Football Guys: David Garrard And The Chatroom of Misfit Free Agent Quarterbacks

Today in the official unofficial Internet chat room of the NFL, recently-released quarterback David Garrard finds himself in the most terrifying of worlds.

In a shocking development, longtime Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback David Garrard was released on Tuesday. Now, from a sober real-world perspective, it is perfectly acceptable, and even noble, to be a free agent quarterback. You are perhaps the 100th best quarterback in the entire world, you probably have a sizeable amount of NFL experience, and in most cases, you are more than secure financially.

In snarky Internetty terms, however, you are a laughable sack of crap who is bad at everything, and these are the terms under which we examine today's Football Guys chat. Sorry, guys. I like all y'all a lot in real life.

 

  **Online Host**
Welcome to Jacksonville Jaguars Chat!
Jackdelrio_medium AllDelRioGirls: We're the Jaguars, and we strive for nothing but excellence. We owe it to our fans.

Davidgarrard_medium

 Quarrarterback: You mean the imaginary fans that reside within the confines of a massive thought experiment in which the Jacksonville Jaguars actually have fans?

Jackdelrio_medium

 AllDelRioGirls: Yes. Is it possible for Jaguars fans to resent jokes about how there are no Jaguars fans if there are, in fact, no Jaguars fans in existence to resent such jokes?

Davidgarrard_medium

 Quarrarterback: Schrödinger's cat? More like Schrödinger's jaguar!

Jackdelrio_medium

 AllDelRioGirls: /stares

Davidgarrard_medium

 Quarrarterback: heh
 

Jackdelrio_medium

 AllDelRioGirls: You're fired.

Davidgarrard_medium

 Quarrarterback: heh :(

Jackdelrio_medium

 AllDelRioGirls: It's for the best. Like I said, we will settle for nothing but the best, and I don't even think you're the best quarterback in the state of North Carolina.

Davidgarrard_medium

 Quarrarterback: Jacksonville is in Florida

Jackdelrio_medium

 AllDelRioGirls: Wait

Jackdelrio_medium

 AllDelRioGirls: Ha, oh man. That is so weird. I feel like I'm a fairly knowledgeable football fan, you know? Like, I watch a game almost every week, read stuff online, all that stuff.

Jackdelrio_medium

 AllDelRioGirls: And it's not that I'm completely ignorant of geography. I was kind of a map kid growing up. I can name all the state capitals! I guess I just thought we were in Jacksonville, North Carolina.

Jackdelrio_medium

 AllDelRioGirls: Guess I just confused them for the Panthers, since they were both expansion teams in the same year. Wow. And I mean, there are already so many cities of note in Florida that I guess I just forgot about Jacksonville.

Jackdelrio_medium

 AllDelRioGirls: Wow. Yeah. Anyway, it's been real, Leftwich.

Davidgarrard_medium

 Quarrarterback: but i'm not byron leftwich :(

Jackdelrio_medium

 AllDelRioGirls: Oh. Right. Well, uh, congratulations on having giant eyebrows, I hope you find a comfortable spot under the overpass to sleep, and I wish you the best in maneuvering the Machiavellian world of hobo politics.
 

Davidgarrard_medium

 Quarrarterback: but i'm not tiki barber :(
   **OnlineHost** David Garrard has been booted from the chat room.
   **OnlineHost** Welcome to Free Agent Quarterback Chat!

Davidgarrard_medium

Quarrarterback: Uh... hello?

 

/looks around

   **OnlineHost** David Garrard is standing in a dimly-lit, dilapidated rec room.

Joshmccown_medium

 WoreMcCownToMWeddin: /turns around

/stares

/returns attention to arcade machine

Davidgarrard_medium

 Quarrarterback: Wait. You're McCown? Why are you here? I thought you just took my starting job.

Joshmccown_medium

 WoreMcCownToMWeddin: /sigh

that's Luke McCown. I'm Josh McCown. like half of all free agent quarterbacks are just guys who sound like "Cade McNown"

Joshmccown_medium

 WoreMcCownToMWeddin: little known fact: the invisible slot on every team's depth chart is occupied by Nowncade McNownNownCademan

he's real awful

Davidgarrard_medium

 Quarrarterback: What game are you playing?

Joshmccown_medium

 WoreMcCownToMWeddin: it's called, um, Fighter Wars

Davidgarrard_medium

 Quarrarterback: The screen is flashing "INSERT COIN." You clearly aren't actually playing.

Joshmccown_medium

 WoreMcCownToMWeddin: yes i am

/rattles both Player 1 and Player 2 joysticks in indiscriminate directions

Davidgarrard_medium

 Quarrarterback: What is that? What did you just do?

Joshmccown_medium

 WoreMcCownToMWeddin: i just shot a bomb. my guy can shoot bombs.

Davidgarrard_medium

 Quarrarterback: The game is on the "Winners Don't Use Drugs" screen

Joshmccown_medium

 WoreMcCownToMWeddin: i guess i won

Davidgarrard_medium

 Quarrarterback: Dude I have some money if you actually want to play for real

Joshmccown_medium

 WoreMcCownToMWeddin: machine's busted, it just returns coins if you try to put them in

Davidgarrard_medium

 Quarrarterback: You mean it
 

Joshmccown_medium

 WoreMcCownToMWeddin: /turns around

/makes large, wild-eyed, terrifying smile

IT GIVES YOU YOUR QUARTER BACK

/smile disappears

/turns back around

Davidgarrard_medium

 Quarrarterback: /looks around room

Jakedelhomme_medium

 SouljaBoyDelhomme: /leans over pool table that is empty except for a cue ball

/shoots cue ball directly at rail

/throws up arms in disgust

/chalks stick

/repeats

Davidgarrard_medium

 Quarrarterback: What the Hell is this place?
Brodiecroyle_medium

 LetTheBrodiesHitTheFloor: /holds out hand, palm up

/carefully sets dart sideways on hand

/jerks hand forward in general direction of dart board

Toddbouman_medium

 BoumansBest: /is a guy from Guess Who

Davidgarrard_medium

 Quarrarterback: oh God

oh God I have to get out of here

   **Online Host** JaMarcus Russell has entered the chat room.
Jamarcusrussell_medium RussellAthletic: hi guys

 

/drags child-size Muppet Babies sleeping bag with stuck zipper in tow

Brodiecroyle_medium

 LetTheBrodiesHitTheFloor: what happened to your Dick Tracy sleeping bag?
Jamarcusrussell_medium

 RussellAthletic: oh

yeah I was staying in a hobo camp, and the hobo king demanded tribute

 Jamarcusrussell_medium  RussellAthletic: what's new with you

Brodiecroyle_medium

 LetTheBrodiesHitTheFloor: not much, just being 1998 Dave Grohl
   **Online Host** Welcome to Hobo Camp Chat!
Tikibarber_medium  TikiChanceOnMe: THIS SHALL BE MY HOBO CROWN
Tikibarber_medium  TikiChanceOnMe: /places Dick Tracy child's sleeping bag over head
Tikibarber_medium  TikiChanceOnMe: /sobs

Football Guys is a spinoff of The Dugout, a baseball-oriented series of cussy chat room conversations created in 2004 by Jon Bois, Brandon Stroud, and Nick Dallamora. You can read the latest installments of The Dugout at With Leather.

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