The List: Notable offseason arrests of the 2047 Cincinnati Bengals

John Grieshop

The Cincinnati Bengals players get a bad rap for lots of offseason arrests. Just imagine how entertaining those arrests will be in 35 years.

1. Carrying concealed lightsaber

2. Transporting a replicant across state lines

3. Flying jetpack under the influence (FJUI)

4. Piloting magnetic railcar under the influence (PMRUI)

5. Operating teleportation pod under the influence (OTPUI)

6. Roughing the passer

7. Errant public comment about how player would "like to assassinate" President Tebow

8. Intergalactic Bounty Hunter-Gate

9. Neuromancing without a permit

10. Initiating fight with service droid at Cincinnati nightclub

11. Initiating fight with service mutant at Cincinnati nightclub

12. Initiating fight with service C.H.U.D. in Cincinnati sewer nightclub

13. Caught at airport with 10 pounds of MegaWeed in colon (The only strain of marijuana still illegal in 2047)

14. Replacing regular arms with robot arms without the express approval of GoodellBot 9000

15. War crimes (Following the Nike Pro Combat vs. Adidas Literal Combat War of 2045)

16. Bearfighting

17. Disclosing government secrets (Contents of Soylent Green)

18. Holding up ethanol station at blasterpoint

19. Leading a pirate raid on an artificial atoll in search of the map for Dryland

20. Unduly stirring up Morlock unrest

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