By Jon Bois - Featured Contributor

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Aug 29, 2011 - The 2011 NFL season begins in 10 days, and commissioner Roger Goodell has implemented a means by which the league's personalities -- players, coaches, and the commish himself -- can communicate with one another. The chat room, appropriately titled "Football Guys," is meant only to be accessed by NFL types, but we have managed to gain special access. What follows is an invaluable peek into the top-secret underbelly of the NFL.

Just kidding. It is a fake chat room!

	**Online Host** Welcome to NFL Chat!
	DudeYoureGettingGoodell: ok guys, set you up with a chat room, thought it might could be nice if you guys had a chat room where you can talk w/ y'all and whatnot
	Shonngreene-La: "whatnot" who the f says "whatnot," how much of a g-d ole ass man you gotta be to say "whatnot"
	BNE;: 400 HUNDRET YEARE OLT
	DudeYoureGettingGoodell: what's wrong with sayin "whatnot"
	User183835: Its just something someones grandma would say. Its like starting a sentence with "what say we"
	DudeYoureGettingGoodell: Michael, you are encouraged to set up your own account with your own screen name
	User183835: Eh
	DudeYoureGettingGoodell: set-up should only take five to ten minutes
	User183835: Listen man im sure that your online form thing is worlds of fun but half the time i dont even flush the toilet anymore
	User183835: Alright lunchtime
	DudeYoureGettingGoodell: it's 9:30 in the morning
	User183835: /unscrews top of yellow mustard squeeze bottle, crumbles in saltine crackers, drinks
	DudeYoureGettingGoodell: welp feel like this'll be a good place for us all to get together & talk about what's what, chat about this & that, maybe say some hey 'bout the last big game that happened, have football players talk to one another & be pals
	DudeYoureGettingGoodell: talk about the football games & football
	DrainageBasin: yeah, but why a chat room? People don't really use chat rooms anymore. Setting up a proprietary forum just for us is... weird.
	Shonngreene-La: yeah are you doing this just cause baseball does it?
	DudeYoureGettingGoodell: The Dugout was the inspiration for this chat room, yes
	DrainageBasin: well, way to come up with the one chat room name that could possibly be any more f***ing generic than "The Dugout"
	DudeYoureGettingGoodell: OK well we can call it something other than "Football Guys" if y'all would prefer we call it something else, call it by another name & so forth
	DudeYoureGettingGoodell: this was the list of other ideas Things That Occur In Football Football Untitled.txt Roger Goodell N.F.L. N.F.L.! Casual Racism, Excused Google Googlecom
	Shonngreene-La: Football Guys is fine i guess
	BNE;: CAT ROM.
	SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: yo what is up with this dude
	BNE;: HAVE GAINT FACE.
	DudeYoureGettingGoodell: oh, this is Ben Roethlisberger, who can't properly type and doesn't know how to re-size his profile image because he's a giant stupid weirdo creep
	SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: does anyone like him
	DudeYoureGettingGoodell: yeah, he is cheered on by other people who are also giant creeps
	SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: ick
	BNE;: GNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
	DudeYoureGettingGoodell: so anyways guys, i hope you guys can talk & have fun conversations in here, have discussions bout this + that, talk about football games that happened or are currently goin on or are bout to happen, talk bout what you think might happen in football, be a football player & discuss football w/like jobbed individuals
	User183835: Well thanks i guess for this crap copycat ripoff chat room, i look forward to conversing with shallow one-dimensional personalities, should be a real blast
	**OnlineHost** Kyle Farnsworth has entered the chat room.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: get ready to baptize yer eyes, the apron saint kyle farnsworth has meander'd cross the chat mansion an into another chat room
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: wait wtf is this place
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: why is nobody wearen hats, why is everyone boring, is this a chat room for people who work at thorntons
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i guess ill just have a grape 5 hour energy
	DrainageBasin: They all basically taste the same, the flavor doesn't matter.
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: shut yer lego head face up, wtf would you know of energy drink flavor profiles, you look like a goddam space police
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: can you cuss in here
	SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: sort of
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: can you say the f word
	SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: not really
	pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /wank
	**OnlineHost** Kyle Farnsworth has left the chat room.
	DudeYoureGettingGoodell: OK so does anyone in here have any actual opinions about football
	Shonngreene-La: nnnnnnope
	BNE;: /eats raw potato

Football Guys is a spinoff of The Dugout, a baseball-oriented series of cussy chat room conversations created in 2004 by Jon Bois, Brandon Stroud, and Nick Dallamora. You can read the latest installments of The Dugout at With Leather.

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Jon Bois

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You have never read a sportswriter more recently than Jon Bois. He is an associate editor at SB Nation, he is an enthusiast of the Chiefs, Braves, and Royals, and he lives in Louisville, Kentucky.

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