Football Guys: The Chiefs Are Totally Screwed Forever

At the moment, the Kansas City Chiefs are perhaps the saddest team in the NFL. Forget having enough players on their depth chart. At this rate, they'll probably run out of nouns.

At some point I had to write an installment of Football Guys about my Kansas City Chiefs, who at this juncture are the saddest team in the NFL. Running back Jamaal Charles, tight end Tony Moeaki, and safety Eric Berry are each critically important members of the Chiefs' roster, and all three are lost for the season with injuries.

They are 0-2, and have been outscored by an 89-10 margin. In the NFL, it's almost impossible to be any worse. A year ago, when the Chiefs were running on all cylinders and headed for the playoffs, I began to entertain the notion that the Chiefs might conceivably win a Super Bowl before I turned 30.

Now I sort of hold the idle "I wonder if we'll send a man to Mars" sort of hope that they'll win a Super Bowl before I'm dead. I quit smoking and I exercise regularly. I'm giving these assholes as many chances as I can, but I still don't really know if they'll ever pull it together.

Here are a bunch of Chiefs guys saying a lot of things that sure aren't very smart!

 

  **Online Host**
Welcome to Kansas City Chiefs Chat!

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow: All right, you guys. We have one piece of good news and like 400 pieces of bad news to go over.

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow: The good news is that I continue to be sort of vaguely handsome in a "Bruce Willis from Moonlighting" sort of way.

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow: The bad news is that our team is ruined and broken forever and that we're all going to die.

Mattcassel_medium

 CasselIntheSky: wait what?

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow: well yeah, I mean, eventually.

Mattcassel_medium

 CasselInTheSky: but only if you are eaten by wolfs

Toddhaley_medium

  ToddHaleyShow: I mean, I guess that's one way you could die, yes, but there are like 40,000 different ways you could die

Dwaynebowe_medium

 SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: like FDR. he was just sitting around and then he died

he died because of chairs

Mattcassel_medium

 CasselInTheSky: wait you can die like that? that's bulls*** :(

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow: wait, so did you really think that the reason there aren't 3,000-year-old people walking around is because we have a huge wolf problem

Mattcassel_medium

 CasselInTheSky: well; however; on the other hand; if your head gets bit off by wolfs, then you will be dead

Dwaynebowe_medium

 SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: that's a really good point

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow: OK enough, we really need to start going over the depth chart

Dwaynebowe_medium

 SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: wait, how would multiple wolves simultaneously bite your head off

Mattcassel_medium

 CasselInTheSky: wolf teamwork

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow: YES THANK YOU THAT WILL BE ALL

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow: We're more or less the same at quarterback, with you listed as the starting quarterback ahead of Tyler Palko, Ricky Stanzi, and Mark Vlasic.
Markvlasic_medium

 FakeVlasicTrees: /wears giant-ass cage facemask

/does jumping jacks and stretching exercises and other nerd-ass s*** that nobody has done since like 1995

Dwaynebowe_medium

 SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: hahaha why do we have Mark Vlasic

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow: We intended on drafting Jimmy Clausen and mistakenly drafted Vlasic instead.

Dwaynebowe_medium

 SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: y'all can't be getting your pickle brands all f***ed up like that

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow: Our depth at running back is more problematic. With Jamaal Charles out, the depth chart looks like this:

1. Thomas Jones
2. DexterMcCluster
3. Jackie Battle maybe, I don't know
4. Donnell Bennett?
5. Percy Snow???
6. A grocery bag full of incompatible off-brand Lego bricks
7. A charcoal drawing of an old man sitting in a rocking chair

Mattcassel_medium

 CasselInTheSky: Better Blocks, more like Worse Blocks

Dwaynebowe_medium

 SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: Lesser Blocks

Mattcassel_medium

 CasselInTheSky: yeah more like Lesser Blocks

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow: With Tony Moeaki out, tight end is especially tough for us this season.

1. Leonard Pope
2. Eric Hosmer
3. Tim Krumrie
4. An empty glass bottle of a foreign cola that contains the final gasps of a dead tyrant
5. An idle musing concerning how long a particular Radio Shack has been at that particular location
6. A story I once heard about a man who had a lot of money, and he just walked around the streets of New York and just gave everyone money, and then someone just robbed him anyway, not sure if it's true, I heard it on Paul Harvey once
7. The as-yet undocumented phobia of ever going outside or sitting on heavy furniture, for fear that gravity could suddenly start working in reverse at any moment
8. A guy in a weird costume!
9. Without
10. Very
11. Run
12. Interesting
13. Five

Dwaynebowe_medium

 SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: OK see a lot of those aren't even things

i feel as though tight ends should definitely be nouns

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow: Ideally, yes

Dwaynebowe_medium

 SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: i mean seriously, i have a bunch of nouns at my house. like lamps and dishes and shit. i could go get them right now

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow: Actually yes, that would be great

Brandonflowers_medium

 FlowersForAlgernon: OK, so, what is our defensive depth chart looking like? Eric Berry is hurt.

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow: Indeed. As the second most important safety in Kansas City Chiefs history with a fruit-themed name, his loss was a tremendous blow to our defense.

Brandonflowers_medium

 FlowersForAlgernon: What is Deron Cherry doing these days, anyway?

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow: I don't actually know, but whenever I picture what a retired Chief is doing these days, for some reason I picture him in some super-vague consulting or real estate job, sitting in an office with fake wood paneling in Lenexa, Kansas, hands folded in front of him on the desk, and just staying that way and doing absolutely jack shit

So that I guess

Toddhaley_medium

ToddHaleyShow: Anyway, here is our defensive depth chart if you actually want to see it

 

Ferrari_medium

Brandonflowers_medium

FlowersForAlgernon: hmm

Yeah that is pretty good

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow: Thanks. It's supposed to be a Ferrari.

Dwaynebowe_medium

 SomewhereOverDwayneBowe: i can definitely tell that it's a Ferrari, it's pretty realistic

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow: Thanks

Brandonflowers_medium

 

FlowersForAlgernon: I just have one suggestion, and I seriously don't mean to be critical at all

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow:  Oh OK

Brandonflowers_medium

 FlowersForAlgernon: I was gonna say that it's not really an F-16. An F-16 is a fighter plane and it doesn't really make any sense to have it there

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow:  Yeah that's a good point. I probably won't include that in my next drawing of a Ferrari

Mattcassel_medium

 CasselInTheSky: the sun is a really nice touch though, makes it realistic

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow:  Thanks

Brandonflowers_medium

 FlowersForAlgernon: You should think about mailing this in to a car magazine. They might print it. They're always looking for car drawings

Toddhaley_medium

 ToddHaleyShow:  Cool thanks, I might do that

 
Football Guys is a spinoff of The Dugout, a baseball-oriented series of cussy chat room conversations created in 2004 by Jon Bois, Brandon Stroud, and Nick Dallamora. You can
read the latest installments of The Dugout at With Leather.

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