Football Guys: Welcome To The 'Losing Week 1 Quarterbacks' Chat Room!

Some of Week 1's losing quarterbacks played well. Others were so bad that someone probably should have called the police. In today's installment of Football Guys, Chad Henne, Ben Roethlisberger, and others try to make sense of it all.

In the first week of the 2011 NFL season, there were many different flavors of losing. The Dolphins lost despite Chad Henne throwing for over 400 yards. In the Vikings' loss, Donovan McNabb completed seven passes. Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was eaten alive by the Ravens' defense, and Kerry Collins' Colts offense resembled a starving 19th-century pioneer family.

 In today's installment of the Football Guys chat room, they all just sort of whine about it for a while without providing any sort of resolution. Enjoy!

 

  **Online Host**
Welcome to Losing Quarterbacks Chat!

Chadhenne_medium

TupeloHenne: Everyone, if we could, uh

 

/bangs gavel

Elimanning_medium

 ToddFlanders: is that a Bop It

Chadhenne_medium

 TupeloHenne: yes. yes, it is a Bop It.
Bopit_medium  BopIt: BOP IT

Elimanning_medium

 ToddFlanders: why are you using a Bop It as a gavel

Chadhenne_medium

 TupeloHenne: As a condition of the new collective bargaining agreement, losing quarterbacks must substitute children's games and toys for normal objects whenever practicable.

Chadhenne_medium

 TupeloHenne: Mr. McNabb is writing a transcript of this meeting on a Tomy Tutor Play Computer.
Donovanmcnabb_medium

 DonovaDead: /sits and stares at Tomy Tutor Play Computer

Tomytutor_medium

/bursts into tears

Elimanning_medium

 ToddFlanders: is everything all right? why are you crying?
Donovanmcnabb_medium

 DonovaDead: nothing's all right, i'm Donovan McNabb

and i'm always crying because everyone hates me for no reason, i just want to be good at the football and have people like me without saying "hey look at the lazy cowardly vomiting black idiot, look at how black he is, i hate him"

also crying because this Tomy Tutor Play Computer is making me seriously nostalgic over here

/wails, bangs head against keyboard

 

Elimanning_medium

 ToddFlanders: You can actually stay that way if you want. The keyboard is stylized to look as though it has a bunch of different keys, but they're all attached. It's basically just one big key that makes the ding noise.
Donovanmcnabb_medium

 DonovaDead: i remember that. that's so true. metaphor for society. it was trying to warn me

/muffled sobs

Chadhenne_medium

 TupeloHenne: That is sort of weird. I mean, I hate you for absolutely no reason. It's reflexive, like sneezing. I look at you and I kind of just want to shriek "CHOKE ARTIST" over and over and throw rotten fruit at you.
Donovanmcnabb_medium

DonovaDead: YEP

/wails

Bne_medium

  BNE;: RACICM OVER. PC PLOICE

TSOP CRYING/

Bne_medium  BNE;: /devours Yak Bak

Chadhenne_medium

  TupeloHenne: Everyone, let's come to order, please.

/bangs Bop It

Bopit_medium

 BopIt: TWIST IT

Chadhenne_medium

 TupeloHenne: please disregard any and all instructions issued by the Bop It

Chadhenne_medium

 TupeloHenne: The question, of course, is how we win next week, and avoid having to report to this chat room again next week. So let's go around the room and share what we've learned.
 

Chadhenne_medium

 TupeloHenne: I'll start:

I threw for 875 yards, ran for 400 yards, drove all of my teammates' mothers to the hospital in the 1980s so that they could be born, and invented the game of football, and I still lost, so I just sort of figure that there's some verse in the Bible that is like "oh yeah and another thing, screw Chad Henne, now what was I saying about throwing rocks at children," and that I'm going to lose forever and ever.

Donovanmcnabb_medium  

DonovaDead: i lost because i only threw 15 passes. i would have thrown more but i couldn't stop crying

which, usually that's fine, i'm used to simultaneously playing and crying, but this time i was crying so hard that i was getting drool and snot all over my hands, so of course that got all over the ball, and it was just really hard to throw after that

Elimanning_medium

 ToddFlanders: Wait, so I think I get it now. You're not, like, a weak crybaby. You're a grown man who is making huge heaving grown man wails of agony because the world is awful.
Donovanmcnabb_medium

 DonovaDead: yeah

hey did you know that the latest research shows that all the bugs you've ever killed probably had souls

oh god please excuse me again /sobs

Chadhenne_medium

 TupeloHenne: Kerry Collins! Kerry, we haven't heard from you yet.

Kerrycollins_medium

 MrCollinsOpus: well you know football is a lot like feeding ducks

Chadhenne_medium

 TupeloHenne: No it isn't. That isn't true at all.

Kerrycollins_medium

 MrCollinsOpus: OK well that's all well and good, but i REALLY like feeding ducks

Elimanning_medium

 ToddFlanders: lol @ someone being anything more than briefly interested in feeding ducks

Kerrycollins_medium

MrCollinsOpus: hear me out though

Chadhenne_medium

 TupeloHenne: Okay, yes. We're being unfair. We'll let you make your point.

Kerrycollins_medium

 MrCollinsOpus: well you see, every time i go out on the field, i treat it just as i do back home, feeding the ducks

Chadhenne_medium

 TupeloHenne: Ah! I see. So in terms of keeping your composure, you think of--

Kerrycollins_medium

 MrCollinsOpus: i literally don't play football and just throw bread everywhere

Chadhenne_medium

 TupeloHenne: damn it dude

Kerrycollins_medium

 MrCollinsOpus: unfortunately i took a lot of hard hits and was left with a ruptured spleen, a fractured lung, a punctured jaw, and a kneecap hernia, although i somehow also ended up with three femurs

Kerrycollins_medium

 MrCollinsOpus: will this impact my ability to nourish ducks in week 2? we'll have to wait until sunday to find out!!!!
Bne_medium  BNE;: /snorts Gak

Football Guys is a spinoff of The Dugout, a baseball-oriented series of cussy chat room conversations created in 2004 by Jon Bois, Brandon Stroud, and Nick Dallamora. You can read the latest installments of The Dugout at With Leather.

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