Selling drugs is no laughing matter.
But stupid drug dealers? If laughing is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
There's a chance the Sam Hurd story, with the list of NFL players he allegedly sold drugs to – which probably wasn't for personal use – could turn into a scandal like none we've seen. But right now, what we've got is a five-page complaint with enough "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?" to get you through the weekend.
And I've got questions.
1. What happened to the marijuana?
Hurd's associate T.L. was pulled over in Texas with a "canvas bag, covered in a green leafy plant...field tested positive for the properties of marijuana" containing $88,000. So Hurd went and claimed the money (more on that later) seized by police ...but what about the weed? The cash was his, but the weed just grew from the crack between the seats?
2. Who "routinely" keeps several thousand dollars in cash in his car?
It's never easy explaining thousands in cash when you've got a checking account. After all, the whole reason for the account is so you won't have to keep several hundred dollars, let alone thousands, in the car. If T.L. was telling the truth, I want to know what car alarm Hurd has, cuz it would have to make his whip a safe on wheels. Does the system have a combination lock on it?
3. Is T.L. the most trustworthy mechanic ever?
Because it'll be funny, let's assume someone on the up-and-up really does keep stacks of cash in his car. Who leaves them for his mechanic? You can't count on keeping the change in your ashtray when you get an oil change, but someone carrying that much "legit" cash trusts the guy that fixes his cars? Guess T.L. got a great review from "Angie's List."
4. Is Sam Hurd the greediest man alive, or just the cheapest?
Put Hurd on the list of DIY dope dealers in sports, right behind Nate Newton and Sammie Smith. Hey, I respect limiting middle men to save money, seeing how I do the same myself. But I sell t-shirts. And the t-shirts are made of cotton, not cocaine.
5. How many phones does Hurd own?
The complaint makes multiple references to Hurd's "personal cell phone." Perhaps that just means the phone belonged to him. But given that he was rolling in cars registered in his name and picking up kilos himself, maybe he simply refused to spend an extra $40 per month when he already has unlimited minutes and data. Except...well, the next question.
6. What's so special about Mexican cell phones?
The complaint states Hurd wanted to acquire Mexican cell phones, because the law couldn't eavesdrop on those calls. I guarantee, when Hurd explains that one, his story will include the phrase, "that's just what somebody told me."
7. Was he trying to sleep with the people to whom he allegedly sold drugs?
It's a fair question, considering how often the fact he was a football player came up in conversation. As if anyone in these conversations cares what he's doing when he's not showing up with cash or dope. Why bring it up? "I play for the Bears" might get a woman to come to Hurd's big house. It will do nothing to keep Hurd out of The Big House.
8. Does Sam Hurd have HBO?
Everyone's tired of sportswriters making references to "The Wire," and even more annoyed by people who consider themselves underground economists because they watched all five seasons. However, this exact thing happened on the show in Season One. Clay Davis and Day-Day: traffic stop, cash in the car, and the cops saying the rightful owner of the cash could claim it. No one just walked up and asked for it. They had to go through the police chief to pull off that magic trick.
And Hurd? He must be a Weeds guy.
9. Why didn't Hurd let that 88K slide?
According to the paperwork, Hurd told an informant he was looking to buy between $125,000-250,000 worth of cocaine and another $450,000 of marijuana every week. But he went to the cops to recover a lost $88,000? Then, when he met with the undercover agent and informant, he told them the money that was seized couldn't be traced to him. Even though he claimed the seizure himself.
That's no connection at all. Nope.
10. How did the undercover cop and informant not laugh in T.L. and Hurd's faces?
On Page 3 of the complaint, T.L.told the informant Hurd was trying to reclaim that money. Wouldn't the first sign that something was awry for Hurd and T.L. be that this supposed drug dealer didn't stop and say, "Have you lost your goddamn mind?" The drug dealer that went to claim that money would get someone locked up. No way three separate dealers could hear this plan and not think, "Man, that's not a good idea."
And guess what? It didn't happen here, either.