After a tumultuous offseason that included multiple arrests, Tennessee Titans WR Kenny Britt finally made his way to the principal's office for a meeting with Roger Goodell on Tuesday. Afterward, Britt said the meeting "went well" and he's hopeful that he'll escape punishment.
"He didn’t scold me or anything. He was happy — not happy that I was in there for those situations — but he’s a nice type of guy, a very likable guy. We’ll find out sometime later this week what he decides to do. ... He asked me questions about certain situations and I told him what happened. I think it went well. I'm still hoping nothing happens to me."
His most ominous words: "I have a smile on my face, I am still breathing." That's all part of the plan, Kenny. He likes his victims to feel comfortable before they meet the guillotine.
Here's how the meeting probably went.
Roger Goodell: Kenny! How are you? Have a seat, it's great to see you, and I'm glad you could make it up to New York City on such short notice. I hope you know this is just a formality. You know, I just wanted to sit down with you, get your side of the story, and all of our ducks are in a row, so to speak.
Kenny Britt: Oh, okay. That's not exactly what I was...
Goodell: Do you know why you're here, Kenny?
Britt: Well, actually Mr. Goodell...
Goodell: Please! Call me Roger, Kenny.
Britt: Uhh... Okay, Roger. Well I just wanted to come up here to let you know that this summer, and everything that happened, I'm looking to put all that behind me. You know, I just had the best season of my career, and once football let up, the lockout started, I figured I'd let myself live a little...
Goodell: [/sits up in his chair] "Go on..."
Britt: We was at the club every night, partyin like there were no rules. Because football wasn't around, so there were no rules! We had fast cars, we had women... Man, the girls was CRAZY this summer.
Goodell: [/stands, begins walking around the room] "Oh my, I can imagine. A top notch athlete like yourself probably does pretty well for himself when he's out on the town! [/pats Britt on the head]"
Britt: "Well, and, I guess things got a little out of hand for a few months there. I started thinking the law didn't apply to me. Like I didn't have to obey the speed limit, figuratively speaking."
Goodell: "And literally speaking, it seems."
Britt: "Yeah. And literally."
Goodell: "It says here you were involved in a car chase with authorities in New Jersey, after which you got out of the car, and walked away like nothing had happened. Care to explain?"
Britt: "Well, the whole thing was just a misunderstanding. I didn't realize they were chasing me, so I just kept going, and then when I realized they were chasing me, I thought if I just gave up my car, they'd let bygones be bygones, so to speak."
[30 seconds of silence]
Britt: "I was really high at the time."
Goodell: "Aha. So that explains the subsequent drug charge, then."
Goodell: "Right. And what about the other charges in New Jersey?"
Britt: "Well... If you had a cigar full of weed, what would you do?"
Goodell: "You know, son, that's an excellent point. I totally understand. If the cops found me with me, you're gosh darn right I'd try to destroy it! [forces laughter] .... Okay, so we just have a few more things to go over, though. The false license application in Tennessee? What happened there? I'm just going to assume you were (uses airquotes) 'impaired' for that incident, as well."
Britt: "Uh... I don't actually remember, but like I said, this summer was crazy."
Goodell: "Fair enough. And what about this Britney Spears incident? Did you really think that pretending to be handcuffed on stage was a good idea after everything that'd happened?"
Britt: "Those handcuffs were real, actually. I just assumed I was getting arrested again."
Goodell: "HA! I'll take your word for it, buddy. [forces laughter] Sounds like it really was one craaaaazy summer."
Britt: "Yep. One craaaaazy summer."
Goodell: "Did you ever see that movie with John Cusack?"
Britt: "Ah, I must've missed that."
Goodell: "Well, this is off topic, but on a personal note, I bet you'd love it.. It takes place up in Nantucket, and John Cusack and Demi Moore are spending the summer up there, but they actually spend most of their time trying to save her grandfather's house from getting bought up by some greedy... Speaking of which, have you ever summered on Nantucket? It's pretty delightful."
Britt: "Umm... No."
Goodell: "Oh, you should definitely make the trip sometime. You'll love it. But we're getting off track. The point is, you say all this stuff is behind you, right? And you've learned your lesson?"
[Goodell forces a smile]
Goodell: "Well I'm glad to hear it. We'll have some more internal meetings to settle this matter once and for all, but it's been great to hear your side of the story, and I'm sure you're ready to get back on the field as soon as possible, so we'll let you get out of here ASAP."
Britt: "That's it? That wasn't as bad as I expected..."
Goodell: "Please, Kenny! [pats him on the back] I'm really not all I'm cracked up to be. We just needed to talk to you before we make any decisions. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, you're one step closer to being out on the field!"
Britt: [/stands, walks out] "Okay, then!"
Goodell: [/shuts door] "Okay then."
[Goodell, standing alone in his office, begins breathing heavily, smiling]
Goodell: "Just another day at the office..."
[Approximately 72 hours after his meeting in New York City, Kenny Britt is suspended for the entire NFL season, his car is set on fire, his credit cards stop working, and his next of kin is kidnapped.]