Ranking NFL Games 71-80, As Previewed By A Loan Officer Stuck In An Elevator With Nothing To Read But Untenable Business Proposals

As noted, the rest of this list will be ranked by special guest previewers. Please enjoy the 61st through 70th most interesting games remaining in the NFL season, and please welcome our special guest, A Loan Officer Stuck In An Elevator With Nothing To Read But Untenable Business Proposals.

71. Tennessee at Houston (Week 17)
"Scissorsearch." Oh God. (sigh) All right... "Scissorsearch is a service which will premiere in several major American markets. If you misplaced your pair of scissors, around your house, we will send an expert to your house to help you find it! Our research data indicates that most folks leave their scissors in a drawer they never check.

And often times, they're sitting behind people on the floor while they're wrapping presents, and they forgot where they put it because they were busy taping the wrapping paper together. This insider information will help us to" ... God, what the Hell ...

Winner: Texans.

72. Chicago at Oakland (Week 12)
"Tired of the smoke detector going off when you're trying to cook dinner? SmokeSilent is a smoke detector that won't wake up the neighbors! It is specifically designed only to sound when it is actually on fire. If there are legal problems, I know the phone numbers of multiple lawyers." ugh, I'm sure you do. I hope they know I'm stuck in here.

What? No, please, I don't have time to talk about football. I need to use this time to get some work done, okay?

Winner: Bears.

73. Washington at Philadelphia (Week 17)
All right, next one... "BLOCKS. THEY ARE WOOD BLOCKS. I HAD MADE THEM. PUT THEM TOGETHER AND BUILD A HOUSE & BUILDING. BLOCKS ARE FOR CHILDS. I CAN MAKE MANY. I HAVE A SAW AND ACCESS TO AT LEAST 4 TREES. I NEED MONEY FOR JUICE AND CEREAL WHILST I BUILD" ... there's no way that one's real.

Winner: Eagles.

74. Oakland at Green Bay (Week 14)
Pffff... okay. "I have an idea for a machine where you put food ingredients into a thing and bread comes out." That's a breadmaker. You are describing a breadmaker.

Winner: Packers.

75. Tennessee at Buffalo (Week 13)
"I have an as-yet-unnamed idea for a place where folks can bring their food from other fast food restaurants. We will have tables so people can sit together and talk about their meals. It will bring people together in a meal sort of way." A MEAL SORT OF WAY! AUGH

Winner: Titans.

76. Carolina at Tampa Bay (Week 13)
"A remote control... that controls your remote control! With all these webcom gadgets on the marketplace these days, this is invaluable. Haha, just kidding. This is just a joke proposal. But this isn't: come visit us at Fairview Christian Church on Sunday... where we're bursting the dot-com bubble for Christ!" I'm going to fire my secretary.

Winner: Panthers.

77. Denver at Oakland (Week 9)
"An elevator escape mechanism. Are you stuck in an elevator?" Oh wow. "Well, we want to provide a service that posts simple escape instructions inside of each elevator in America!" Oh my God, please, please please...

"Step one: push all the buttons and see if they do anything." Did that.

"Step two: Just hang out until rescue. Here is a story I wrote to pass the time. It is a story about a boy who finds a magical rock!" AAAAAAAAAAAAUGUGHGH

Winner: Raiders.

78. Carolina at Detroit (Week 11)
"Hello. We are an Internet start-up. We provide a web-based app that shows you where the nearest business is that still sells toys that have been recalled because they have been deemed to be hazardous to children. $AVE MONEY"

Winner: Lions.

79. Tampa Bay at Jacksonville (Week 14)
"We are a business that will make a bunch of copies of movies and then just sell them ourselves. All I need is enough money for a mattress under which I can hide my earnings. All I have now is a see-through tarp, which will not work for obvious reasons and also it is not comfortable!"

Winner: Jaguars.

80. New Orleans at Tennessee (Week 14)
"Hi, we are Google, and we would like to change things people like about our services and make them bad. We need a loan because all our money will be gone when everyone goes back to HotBot. We will need money in order to keep making commercials that make us look adorable."

Winner: Saints.

Stay tuned to this StoryStream for the rest of the rankings.

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