Ranking NFL Games 111-120, As Previewed By A Guy At A Casino Who Has Seen Movies About Poker But Never Actually Played Poker

As noted, the rest of this list will be ranked by special guest previewers. Please enjoy the 61st through 70th most interesting games remaining in the NFL season, and please welcome our special guest, A Guy Playing Poker At A Casino Who Has Seen Movies About Poker But Has Never Actually Played Poker.

111. Arizona at Philadelphia (Week 10)
Texas Hold 'Em's the game, huh? Ah yes. That's just my game. You know, Hold 'Em can break even the toughest professionals. Some of 'em can't handle the swings. Don't mean to rattle you guys, but... hey, let's have some fun. I'll splash around. Deal me in.

Oh. You already dealt me in, just because I'm sitting here? Okay.

Oh. Okay, what's a small blind? I mean, uh, what's the small blind?

Winner: Eagles.

112. Arizona at Cincinnati (Week 16)
That's the small blind? Well, that doesn't seem right. I shouldn't have to put in any chips if I don't want to. Okay, everyone, fine! Sorry! Just havin' a little fun... just a cat playin' with a mouse... heh...

Winner: Cardinals.

113. Denver at Minnesota (Week 13)
You know, there's a little sayin'... there's a sucker at every table. And if you can't figure out who the sucker is within 30 minutes... you are the sucker. Heh.

[takes two hole cards, fans them in front of his face] 

Winner: Vikings.

114. Cleveland at Arizona (Week 15)
You raised it to... is that 10? Um. Okay I'm not going to raise it to that much. Flop us, dealer!

Wait, I have to call 10 to stay in the hand? Wait... hey, I ain't exactly a babe in the woods here. You're trying to trick me! This is some sort of riverboat bandit robber thief game!

Oh my God okay sorry, no need to call security, I am really really sorry. I'm really sorry, everybody. Sorry.

Winner: Cardinals.

115. Jacksonville at Indianapolis (Week 10)
Hmm. [squints at person who raised to 10) What you got, cowboy? You got aces? Hey, I don't mean to rattle ya.

I will fold... [person makes no visible gestures] ...ha. Buddy, I can read you like a book. You couldn't wait for me to fold, could you? Well, nevermind that. I'm raising. I bet the pot.

Hey, what? No, I wasn't actually folding. I was using poker tricks! Hey! That's... no, I don't fold. "Verbal is binding"? Nobody told me that! This game is... idiot! This game is for idiots!

Okay no, seriously, I'm really sorry, sir. I'll stop. No, really, I'm really sorry. I just play poker differently where I'm from.

Where? Oh, uh... [tries to remember name of fake casino in his cell phone poker game] Uh, Pokersoft Casino.

Winner: Jaguars.

116. Philadelphia at Miami (Week 14)
Okay. So now I'm the "dealer" but I don't actually have to deal the cards? Ah yes, treated like a king. Oh yes, ma'am, I would like a "cocktail." [looks around table] You know what? Give me a whiskey on the house. Or, I mean, when there's ice in it. Yes! Whiskey in the rocks. Whiskey on the rocks.

Winner: Eagles.

117. Baltimore at Seattle (Week 10)
[is dealt 7 and 2 of spades]

[flop comes spade, club, 2 of diamonds]

[turn is a spade]

[river is a spade]

I'm all in. Can I just show my cards now! Okay! Pair of 2s. Read. Em. And. Weep. ...oh, you have three 8s. Sigh...

Wait, I

Wait, did I win?

I GOT A FLUSH! That's... 60 bucks? [hyperventilates]

Winner: Ravens.

118. Seattle at Arizona (Week 17)
Ha. Mess with the bull and get the horns. Let me offer y'all a little tip: you can only lose what you put in the middle. Read the man, not the cards.

You know, life is like a game of cards. Sometimes you get a flop, m'man, and sometimes you gotta fold. You make yourself a house of cards, m'man, it's allllll gonna come crumblin' down.

Does anyone have a pen and paper handy? Got card game life metaphors I gotta write down.

Winner: Seahawks.

119. Philadelphia at Seattle (Week 13, Thursday night)
[is dealt pair of 9s]

[limps into pot, calls until the river]

[strong flush and straight draws on table]

[four other players go all in]

[goes all in with pocket 9s]

[loses entire stack]

Winner: Eagles.

120. Oakland at Miami (Week 13)
[wandering in daze around slot machine room] Ah God. Ahhhhhh God. I should have just left when I was up. I should have just done that. I could have been eating combo meals at Wendy's every day for weeks!

In the poker game of life, that poker game was the...

I feel just like Matt Rounders.

Winner: Dolphins.

Stay tuned to this StoryStream for the rest of the rankings.

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