. Pittsburgh at San Francisco (Week 15, Monday night)
Now, realize, if you're talkin' about west Pennsylvanians wagin' war, you're talkin' about war wagons. Literal war wagons, with the canvas covers and such. No brakes, save for a crowbar through the wheel spokes. Gonna need more'n that to navigate the Frisco hills. 'Course, wouldn't be much a fight either way. Even the police force up there ain't equipped with nothin' but a yardstick with a nail driven through it. A "Pittsburgh fishin' pole," they call it.

Winner: 49ers.

33. Buffalo at San Diego (Week 14)
This one's gonna come down to whoever's got the most battleships, believe you me. What do you think they've been buildin' the Montana Canal for? The winner of this one gets all the bridges from Erie to Vancouver.

Winner: Chargers.

34. Green Bay at San Diego (Week 9)
That ain't gonna be just a two-sided war, mind you. Them cheese-eaters is gonna stake their claim. 

Winner: Packers.

35. NY Giants at Dallas (Week 14, Sunday night)
Those Yanks think they can just wheel their armies on down to Texas? I reckon Obama'll blow the bridges on the expressways well before they collapse. He knows destruction of the infrastructure is the first line of defense against the New World Order. He ain't so bad, that Obama. He's a smart fella. Knows when his throne's fallin' apart, knows when to send it back.

Winner: Dallas.

36. Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (Week 13)
In the Coming Times, you know, West Virginia's smack in the middle of Appalachia, and its geographical isolation makes it the most valuable strategic position this side of Puerto Rico. Pittsburgh's gonna win the fight here. Cincinnatians can't even build half a subway system without messin' their jimmies.

Winner: Steelers.

37. Denver at Kansas City (Week 10)
This oughta end pretty quick once both sides agree that nobody really wants Salina. That's where your government has been takin' your recyclables since 1986. Been tryin' to melt it all down and build a Mystical Grand Obelisk, but they couldn't even make it see across the land and looks into the hearts of men. Hunk a' junk.

Winner: Chiefs.

38. Chicago at Green Bay (Week 16, Sunday night)
When the Spaniards rise Atlantis from out of the sea, you know what that's gonna mean? Displacement. Water displacement. Millions of metric tons of it. I give a week before Lake Michigan rises and swallows 'em both whole.

Winner: Packers.

39. Philadelphia at NY Giants (Week 11, Sunday night)
Philadelphia. Ain't a happy place. The events of one of those M. Night Shylaman movies has already come to pass. I'll tell you which one for three pounds of copper. Gotta wire up an intercom system. There will be no wireless signals in the Confederated America.

Winner: Eagles.

40. Atlanta at Houston (Week 13)
Two cities of endless cheaply-built suburb. You try and raze one of those towns, they won't burn. They'll melt. You ever inhaled plastic fumes? I mean, when you weren't tryin' to?

Winner: Falcons.


Stay tuned to this StoryStream for the rest of the rankings.

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Ranking NFL Games 21-30, As Previewed By Someone Who Who Hasn't Watched Football In 10 Years And Holds Strong Opinions Anyway

 

As noted, the rest of this list will be ranked by special guest previewers. Please enjoy the 21st through 30th most interesting games remaining in the NFL season, and please welcome our special guest, Someone Who Who Hasn't Watched Football In 10 Years And Holds Strong Opinions Anyway.

21. Dallas at NY Giants (Week 17)
Oh yeah, this oughta be a good one. You know it's gonna be good if it's a Cowboys game. Got a feeling that uh, you know, they're just, [takes really long sip of coffee, waits for someone else to change the subject]

Winner: Cowboys.

22. Detroit at Chicago (Week 10)
Ha! Lions. Let me tell you something about the Lions. You know what "LIONS" stands for? Just End The Season! Wait.

Winner: Lions.

23. San Diego at Oakland (Week 17)
I don't really watch football anymore, but I saw someone on a website call the Raiders the "Faiders." I guess they aren't very good, huh, fading away at the end of games and all that? Oh, I can't remember where I saw it. I clicked a story on my homepage, and there was a Twitter where someone said it.

Hmm? I don't know. There was just a Twitter.

Winner: Raiders.

24. Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (Week 10)
I'm sure Kordell Stewart's retired now, right? Too bad. I gotta go with the Steelers here. Between that fella who fell off the motorcycle and Kordell Stewart... well yeah, I know he doesn't play for them anymore, but you know he left a legacy.

It's just really important for football teams to have legacies. At least five or six legacies, probably.

Winner: Steelers.

25. NY Giants at NY Jets (Week 16)
Ha! Jets. You know what "JETS" stands for? Just End The Season! Wait, are the Jets not bad anymore? Wait.

Winner: Jets.

26. Indianapolis at New England (Week 13, Sunday night)
Sunday night? Can't be there. It's Simpsons night! That's a bummer. Would have been nice to catch up on all the Spygate and what have you. You want to know what I think about Spygate? I think that it's really bad!

Winner: Packers. [EDIT: This prediction was pasted incorrectly, but I must stand by my decision. Go Packers!]

27. NY Jets at Buffalo (Week 9)
Oh boy. That ought to be a bad one, huh? Buffalo's got the uh, they've got a bad running game and a quarterback controversy. They ought to just uh, fire the uh.. maybe that was baseball. Maybe it was about a pitcher and baseball. Saw it on SportsCenter.

Winner: Jets.

28. Philadelphia at Dallas (Week 16)
Oh! Hey, I heard about Michael Vick, what with all the jail. Hold on, got a bunch of Michael Vick jokes my nephew sent me. One goes like, uh, okay it goes, "What does Michael Vick... Michael Vick goes to a dog... store, like a PetSmart, and..." OK wait it goes, um.

OK hold on, I need to go look it up in my email. It's really good. It's really, really funny.

Winner: Eagles.

29. Detroit at Green Bay (Week 17)
Talk about a snoozefest. You snooze, you lose. I don't know what that last thing I said means.

Winner: Lions.

30. Cleveland at Baltimore (Week 16)
Wait, so who... Cleveland moved, I thought. I... wait, now they're the Browns? How can the Browns move and then there's just a new Browns? And they got to keep the historical records? How can something like history belong to somebody?  This is weird. That's just too weird for me. See, that's why I stopped watching the NFL. Too many existential quandaries.

Winner: Ravens.

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