Today in the official unofficial Internet chat room of the NFL, recently-released quarterback David Garrard finds himself in the most terrifying of worlds.
Sep 7, 2011 - In a shocking development, longtime Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback David Garrard was released on Tuesday. Now, from a sober real-world perspective, it is perfectly acceptable, and even noble, to be a free agent quarterback. You are perhaps the 100th best quarterback in the entire world, you probably have a sizeable amount of NFL experience, and in most cases, you are more than secure financially.
In snarky Internetty terms, however, you are a laughable sack of crap who is bad at everything, and these are the terms under which we examine today's Football Guys chat. Sorry, guys. I like all y'all a lot in real life.
| **Online Host** Welcome to Jacksonville Jaguars Chat! |
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AllDelRioGirls: We're the Jaguars, and we strive for nothing but excellence. We owe it to our fans. |
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Quarrarterback: You mean the imaginary fans that reside within the confines of a massive thought experiment in which the Jacksonville Jaguars actually have fans? |
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AllDelRioGirls: Yes. Is it possible for Jaguars fans to resent jokes about how there are no Jaguars fans if there are, in fact, no Jaguars fans in existence to resent such jokes? |
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Quarrarterback: Schrödinger's cat? More like Schrödinger's jaguar! |
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AllDelRioGirls: /stares |
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Quarrarterback: heh |
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AllDelRioGirls: You're fired. |
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Quarrarterback: heh :( |
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AllDelRioGirls: It's for the best. Like I said, we will settle for nothing but the best, and I don't even think you're the best quarterback in the state of North Carolina. |
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Quarrarterback: Jacksonville is in Florida |
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AllDelRioGirls: Wait |
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AllDelRioGirls: Ha, oh man. That is so weird. I feel like I'm a fairly knowledgeable football fan, you know? Like, I watch a game almost every week, read stuff online, all that stuff. |
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AllDelRioGirls: And it's not that I'm completely ignorant of geography. I was kind of a map kid growing up. I can name all the state capitals! I guess I just thought we were in Jacksonville, North Carolina. |
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AllDelRioGirls: Guess I just confused them for the Panthers, since they were both expansion teams in the same year. Wow. And I mean, there are already so many cities of note in Florida that I guess I just forgot about Jacksonville. |
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AllDelRioGirls: Wow. Yeah. Anyway, it's been real, Leftwich. |
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Quarrarterback: but i'm not byron leftwich :( |
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AllDelRioGirls: Oh. Right. Well, uh, congratulations on having giant eyebrows, I hope you find a comfortable spot under the overpass to sleep, and I wish you the best in maneuvering the Machiavellian world of hobo politics. |
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Quarrarterback: but i'm not tiki barber :( |
| **OnlineHost** David Garrard has been booted from the chat room. |
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| **OnlineHost** Welcome to Free Agent Quarterback Chat! |
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Quarrarterback: Uh... hello?
/looks around |
| **OnlineHost** David Garrard is standing in a dimly-lit, dilapidated rec room. |
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WoreMcCownToMWeddin: /turns around /stares /returns attention to arcade machine |
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Quarrarterback: Wait. You're McCown? Why are you here? I thought you just took my starting job. |
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WoreMcCownToMWeddin: /sigh that's Luke McCown. I'm Josh McCown. like half of all free agent quarterbacks are just guys who sound like "Cade McNown" |
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WoreMcCownToMWeddin: little known fact: the invisible slot on every team's depth chart is occupied by Nowncade McNownNownCademan he's real awful |
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Quarrarterback: What game are you playing? |
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WoreMcCownToMWeddin: it's called, um, Fighter Wars |
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Quarrarterback: The screen is flashing "INSERT COIN." You clearly aren't actually playing. |
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WoreMcCownToMWeddin: yes i am /rattles both Player 1 and Player 2 joysticks in indiscriminate directions |
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Quarrarterback: What is that? What did you just do? |
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WoreMcCownToMWeddin: i just shot a bomb. my guy can shoot bombs. |
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Quarrarterback: The game is on the "Winners Don't Use Drugs" screen |
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WoreMcCownToMWeddin: i guess i won |
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Quarrarterback: Dude I have some money if you actually want to play for real |
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WoreMcCownToMWeddin: machine's busted, it just returns coins if you try to put them in |
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Quarrarterback: You mean it |
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WoreMcCownToMWeddin: /turns around /makes large, wild-eyed, terrifying smile IT GIVES YOU YOUR QUARTER BACK /smile disappears /turns back around |
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Quarrarterback: /looks around room |
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SouljaBoyDelhomme: /leans over pool table that is empty except for a cue ball /shoots cue ball directly at rail /throws up arms in disgust /chalks stick /repeats |
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Quarrarterback: What the Hell is this place? |
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LetTheBrodiesHitTheFloor: /holds out hand, palm up /carefully sets dart sideways on hand /jerks hand forward in general direction of dart board |
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BoumansBest: /is a guy from Guess Who |
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Quarrarterback: oh God oh God I have to get out of here |
| **Online Host** JaMarcus Russell has entered the chat room. | |
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RussellAthletic: hi guys
/drags child-size Muppet Babies sleeping bag with stuck zipper in tow |
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LetTheBrodiesHitTheFloor: what happened to your Dick Tracy sleeping bag? |
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RussellAthletic: oh yeah I was staying in a hobo camp, and the hobo king demanded tribute |
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RussellAthletic: what's new with you |
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LetTheBrodiesHitTheFloor: not much, just being 1998 Dave Grohl |
| **Online Host** Welcome to Hobo Camp Chat! |
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TikiChanceOnMe: THIS SHALL BE MY HOBO CROWN |
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TikiChanceOnMe: /places Dick Tracy child's sleeping bag over head |
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TikiChanceOnMe: /sobs |
Football Guys is a spinoff of The Dugout, a baseball-oriented series of cussy chat room conversations created in 2004 by Jon Bois, Brandon Stroud, and Nick Dallamora. You can read the latest installments of The Dugout at With Leather.
2 comments
Comments
You either got SouljaBoyDelhomme right away, or it took you FOREVER. Either way, this is great.
by RandBall's Stu on Sep 7, 2011 1:58 PM EDT reply actions
I can only hope this becomes a weekly feature here at SBN.
by upstate underdog on Sep 7, 2011 4:08 PM EDT reply actions
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