Here at SB Nation, we've spent no small amount of time figuring out every angle on Super Bowl XLV and its two teams, the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers. We have resolved to leave no stone unturned, and in this spirit, I ask the following: what would be the impact if the Packers started a 1987 Ford Taurus as a wideout?
Believe it or not, I didn't realize the Packers' receiving corps' link between "car" and Donald "Driver" until after posing this question. Let's assume, for the sake of ease, that the car will be driven by Donald Driver.
The 1987 Taurus was a fine machine in its day. It was among the first consumer-class automobiles to feature a more rounded chassis, and was available in many colors. Would these assets pose a disadvantage to the Steelers' secondary?
Well, let's take a look "under the hood" (automobile term) and see what Troy Polamalu and the Pittsburgh backfield would be up against.
Engine: 3-liter V6
Transmission: 4-speed automatic
Assembled: Hapeville, Georgia
Color: any color, I guess
Power windows? I don't know
Power locks? I don't think it matters in this case
Sunroof? Okay, I think we have all the info we need
Cassette deck? Enough.
Tilt steering wheel? Stop it!
Drink storage? BE QUIET
Warranty? LEAVE ME ALONE
Whatever. Yeah, whatever.
This scenario, of course, assumes that a) the NFL and NFLPA agreed to allow an automobile to play football, and b) that we have the technology to stitch a jersey large enough to fit a full-size sedan.
An automobile does not have hands; in order to catch the ball, the ball would have to be thrown through one of the rolled-down windows. I know what you're thinking: why not just leave all four windows rolled down? Well, that presents the danger of the ball going in one window and out through the other side. Don't you know anything about cars?
The problem is that cars have all four limbs, or wheels, on the ground at all times. That means a defender simply has to tag the car, rather than trying to tackle it.
Aaron Rodgers would miss having Donald Driver at wideout, and a car, while capable of drawing flags and clearing lanes downfield, could really only run screens or slant routes, given the orientation of its windows.
THE VERDICT: Steelers 34, Packers 10. I just don't see a football-playing car working out at all. This is silly. Whoever asked this question to begin with is silly.