Ranking NFL Games 31-40, As Previewed By An Anarchist Who Thinks You're Talking About Battles In The Next Civil War

As noted, the rest of this list will be ranked by special guest previewers. Please enjoy the 31st through 40th most interesting games remaining in the NFL season, and please welcome our special guest, A Fringe-Theory Anarchist Who Thinks You're Talking About Battles In The Next Civil War.

31. Tampa Bay at New Orleans (Week 9)
The Gulf of Mexico has been relatively quiet ever since the Zimmerman Telegram. Well, there's a war brewing. You know what they're gonna fight over? The enigma machine they need to decode the Zimmerman Telegram. That telegram ain't what the history books tell you it is. It's about lasers!

Winner: Buccaneers.

32. Pittsburgh at San Francisco (Week 15, Monday night)
Now, realize, if you're talkin' about west Pennsylvanians wagin' war, you're talkin' about war wagons. Literal war wagons, with the canvas covers and such. No brakes, save for a crowbar through the wheel spokes. Gonna need more'n that to navigate the Frisco hills. 'Course, wouldn't be much a fight either way. Even the police force up there ain't equipped with nothin' but a yardstick with a nail driven through it. A "Pittsburgh fishin' pole," they call it.

Winner: 49ers.

33. Buffalo at San Diego (Week 14)
This one's gonna come down to whoever's got the most battleships, believe you me. What do you think they've been buildin' the Montana Canal for? The winner of this one gets all the bridges from Erie to Vancouver.

Winner: Chargers.

34. Green Bay at San Diego (Week 9)
That ain't gonna be just a two-sided war, mind you. Them cheese-eaters is gonna stake their claim. 

Winner: Packers.

35. NY Giants at Dallas (Week 14, Sunday night)
Those Yanks think they can just wheel their armies on down to Texas? I reckon Obama'll blow the bridges on the expressways well before they collapse. He knows destruction of the infrastructure is the first line of defense against the New World Order. He ain't so bad, that Obama. He's a smart fella. Knows when his throne's fallin' apart, knows when to send it back.

Winner: Dallas.

36. Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (Week 13)
In the Coming Times, you know, West Virginia's smack in the middle of Appalachia, and its geographical isolation makes it the most valuable strategic position this side of Puerto Rico. Pittsburgh's gonna win the fight here. Cincinnatians can't even build half a subway system without messin' their jimmies.

Winner: Steelers.

37. Denver at Kansas City (Week 10)
This oughta end pretty quick once both sides agree that nobody really wants Salina. That's where your government has been takin' your recyclables since 1986. Been tryin' to melt it all down and build a Mystical Grand Obelisk, but they couldn't even make it see across the land and looks into the hearts of men. Hunk a' junk.

Winner: Chiefs.

38. Chicago at Green Bay (Week 16, Sunday night)
When the Spaniards rise Atlantis from out of the sea, you know what that's gonna mean? Displacement. Water displacement. Millions of metric tons of it. I give a week before Lake Michigan rises and swallows 'em both whole.

Winner: Packers.

39. Philadelphia at NY Giants (Week 11, Sunday night)
Philadelphia. Ain't a happy place. The events of one of those M. Night Shylaman movies has already come to pass. I'll tell you which one for three pounds of copper. Gotta wire up an intercom system. There will be no wireless signals in the Confederated America.

Winner: Eagles.

40. Atlanta at Houston (Week 13)
Two cities of endless cheaply-built suburb. You try and raze one of those towns, they won't burn. They'll melt. You ever inhaled plastic fumes? I mean, when you weren't tryin' to?

Winner: Falcons.


Stay tuned to this StoryStream for the rest of the rankings.

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