NFL Picks, Week 8: The Dallas Cowboys are doomed

Matthew Emmons-US PRESSWIRE

We're back with picks and lines for NFL Week 8, where the Redskins battle the Steelers, the NFL takes over London, and the Cowboys take on the Giants. They will probably win, and that's the problem.

Week 8, let's do it! All picks in bold.

Bucs at Vikings (-6.5) -- Thursday Night Football is just the worst. Always.

Patriots (-7) vs. Rams (London) -- The NFL hits Abbey Road!


British people must be so disgusted. Especially since we send them games like this every year. Rams-Patriots? You Yanks seriously go nuts for this shit? The answer is NO. Nobody in America would've ever watch this game in its entirety. But if we showed the Brits the RedZone channel I bet they'd understand. (Related and always relevant: Patriots fans are still the worst).

Colts at Titans (-3.5) -- Does Tennessee still have one of the best homefield advantages in the league? They do, right? Maybe? Let's hope so. Speaking of the Titans, NASHVILLE is the best bad show on TV. It's basically a soap opera but with country music and Connie Britton. So, it's perfect. Next week the young, evil superstar (Hayden Panettiere) gets busted for stealing nail polish and has to explain herself on Good Morning America.

It's gonna be so bad, and so good.


Jaguars at Green Bay (-14.5) -- This line could be 35 and I'd still be too scared to pick the Jags.

Chargers (-3) at Browns -- It's all Aikman's fault...


Falcons (+3) at Eagles -- BOLD PREDICTION: The Eagles will lose this week, get written off for the rest of the year, and then win 7 of their last 9 to finish 10-6 and win the NFC East, guaranteeing Andy Reid and Michael Vick at least one more year in Philadelphia.

Seahawks (+2.5) at Lions -- Courtesy of Matt Ufford, this is the best thing on the internet this week:


Panthers (+7.5) at Bears -- It was nice this week to see people start juxtaposing the Cam Newton shitstorm with Matt Stafford. Stafford's been just as bad in his fourth year as Cam's been in his second, only there haven't been 10,000 First Take segments dedicated to Stafford's "maturity".

Cam's had all kinds of problems--he's 2-12 in goal-to-go situations, with two interceptions--but he's not the first quartback in history to take a step back. And as bad as he's been, the Panthers' running game has been worse, and the receivers are a mess. It's not like Cam's the missing piece for an offensive juggernaut. They are asking him to be a miracle worker, and -- unlike, say, RG3 -- he can't do it.

That doesn't mean he's fundamentally flawed, just that he needs a running game to be successful. Imagine how bad Ben Roethlisberger would've looked those first few years in Pittsburgh if he hadn't had a dominant running game and great receivers surrounding him. Give Cam time and help, and he could still be everything everyone expected all along. For now, please.

Also: The Brandon Marshall-Jay Culter buddy cop movie is now a romantic comedy.

Dolphins (+2.5) at Jets -- Okay, seems like everyone's too high on this Jets team now. They are better than you think, but they're still not good.

Redskins (+4.5) at Steelers -- The Game of The Millennium of the Week! That preview is just so pretty every week. Here's to everyone enjoying RGIII Sunday, because he's by far the most exciting player in the league and he's somehow turned every Redskins game into appointment television. Bonus points this week because we can all root for him to take down the awful Steelers.


Skinsitude. SKINSITUDE. As always, let's just hope RGIII doesn't die.

Raiders (+1.5) at Chiefs -- This video of Kanye in 1998 was floating around this week (1:50-mark):

But don't let wide-eyed Kanye steal the show. Can we please talk about that first interview? With Ma$e and Harlem World? Or more to the point, can we go back to the era in hip-hop when it was acceptable to ask rap stars: "Was you hittin, what's her name? Brandy? We gotta know."

And then: "Who got the finest herb everywhere you been?"

And then they go one-by-one and as each Harlem World rapper shouts out "All Out Records" which ultimately existed for like, nine months or something, and then Kanye comes on. It's just an incredible scene. WHY WEREN'T WE ALL AT JERMAINE DUPRI'S BIRTHDAY PARTY IN 1998?

Late-90s hip-hop will never be topped.

Saints at Broncos (-6) -- Via KSK, HAIL PEYTON.


We all need one of those shirts. And since we're talking about the Broncos, here's a reminder to go check out our interview with Von Miller from earlier this week. He explains his tattoo, and his tattoo pretty much explains the world:

I got a minor in poultry science, with chickens and turkeys. That's where the chicken leg came from. And that's just the basic necessities in life. You got money, you can't really... I mean you can do a lot of things without money, but money sure does make a lot of things easier. And the chicken stands for meat--you have to eat, you have to have the necessities. And the watermelon stands for the sweet stuff in life, that comes with gettin' the meat, and having the funds to do so.

49ers (-7) at Cardinals -- Monday Night Football. Get excited!

Giants at Cowboys (+2.5) -- Okay, we saved this game for last because I'm a Cowboys fan and need to vent a little bit. The Cowboys are so obnoxious. They never stop torturing their fans. OF COURSE Sean Lee is out for the season. If you've never heard of Sean Lee, he's one of the best young defensive players in the league, and arguably as valuable as DeMarcus Ware to the Dallas defense.

Now he's out for the year, and DeMarco Murray's got a foot injury that will definitely linger all year, Dez Bryant is officially just bad these days, and so on. What's even worse: They will probably win this weekend, forcing me and every other Cowboys fan to stay emotionally invested in this train wreck of a football team just long enough for them to break my heart in December again and make me hate sports for the following two weeks.

This is not a horrible team, but this is certainly not a good team. They are a bad team with good players. Bad teams make stupid mistakes at critical times, get 10,000 penalties-a-year, have horrible offensive lines and overmatched secondaries, and lose to less-talented teams.

Go Cowboys!

But then they have DeMarcus Ware, arguably the best defensive player in football. They have Jason Witten, Miles Austin, and Tony Romo, three legitimate offensive weapons that can make them competitive in any game. When he's healthy, DeMarco Murray's one of the best young running backs in the league. It all adds up to a team that's just talented enough to beat the Giants and get everyone excited, and just dysfunctional enough to break everyone's heart eventually. What I'm saying is, the Cowboys are Dez Bryant. IT'S AWFUL.

Patrick Smith/Getty Images


OVERALL: 52-50-3

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