NFL Picks, Week 3: The Parity Party Never Stops, And We're All Hood Billionaires

ORCHARD PARK, NY - SEPTEMBER 18: Fans of the Buffalo Bills show their support for their quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick #14 against the Oakland Raiders at Ralph Wilson Stadium on September 18, 2011 in Orchard Park, New York. Buffalo won 38-35. (Photo by Rick Stewart/Getty Images)

Get ready for Week 3 with picks for all of Sunday's games. At the very least, you will be able to mock the author and see all the latest lines from Vegas. Sound good? Let's do it!

It's Week 3 in the NFL, and three 2010 division winners (Chiefs, Seahawks, Colts) are already battling for Andrew Luck, while the Lions, Bills, and Redskins are somehow unbeaten. This only proves what we already knew: the NFL's parity is a beast that cannot be tamed, ever. 

Anyway, while the Colts are the odds-on favorite to have the longest losing streak in football, each of those unbeaten teams has a chance to solidify their reputation against division rivals this week. A win this weekend could turn the Redskins, Bills, or Lions into legit contenders. And if we're playing the odds, at least one of them won't embarrass themselves on Sunday.

But which one???

Let's skip the intro and get straight to the picks. As always, all picks in BOLD.

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New England at Buffalo (+9) ... We knew coming into last Sunday that whoever won the Raiders-Bills game was going to come out of it at 2-0 with half the world saying, "Whoa hey now, watch out for the  _______". And sure enough, that's exactly what's happened.

"Don't underestimate the Harvard kid!" says everyone.

Ryan Fitzpatrick's been called underrated so many times that he's becoming a little overrated. Same goes for the Bills. They're a good team who should win eight or nine games this season, and as I said Monday, Bills games will be a lot of fun to watch all year long.

But Tom Brady's passed for 940 yards in two games, and this week he's facing Leodis McKelvin, Terrence McGee Drayton Florence, Jairus Byrd, and George Wilson in the Buffalo secondary. It could get ugly.

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New York Giants at Philadelphia (-9) ... What if Michael Vick were white? Who knows, you guys. But if LeSean McCoy were white, that would be the funniest name for a white guy in NFL history.

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Houston at New Orleans (-4) ... Good God this game will be fun to watch. Any game with Drew Brees is fun to watch, but when the Saints play a team that can score, the entertainment triples.

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San Francisco at Cincinnati (-2.5) ... Do people remember how good Michael Crabtree was at Texas Tech? They do, right? He was a one man wrecking crew his entire career, and this is still one of the coolest college football plays of all time. That game was on a Saturday night, and that play single-handedly sobered millions of drunk American males who said, "Hold up hold up hold up. Did that seriously just happen? Who is Michael Crabtree?"

Basically, I just wanna know if Michael Crabtree's alive.

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Miami at Cleveland (-1.5) ... But I bet you can't name Cleveland's head coach.

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Pat Shurmur, y'all!

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Jacksonville at Carolina (-3.5) ... Cam Newton has become the best selling point for NFL Sunday Ticket since Chris Johnson, only he gets the ball on every single play, so it's even better. Related: Did you know the Jacksonville Jaguars play two home games on Monday Night Football this year? Somebody at ESPN should be fired over that one. 

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Detroit at Minnesota (+3.5) ... And this one. BLITZ AND BAG 'EM, GUYS.

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Atlanta at Tampa Bay (PK) ... One of these teams is going to win this game and spend the rest of the year in the hunt for a playoff spot. The other one's going 7-9, at best. But Atlanta looked good Sunday night, and Tampa hasn't looked great all year. So... yeah. Right?

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Denver at Tennessee (-7.5) ... A friendly reminder: whenever everybody is thinking the same thing, it's usually wrong. This line opened at (-4.5) and the public bet it up a full three points over the course of the week. I guess a lot of people are high on Matt Hasselbeck after that 300 yard game? Well, he's only thrown for 300+ yards in back-to-back games twice since 2004.

Also, he's Matt Hasselbeck.

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Kansas City at San Diego (-16) ... "Well yeah okay, but as long as they got Matt Cassel under center, you can never count 'em out" = Things nobody has said, ever. 

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Baltimore at St. Louis (+4) ... Okay, you laugh now at how I still love the Rams and think they're one of the most underrated teams in the NFL, but when they win their last nine games and come into the playoffs as the hottest team in football...

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Green Bay at Chicago (+3.5) ... Did you hear that Fox Sports' graphics department got called out for making up fake headlines about Jay Cutler to run during a "Cutler trying to prove the critics wrong" segment? Pretty unbelievable, yes. But it's even more unbelievable that this is what the master manipulators at Fox Sports came up with:

Cutler Leaves With Injury
Cutler Lacks Courage
Cutler’s No Leader

Like, really?

They couldn't even throw in a curveball like, "Cutler: Heart Of A Coward, Arm Of A Cripple"? Or maybe some classic rhetorical questions like, "Is Jay Cutler What's Wrong With America?" or, "Is Jay Cutler The Dane Cook Of The NFL?" If they were gonna fake it, they could've at least been creative.

Either that, or instead of newspaper columns they could have just googled "Jay Cutler LOL".

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Arizona at Seattle (+3.5) ... We could talk about this game, or we could all go back and re-read various excerpts from that awesome, completely overlooked NFL groupie article than ran a few weeks ago.

"Now, not every baby mama is a groupie, but you see a lot of women seeking the benefits of NFL players. I try to be fair that women are naturally attracted to successful men and that [includes] athletes. But now with groupies, it’s a bigger beast."

"I’ve had a waitress see that I’m big by my size. Once she took my credit card for the meal, she remembered my name or wrote it down or whatever and gave me my receipt. Within five minutes of leaving the restaurant, I get hit up on Twitter, and it’s her with a nude twitpic talking bout 'This is what I look like fresh out the shower after work.'" 

"I was at a DC club with a couple well-known guys. We’re at the table chilling, and two girls walk up to us. One of them was playing shy, and the other just came right out and said whoever gets up first is coming home with me tonight. No one got up, we just looked at her and busted out laughing.

And since Darnell Dockett's definitely pretty entrenched in the groupie culture, the Cards are my pick.

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New York Jets at Oakland (+3.5) ... Just a gut feeling here. The Jets are 2-0 and not quite as good as they probably think they are, and the Raiders are definitely better than the Jets think they are. It's too bad everybody forgot about Darren McFadden after his first two years, because he's actually looking pretty incredible right now.

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Pittsburgh at Indianapolis +11 ... COLT SHOWERS.

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Washington at Dallas (-5) ... I don't understand how @si_vault doesn't have 10,000,000 followers on Twitter by now. We'll talk more about this game on Monday. Until then, there's never a bad time to relive the 1970s.

OVERALL RECORD: 19-11-1 ... "I''m a hood billionaire" - Rick Ross

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