We're back with picks and lines for every game in Week 13, including a closer look at Adderall, Colin Kaepernick, and RGIII, the reason to love the NFL in 2012.
On Thursday afternoon I admitted that I sort of hate what the NFL's become these days, so what better time to get into picks? You can check out all the lines and odds over here. As usual, all picks in BOLD.
Seahawks at Bears (-3) -- Two Seahawks failed a drug test this week and blamed it on Adderall, heightening the Great Adderall Panic of 2012 just a little bit more this week. The frenzy has been an outstanding subplot to the 2012 season, but especially because most of the victims are cornerbacks. Like most other people, I initially assumed Adderall is just a convenient excuse for a positive drug test. But that makes the most sense if it were happening across all positions. Since it's mostly cornerbacks ... Maybe Adderall really helps them somehow? I don't know. But I WANT to know.
Related: I've taken ADD drugs since I was in high school, and they are all basically speed, but Adderall is by far the most incredible. I've only taken it a handful of times, but it provides a ridiculous advantage, and the effects of the drug in that movie Limitless are really only a slight exaggeration of what it feels like. It wears off after a day of unprecedented productivity, and you're like, "What just HAPPENED?"
Part of this could be because only naturally lazy people (ME) end up with a prescription in the first place, so any sort of productivity seems like a massive improvement. But either way, in my experience it's a ridiculous drug. It probably shouldn't be legal, or at least prescribed as freely as it is now. Or maybe it should be free? Like a government subsidy. Put it in the water like we did with fluoride. It will enhance the nation's productivity and probably kill us all by age 55, so it doubles as population control, too.
That's what China's doing!*
*(Not actually sure that's what China's doing.)
Jags (+6) at Bills -- God. Why are they even playing this game?
Colts (+5) at Lions -- Poor Lions fans. The entire game against the Texans, even when they were up 24-14 and when they went up a touchdown late in the fourth quarter, you just knew that it was all going to fall apart somehow. Nothing good ever happens to the Lions.
Vikings (+9.5) at Packers -- Are the Packers actually good this year? I feel like we've been asking this question for the past 10 weeks, and that can't be a good sign.
Panthers (-3) at Chiefs -- I still can't believe the most blatantly racist sports column of 2012 wasn't about Cam Newton. An upset we'll remember forever.
Patriots at Dolphins (+9) -- The Dolphins are not good, but they're quietly better than anyone thinks, and this makes me happy, because all things considered, Joe Philbin seemed like a pretty awesome guy on Hard Knocks this summer. Just pissed off that Chis Hogan (Always Open) isn't there to enjoy it, too.
Cardinals at Jets (-4.5) -- Best play of the past five years.
Texans (-6.5) at Titans -- Everyone thinks Falcons are doomed for a first-round exit in the Playoffs, but why aren't the Texans getting more hype here?
Bucs at Broncos (-7) -- Always a good reminder:
Especially you, Peyton.
Ravens (OFF) at Steelers -- THE GAME OF THE MILLENNIUM (OF THE WEEK).
49ers (-4.5) at Rams -- I don't care what anyone says, that horribly offensive Colin Kaepernick column was amazing. People were upset that it wasn't a parody, but they are missing the point. Columnists like David Whitley are a parody themselves. No matter what he writes, it's an instant joke, because he's basically writing about 2012 sports from the 1950s. I laughed harder at that awful tattoo column than anything else on the internet this week...But then people had to go and get all annoying and ruin everything.
It's one of the most obnoxious traits of the media in 2012. One stupid person writes something horrible, and then the next day we have to read 200 rebuttals to the stupid thing that everyone knew was stupid in the first place, all to prove to the world how not-stupid the rest of us are. (I've probably done this 100 different times, so I'm as guilty as anyone.) In the process, sure, the guy gets endless traffic and more fame than he deserves--but that's not even the problem. By rebutting his horrible opinion, you promote it, and then it becomes a Thing that people are saying, and suddenly "Colin Kapernick is facing criticism about his tattoos this week."
No, he's not.
Only one stupid asshole said that.
Let's just enjoy how magically stupid it was and move on without letting him stupid up the conversations the rest of us are having 24 hours later.
Browns (+1) at Raiders -- This game belongs on Thursday night.
Bengals at Chargers (+2) -- So does this one.
Eagles at Cowboys (-10.5) -- And this one. See how the NFL kind of sucks now?
Giants at Redskins (+3) -- But there is an exception to this rule, and his name is RGIII. It's insane. He's the counterpoint to everything that's stale and depressing about kinda-crappy good teams like the Giants in the parity era. Even as the rest of the NFL descends into a mediocre mess, I get unreasonably excited at every chance to watch RGIII, and then almost every game he goes and exceeds my expectations all over again.
Not just with big plays, but with the handful smaller moments in every game when he embarrasses one defender or another and all you can do is sit there and laugh at the guy who's ten times more gifted than anyone on the field. He's carried a TERRIBLE Redskins offense all year long, and he's made it look easy. Then he goes and gives classy interviews where he makes you fall in love with him all over again. He is the Kevin Durant of the NFL at a time when the NFL desperately needs a star that's half as cool as Kevin Durant.
I keep waiting for something to go wrong, and I still assume that will happen at some point, but assuming it's all finite just makes it more enjoyable in the meantime. Even when the Redskins lose, he's still outrageously entertaining. So what I'm saying is ... There's no better reason to watch football than RGIII, and yeah, Monday Night Football should be pretty pretty awesome this week. LET'S DO IT.
LAST WEEK: OFF
OVERALL RECORD: 78-76-3