My Super Bowl XLV prediction is that the Steelers will defeat the Packers, 31-20. My rationale is as follows: both teams are pretty good, so whatever, and any team can win on any given Sunday, so there's that, and both teams have pretty good players, but I don't know, who knows, I'd better just put down a score because I can flaunt it to everybody if I happen to be right, and everyone will forget it if I'm wrong.
Steelers fans over at Behind The Steel Curtain, as well as Packers fans at Acme Packing Company, might find fault with my logic, and perhaps they would be right. But there is far more to predict than the final score. Below, I've offered some odds of given circumstances, events, and accomplishments coming to pass:
3:1 - Momentum is turned when a quarterback throws a poorly-advised interception.
416:1 - Momentum is turned when a quarterback throws a well-advised interception.
2:1 - Momentum is turned when a quarterback throws an interception without seeking advice.
306:1 - James Harrison runs back one-yard interception return for a touchdown, is refused an oxygen mask, punctures the football and breathes in its air, which, as it turns out, is air taken directly from a mineral-rich air pocket located deep within the Atlantic shelf. Harrison instantly acquires the ability to uproot and throw skyscrapers.
2:1 - The Steelers win, and the players and fans lie to themselves and each other, insisting that it is a special win. It is not, of course, because the Steelers have won twice in the last six years, and there's no reason to expect a third to accomplish anything that the first two didn't.
7:1 - Donald Driver catches a touchdown pass; census worker sees this, sifts through the records, and corrects Driver's status, which initially read, "like 80 years old and definitely retired by now."
Broadcasting Cliche Odds
2:1 - Aaron Rodgers is compared to Brett Favre.
20:1 - Ben Roethlisberger is compared to Tommy Maddox.
10:1 - Ben Roethlisberger is compared to Brett Favre.
12:1 - Aaron Rodgers is compared to Troy Aikman.
13:1 - Troy Aikman compares Aaron Rodgers to Troy Aikman.
1:1 - Beer commercial implies that women are gullible/unbearable/objects.
2:1 - Talking baby!
5:1 - Anthropomorphic animal!
15:1 - Beer commercial implies that women are human beings.