Football Guys: Tony Romo Suffers From Flagging Restaurant Sales

On Monday night, 32-year-old rookie kicker Dan Bailey scored 18 points. What were the rest of the Cowboys doing, then? The answer is found in today's Football Guys chat room.

Meet Dan Bailey, 32-year-old rookie kicker for the Cowboys. You did not know who he was before Monday night, when he scored all 18 of the Cowboys' points to secure a terrifically ugly 18-16 win over the Redskins.

The rest of the Cowboys did not score any points or do anything at all, because they were too busy attempting to overhaul the business model of Tony Romo's faltering international chain of restaurants. This and more, in today's installment of Football Guys:

(Note: Dan Bailey doesn't have an official headshot, so I simply Google "dan bailey" and used the first photo I found.)

  **Online Host**
Welcome to Dallas Cowboys Chat!

Tonyromo_medium

TonyRomosBarAndGrill: Okay guys, listen. Sales at my national chain of restaurants are on the decline, and--

Dezbryant_medium  DezNotCompute: Wait, how are you even up and walking around? I thought one of your ribs broke off and stabbed you in the lung. Seems like that would be a pretty serious thing.

Tonyromo_medium

 TonyRomosBarAndGrill: Oh man. Oh man oh man oh man. This is the perfect setup.

We are discussing a quarterback rib, and my restaurant is well-known for its baby back ribs, and

Tonyromo_medium

TonyRomosBarAndGrill: /fumbles joke

Tonyromo_medium

 TonyRomosBarAndGrill: I need to get a new snap count.
Dezbryant_medium  DezNotCompute: don't you mean you need to get a new "oh snap" count
Dezbryant_medium  DezNotCompute: lol
Dezbryant_medium  DezNotCompute: sorry

Tonyromo_medium

 TonyRomosBarAndGrill: hey no that was pretty good

Anyway. Sales at Tony Romo's are down 10 percent over the last quarter. What is the customer experience missing?

Jasonwitten_medium  WittenForGodot: do you have silferware & knifes & all that stuff

Tonyromo_medium

 TonyRomosBarAndGrill: yes
Jasonwitten_medium  WittenForGodot: do you have plates or do yall just say "here is food" and mash it into their face & bodys

Tonyromo_medium

 TonyRomosBarAndGrill: yes, no, we have plates
Jasonwitten_medium  WittenForGodot: does the menu say about food items & such or is it just a story bout a young man who comes of age in a war

Tonyromo_medium

 TonyRomosBarAndGrill: OK yes, yes, we have every basic restaurant thing that most restaurants have. Do you have any actual suggestions
Jasonwitten_medium   WittenForGodot: give money & gold to yr customers!!!!! throw them partys

Tonyromo_medium

 TonyRomosBarAndGrill: sigh

Anyone else

Jasongarrett_medium

 KingOfGarrettFlowers: I don't know, but just real quick, nobody's scoring points because we're busy talking about Tony's restaurant.

Tonyromo_medium

 TonyRomosBarAndGrill: oh yeah, uh

/looks around

You! You there! Hello, sir! What's your name?

Danbailey_medium

 DontStopBaileyDan: oh hi my name is Dan Bailey

Tonyromo_medium

 TonyRomosBarAndGrill: And how are you enjoying your meal?

Danbailey_medium

  DontStopBaileyDan: i like it just fine! my wifey ordered the shrimp platter with a delicious walnut salad, and i'm having the--

Tonyromo_medium

 TonyRomosBarAndGrill: Yes okay great, you are our 5 millionth customer tonight, and a gesture of our gratitude we are going to let you score all the points for the Dallas Cowboys tonight!

Danbailey_medium

 DontStopBaileyDan: oh well i just don't know about that, i don't know much about football, i'm just a regular fella who wanted to take his wifey out to a nice dinner andWHOA HEY
   **OnlineHost** Tony Romo has shoved Dan Bailey out of the chatroom.

Tonyromo_medium

  TonyRomosBarAndGrill: problem solved

Jasongarrett_medium

  KingOfGarrettFlowers: Oh! Suggestion! Stop using flatware roll-ups.

Tonyromo_medium

 TonyRomosBarAndGrill: But they make things a lot easier for my servers. Instead of grabbing everything individually and carefully arranging it,  they can just grab all the silverware in the rolled-up napkin and chuck it on the table.

Jasongarrett_medium

  KingOfGarrettFlowers: A lot of things would make it easier for your servers, but Tony Romo's isn't an O'Charley's, you know?

Tonyromo_medium

 TonyRomosBarAndGrill: Okay, yeah, you're probably right.
Jasonwitten_medium  WittenForGodot: DO NOT bludjen yr cust'mers with yr rollin pin
Dezbryant_medium  DezNotCompute: Oh man. I've always wanted to run a restaurant. I think I'd be great at it.
Dezbryant_medium  DezNotCompute: I would start a pizza place where the pizza pies are actually triangle-shaped and you cut the slices into circles!

Tonyromo_medium

 TonyRomosBarAndGrill: That's a pretty neat idea!

Jasongarrett_medium

 KingOfGarrettFlowers: You could also sell batteries on the menu. I'm always running out of batteries, and having them available for purchase to take home with me would sure be convenient.
Dezbryant_medium  DezNotCompute: That would give it a real batteries kind of vibe. I dig it.
    **OnlineHost** Hours later...

Jasongarrett_medium

 KingOfGarrettFlowers: Okay, so we will relocate every restaurant to the insides of abandoned water towers and call it the Food Orb and just hang raw food ingredients from the ceiling with fishing line

Dezbryant_medium

 DezNotCompute: yes, and the customers will swim naked in jello and grasp at them desperately in the pitch darkness

Jasongarrett_medium

 KingOfGarrettFlowers: one lucky customer gets to be the Food Lord. he will be awarded a cloak and an ox femur and a throne and stuff

Dezbryant_medium

 DezNotCompute: after about three hours of this, all the customers will be permitted to leave without paying

Jasongarrett_medium

 KingOfGarrettFlowers: i feel that the combination of low overhead expenses with nightly tributes to the Dark Lord Zuul makes this a can't-miss business venture

Tonyromo_medium

 TonyRomosBarAndGrill: Guys, this... I'm trying not to be blunt, but this seems like the worst idea for a restaurant in the history of the world.


 **OnlineHost** Dan Bailey has entered the chat room.

Danbailey_medium

DontStopBaileyDan: hey fellas! game's over! scored 18 points!

Danbailey_medium

 DontStopBaileyDan: kicked six field goals! ha! didn't think i could do it, but i did it! we won, 18-16!

Tonyromo_medium

 TonyRomosBarAndGrill: wait, who are you again

Jasongarrett_medium

 KingOfGarrettFlowers: this isn't really a restaurant idea, but does anyone feel like putting a glass of water outside and seeing what will happen

Dezbryant_medium

DezNotCompute: it will evaporate

Jasongarrett_medium

 KingOfGarrettFlowers: oh

 
   

Football Guys is a spinoff of The Dugout, a baseball-oriented series of cussy chat room conversations created in 2004 by Jon Bois, Brandon Stroud, and Nick Dallamora. You can read the latest installments of The Dugout at With Leather.

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