TAKEAWAYS, Week 14: Football is stupid

Josh Brent is 24. Have you ever been 24? If so then you probably know that you were a dumbass back then. I'm 28 and I'm still a dumbass most of the time. I'm guessing that I'll stop being a dumbass sometime in my 50s.

Drinking and driving is one the most dumbass things you can do. Getting into a car with someone who's been drinking isn't malicious but it's still pretty dumbass. Jerry Brown's death is a tragedy and a harrowing reminder of the fragility of life and the folly of youth. It doesn't have anything to do with football; instead it's a side effect of being young and stupid.

Remember that you're not invincible, dumbass. Here's what you need to know from each game this week.

Broncos 26, Raiders 13

TAKEAWAY: This game was the poster child for why Thursday Night Football should be moved to Saturday

This game was boring and I have a bye in my fantasy league (I drafted Adrian Peterson because I am smarter than you). So I watched Parks and Rec, 30 Rock, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The League instead. But if it were on Saturday night I would have watched football instead of the Knicks game. Of note, I'm a male, aged 18-34 with disposable income (advertisers covet me) and I have a cable package. Get your shit together, NFL.

Rams 15, Bills 12

TAKEAWAY: Chan Gailey hates C.J. Spiller and winning

C.J. Spiller had five yards per carry in this game and is pretty clearly the Bills' best running back. He had one carry in the fourth quarter; which the Bills led until a last minute touchdown by the Rams. Chan Gailey hates good running backs and not losing. My guess is that he picked up this malady at Georgia Tech.

Cowboys 20, Bengals 19

TAKEAWAY: Football is stupid

The Cowboys didn't win this for Jerry Brown or DUI victims or anyone in particular. They won this because, much like the Giants last week, the Bengals suffered from an inability to convert long drives into touchdowns. The dead practice squad linebacker and incarcerated nose tackle had nothing to do with it.

Browns 30, Chiefs 7

TAKEAWAY: Romeo Crennel is not making a good impression on his ex.

"Hey, Romeo! I haven't seen you in forever, how are things?"

"They're good! I landed on my feet after you dumped me. This is Kacie by the way."

"Kacie, so nice to meet you! What does that tattoo on your neck mean?"

"Back when I was doing porn they told me Chinese lettering helped out so I just got a bunch of random stuff. A delivery guy told me it means 'mother horse looks at sun' but I dunno."

"Well that's just awesome!"

Colts 27, Titans 23

TAKEAWAY: Flip 'em the bird, bro!

via my buddies over at Deadspin

I once had a beer thrown at me for flipping off a section full of Redskins fans while wearing a Rodney Hampton jersey so I can't really judge. That said LOLOLOLOLOL Colts fans are the worst.

Vikings 21, Bears 14

TAKEAWAY: Adrian Peterson is still a boss

I think that's my takeaway from the Vikings game every week but it bears repeating. Adrian Peterson is a man-beast who runs like he hates everyone who isn't wearing the same jersey as him. So let's all hope he breaks Eric Dickerson's record because Eric Dickerson was boring.

Chargers 34, Steelers 24

TAKEAWAY: Let's hope the Steelers don't make the playoffs

Seven Steelers defensive starters are on the wrong side of 30. So we shouldn't be too surprised that, come December, some of them look like they're playing at half speed against a normally punchless Chargers team. Somebody has to get the sixth seed in the AFC but I'd rather the Bengals try to beat someone by throwing for 400 yards than see the Steelers wheeze through the playoffs.

Eagles 23, Buccaneers 21

TAKEAWAY: Who cares about the game, check out this kid

via @dhm

He's gonna run shit once he gets to high school. Count on it.

Redskins 31, Ravens 28

TAKEAWAY: The Redskins still shouldn't have drafted Kirk Cousins.

Process over results, folks. Drafting a backup QB over someone for one of the worst secondaries in the league is a bad move. In case you follow any Redskins fans on Twitter they complain about DeAngelo Hall at least three times per game. And I'm sure Rex Grossman could have put this one away (it's possible; the Ravens secondary looks lost without Lardarius Webb).

Panthers 30, Falcons 20

TAKEAWAY: Regression to the mean is the meanest regression

A few weeks ago I said that the Falcons weren't as good as their record suggested because they got lucky in a lot of close games. And not even Ron Rivera couldn't screw this game up for the Panthers. Take it away, Most Interesting Man In the World:

via Meme Generator

Jets 17, Jaguars 10

TAKEAWAY: No

If you watched this game you should have gone outside instead. I don't care that it was raining; a head cold is the price of progress.

49ers 27, Dolphins 13

TAKEAWAY: Colin Kaepernick's tattoos were good this week

Oh hey he just really likes the Bible. But if the Niners lose to the Patriots or the Seahawks then they're just proof that he's a glory boy clownfraud.

Giants 52, Saints 27

TAKEAWAY: David Wilson made me forget about Doug Martin for a day

Last year in the draft I loved Doug Martin and hoped the Giants would draft him to replace Brandon Jacobs, who signed with the Niners when the Giants offered him no salary but a per diem for 2012. Then on draft day the Bucs traded up to pick Martin in the slot before the Giants. The Muscle Hamster's rookie campaign has forced me to ask "What if?" a lot, but maybe Wilson will vindicate himself before long.

This is your reminder that grading any draft less than three years after the fact is a fool's errand.

Seahawks 58, Cardinals 0

TAKEAWAY: We're back to the old Cardinals

Via @BlueOsprey, this Cardinals fan knows what's up

It's good that the Cardinals suck again. It restores order to the force.

Packers 27, Lions 20

TAKEAWAY: We're almost back to the old Lions

The old Lions were sad sacks; the Schwartz version is a little feistier. But it's heartening to see them at the bottom of the NFC North (call it the NFC Norris and I'll garotte you).

WHAT TO DO THIS WEEK INSTEAD OF WATCHING MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

I have a fantasy bye and I don't like the Patriots so I think I want to go to trivia night. It's in Brooklyn, which means only your interesting friends will show up.