HOUSTON - SEPTEMBER 11: Quarterback Kerry Collins #5 of the Indianapolis Colts warms up before playing the Houston Texans at Reliant Stadium in a season opener on September 11, 2011 in Houston, Texas. (Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images)
If the Indianapolis Colts were a weapon in the classic video game Goldeneye 007, which would they be? We answer this very question in the inaugural edition of Sunday School. (The Klobb, probably.)
What follows will doubtlessly make more sense to you if you are intimately familiar with the multiplayer mode of Goldeneye 007, the greatest video game in the history of Earth. In what follows, I assign Goldeneye-style superlatives to the teams who deserved it on the first Sunday of the NFL's regular season.
MOST DEADLY: BALTIMORE RAVENS.
Practically every Ravens-Steelers game is memorable for one reason or another. This one was memorable by virtue of one AFC superpower completely sonning another. It was some after-the-bell, late-afternoon, "your teacher screeches a chair over to your desk and sits in it backwards and asks you what's the matter" stuff, and the Steelers were the second-grader, sobbing into a pencil box full of wadded-up notes written by his mother that he is too embarrassed to show anyone. BLAM. Here is this video again.
By my count, I've posted this video on this site... three times? Not enough times.
Spirit Goldeneye weapon: RC-P90
MARKSMANSHIP AWARD: CAM NEWTON.
In the months between Cam Newton's heroic Auburn campaign and his NFL debut, most NFL pundits happily dismissed him as an unready newborn rookie baby clown. (Baby clowns should be illegal. Not sure whether this is actually a problem in our society. Probably isn't.) Newton destroyed all expectations in the process of throwing for a league-high 422 yards, which is higher than any single-game total he passed for during his college career.
Spirit Goldeneye weapon: AR-33 Assault Rifle
MOST PROFESSIONAL: DETROIT LIONS.
This is no longer a team of hobbyists. Matt Stafford is a dangerous individual, especially when he's allowed to partner up with Calvin Johnson to the extent he did Sunday. Jahvid Best is probably not a stud back, exactly, but he's talented enough to compel opposing defense to care about the Lions' running game.
There used to be a reliable truth in this league, that truth being that the worst teams wore the best uniforms. Well, a few years ago, the Saints rose to prominence, and now the Lions are looking like a team that will contend for a playoff spot. The Lions have no respect for my obsessive lame-ass little rules.
Spirit Goldeneye weapon: Silenced PP7. You're going to sleep on it, and it's going to kill you.
MOST HONORABLE: HOUSTON TEXANS.
The Texans beat the rival Colts, 34-7. The Colts have been the profoundly superior team for the entire history of the Texans' existence, and a less honorable team surely would have run up the score until dinnertime. Matt Schaub and company were kind enough to allow a 34-0 halftime lead to stand on its own, and refrain from scoring further points.
Please note that I am not necessarily speaking highly of the Texans here. The Colts are an eminently hate-able team and they hail from Mashed Potatoes: The City, which is comprised of 300 O'Charley's, four interstates, a Target, and 350 square miles of recently rolled-out Bermuda grass that slides around like an upside-down doormat when you walk on it. This team, of all teams, has dominated for a decade. If you have the opportunity to embarrass the Jesus out of this team, you take it.
Spirit Goldeneye weapon: Automatic shotgun. They're decent enough to approach you at close range before blowing you to Hell.
LEMMING AWARD: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS.
Here's my impression of the Indianapolis Colts. Ready? Are you ready for my impression of them? Here is my impression of them: "durrrrrrrr what's one plus one i don't know because i'm stupid lol."
Spirit Goldeneye weapon: Mine detonator (you are out of mines)
MOST COWARDLY: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS.
What a bunch of losers.
Spirit Goldeneye weapon: Proximity mines that you place on boxes of ammo, after which you pick up the ammo box so that the mine disappears along with it only to re-appear when the ammo regenerates so that it kills you and is completely cheap and unfair, like my brother used to always do
WHERE'S THE ARMOR?: INDIANAPOLIS COLTS.
All right, so it's obvious that I have wrapped all my objectivity and rationality in a blanket and beaten it with a pipe until dead and thrown it off the top of the cathedral under cloak of darkness. But seriously: watching Kerry Collins not get the five minutes of protection he evidently needed was sort of cringe-inducing, or would have been if my seething hatred of the Indianapolis Colts would allow me to do so for even one second.
Spirit Goldeneye weapon: Ourumov's briefcase. Remember when you kill Ourumov in the Silo level and you can pick up his briefcase, but the briefcase doesn't do anything and serves absolutely zero purpose in the game? That!
WHERE'S THE AMMO?: DONOVAN MCNABB.
I love McNabb a lot, largely because he has taken an almost impossible amount of completely unfair and racist and stupid shit for his entire career, and a lesser man would have just hauled off and decked someone's teeth out by now. That is why I take no special pleasure in speaking ill of him here. Seriously, friend. 7-of-15 for 39 yards. 39 yards! Why are we building stadiums for you? You could have done that in a Walgreens.
Spirit Goldeneye weapon: Hunting knife. No idea why that was even in the game.
MOSTLY HARMLESS: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS.
Welp. Thanks for being good and fun and exciting for exactly one year, you guys. You are the Lost of football teams. Check out all these popular culture references, you guys. Humor. All right, I need to stop talking about the Chiefs because it's making me cranky as all get out.
Spirit Goldeneye weapon: DD44 Dostevei, which I love even though it kind of sucks
MOST FRANTIC: NEW YORK JETS.
If I could somehow start my NFL fandom from scratch and shed every single item of prejudice, hate and love that clings to my hull like algae, it's quite possible that I would be a Jets fan. Their seasons end with beautiful, delightful tragicomedy, and their regular seasons are chock full of amusement-parky stuff like Sunday night's game, in which Rex Ryan's friends and well-wishers scored 17 points in the fourth quarter to knock off the Cowboys.
One of these days it's going to register internally with me that they're a New York team and start hating them reflexively, but at this juncture it just doesn't seem that way.
Spirit Goldeneye weapon: Grenade launcher. Pull the trigger a bunch of times and run away and hope everyone else dies.