Your Worthless No-Count Friend Texts You Updates From His NFL Rewind Party

This year, the NFL is offering an online game-streaming service. It's called NFL Game Rewind, it's $30, and it lets you watch every NFL game online this season. HUGE CATCH: you can't watch the games live. Sunday afternoon games are available midnight-ish on Monday morning, and Monday night games are available on Tuesday nights.

Last weekend, your worthless, no-count friend threw an NFL Game Rewind viewing party. Or, at least, he tried to. Throughout the day, he texted you updates:

11:03 A.M., SUNDAY Hey man. Good job getting football tickets

11:05 Hope you have fun paying a billion dollars for parking and then walking a billion miles just to see tom tupa punt for 3 hours

11:06 Is tom tupa still playing

11:06 Schmo says more like tom tuba. Haha schmo is high already

11:08 Anyway me and schmo are having us an nfl rewind party. All you gotta do is pay 30 dingdongs a month and you can watch all the games. We paid it cause we're kinda swimmin in dough right now

11:09 Schmo just made a hundo bill by selling some kid a playstation box full of bricks. Yeaaaaah baby craigslist rules

11:38 We're turning off the tv and internet now. No spoilers. Gonna keep phone on so i can text you how much fun we're having. And how much of a asswipe you are for not being here

12:40 Ok i just bought a crap ton of beer. They should make a clock where every number on the clock just says beer time

12:41 That way when it ran out of batteries it wouldn't even matter. Schmo is on a battery strike anyways. He's a anarchist

1:09 Damn i guess the game is kicking off about now. Oh well. More time to predrink. 11 hours to go. This is gonna be sicckkkkk

1:24 I was at the liquor store and saw these wussy hipster kids buying some sort of hipster beer. Bought a bunch of it because it's probly like 2 percent alcohol and we're trying not to get wasted too fast

1:25 Still wanna get a little drink to kick things off though. Kind of like a space shuttle needs a rocket at first and then it can just cruise through space like laters y'all

1:32 Me and schmo each took a six pack of two hearted and put them into buckets and had a drink off contest. Schmo won. Gotta burp like nasty though cousin

1:33 It tastes pretty good for a 2 percent beer for stupid hipsters

1:34 Oh shit

1:34 I looked at the label it's 7 percent

1:34 Oh shit

1:48 I am wasted

1:54 Why do you think merv griffen is not on well of fortune

2:06 Alex trebej

2:08 Sbmo says tv is a tool of the state

2:10 Our tv is broke. Shcmo just throw his hamer at it;

2:12 SMACK THE STATE

2:12 SMACK THE STTAE

2:13 Hraj;;,l

6:01 Daaaaaaang cousin its like 6:90 right now

6:03 I just woke up. Schmo been up for like an hour

6:16 Schmo just got some boards, he's trying to board up the doors and windows

6:18 Schmo says that football game spoilers come through radio waves. He says it makes you go crazy and that's what happened to leon lett

6:20 Schmo just told me to text you this: "don't let it happen to you"

6:21 Wait misspelled it: "don't lett it happen to you."

6:22 I dont get it but whatever

6:35 Wait I get it. Hahahahahahaahahahaha

6:37 Schmo ran out of boards to nail to the windows. He only had like 2 boards. Using pizza hut boxes

7:03 I'm bored. Gonna drink again

8:14 What if a punter said he was going to punt but he just didn't punt

8:15 Just stood there and was like "hell no i ain't punting this is my ball."

8:19 I said theyd probably call the cops. But then schmo got mad. Hes talking about the freemasons

8:23 Schmo says the freemasons bought all the clock companies in 1948 and made all the clocks so they'd go real fast

8:25 Schmo says it's actually only 1951 right now. That is messed

8:27 Me and schmo are gonna get a little drunker and then fight the system

10:04 Ok me adn skmo gona fight the system. Clock nazis. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

1:10 P.M., NEXT DAY Yo we just got out of jail. We're just gonna watch the game on demand when we get home

1:13 Crap we can't. I forgot. Last night schmo took the modem and climbed up some house and threw it down some guys chimney. Said it had a video camera in it. Schmo is a real good climber but only when he's real mad at the government. And high

1:15 Nfl rewind is a orwellian nightmare

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