For years, the Wonderlic Cognitive Ability Test has been a mainstay at the NFL Combine. The test is formulated to test a prospect's general aptitude. Some questions are elementary ("what is the ninth month of the year?"), while others require considerable algebraic calculation.
In recent years, however, the 22-year-olds produced by American society have been deficient in basic life skills. In 1980, most 22-year-olds knew how to light the pilot light on their furnace, tie a Windsor and use mile markers to help find interstate exits. No longer. The young twenty-somethings showing up to the NFL Combine these days are largely bereft of practical knowledge and life skills, having spent many of their formative hours either playing on www.Facebook.com (a website) or tooling around with some damn game on their iPhone where you have to collect coins or something. I don't know, I'm sure it's nonsense.
In response, the NFL is instituting a new test for the 2012 NFL Combine:
The Bein' A Grown-Ass Person Aptitude Test was designed to help NFL teams assess whether a given player is actually a respectable grown-up, or just some scrub-ass kid who has to take the batteries out of his fire alarm whenever he fries an egg. (Ed. Note: Please see super important disclaimer at the end of this post.)
Here is an answer key from a sample test. In parentheses, we've added the number of points awarded or subtracted for each answer:
1. What is currently hanging on the walls of your apartment? Check all that apply.
☐ Framed print (3 points)
☐ Stapled-to-wall print (-1 points)
☐ That poster of that Kramer painting, or Tupac and Snoop in suits throwing up signs, or some other poster that like everyone else in the world has (-2 points)
☐ "Beers of the World" poster (-5 points)
☐ Poster of athlete (0 points)
☐ Poster of athlete slam-dunking with a bunch of lightning bolts all around him (-3 points)
☐ That picture of David Hasselhoff and Gary Coleman giving the "thumbs-up" sign, printed out from your computer in the "landscape" format so that there's a bunch of blank space on the side, hung by crudely punching the paper through a nail in the wall that was clearly there already (-8 points)
2. Your furnace has stopped working. What is the first step you will take toward fixing it?
☐ Check the pilot light (3 points)
☐ Replace the air filter (3 points)
☐ Call the phone number found on label on the furnace that was actually affixed by an inspector from the municipal government, receive no help, end up cursing out someone in City Hall for being a "furnace moron" (-3 points)
☐ Go to Target and buy a bunch of electric space heaters (-2 points)
☐ Attempt to jam the door lever on your microwave so that it will stay on while the door is open, thereby dispersing heat (-10 points)
3. Which action(s) will you take if your car has a flat tire? Check all that apply.
☐ Take the jack out of your trunk and situate it under a spot on the chassis that is usually indicated by a notch (3 points)
☐ Admit to yourself that you do not know how to change a tire, and call AAA (1 point)
☐ Just keep driving because it's just a lack of air, and air is literally everywhere, so it should just go back into it automatically (-5 points)
☐ Open the trunk, find that you don't have a jack, and remember that it's in one of your kitchen cabinets because you thought it was "like a breadmaker sort of thing" (-10 points)
4. How do you store your clothing?
☐ Hanging in closet/folded in drawer (3 points)
☐ Just leave it sitting in the dryer until I need it (-2 points)
☐ Leave shirts and jackets hanging on every doorknob in house, including inside of front door (-5 points)
☐ I'm always wearing all of it, so (0 points and an offer of a ride to Target)
☐ Just leave it sitting in the dishwasher until I need it (-12 points)
5. You're in for a romantic evening with your partner, and as you prepare to open a $50 bottle of wine, you realize that you do not have any wine glasses. How do you serve the wine?
☐ Just don't drink any wine (3 points)
☐ Drink out of bottle (-2 points)
☐ 16-ounce glass with brewery's name on it (-1 point)
☐ Dishwasher-safe Shrek 3 cup you got from Taco Bell (-7 points)
☐ Dishwasher-unsafe Shrek 3 cup you got from Taco Bell (-12 points)
6. Do you enjoy the writings of Charles Bukowski?
☐ Ugh, no. (3 points)
☐ I don't know who Charles Bukowski is. (1 point)
☐ He kind of reminds me of me. Last night I drank like five Bud Heavies because Xbox Live wouldn't work, and I started thinking about death. (-8 points)
7. Suppose you have a thick cut of ribeye steak. How will you prepare it?
☐ I don't eat meat. (3 points)
☐ Rub it with a little salt and pepper, sear each side on a stove top on high heat, then move to preheated oven until desired doneness is achieved. (3 points)
☐ Four words, my man: Lean. Mean. Grillin'. Machine. (-3 points)
☐ Three words, my man: Lean. Mean. Grillin'. ... aw, shit. (-4 points)
☐ Microwave it until it curls up into itself. (-8 points)
☐ Prepare steak tartare. Smother it in tartar sauce and leave it to sit at room temperature for two to three hours. (-12 points)
☐ I don't eat meat because Bill Maher said not to. (-20 points)
8. You receive a "disconnection of service" warning from the electric company, and you realize that you forgot to pay your bill. What is your preferred course of action?
☐ Call the electric company and make a payment arrangement. (3 points)
☐ Just watch out for the disconnection dude and maybe offer him some pot. (-3 points)
☐ Ask the neighbors downstairs if you could run an extension cord down to their place and maybe offer them some pot. (-5 points)
☐ Reason with yourself and conclude that they're not gonna actually disconnect the electric because "electric is a human right." (-5 points)
☐ Let them disconnect it, and retroactively announce that you're going on an electricity strike "for Africa awareness." (-10 points)
9. During air travel, which of these courses of action are likely to apply to you? Check all that apply.
☐ Arrive at the airport two to three hours before scheduled departure, in case the line at the security checkpoint is long or there are any other complications. (3 points)
☐ Arrive at the airport 15 minutes before scheduled departure in case you're delayed by "airport shit." (-5 points)
☐ Register your carry-on bag as check-in baggage. Midway through the flight, ask your flight attendant to retrieve your Onion anthology. (-7 points)
☐ Upon arrival, stand up and remain standing for 20 minutes until people are actually let off the plane. (-3 points)
☐ Refuse to take a shuttle bus to the appropriate terminal because "there must be some mix-up, I want to fly on an airplane."Unsuccessfully attempt to board flights for which you do not have a ticket. After loitering for six hours, go back home and tell your friends it was an "Orwellian nightmare." (-12 points)
10. Do you intend to open a 401(k) account?
☐ Yes, because it's important to begin preparing for retirement at an early age.(5 points)
☐ Yes, because someone said it was important and my finance management experience is mostly Coinstar-specific. (2 points)
☐ Did you say account? I LOVE ACCOUNTS! (-1 point)
☐ No, because there will not be money in the future. There will just be these floating blue sphere things and you touch them and get stuff. (-8 points)
☐ Wait, I thought that was what this form was. OK, well, here: "I HEREBY WANT THE 401K THING, SIGNED, ME." Whoever collects this test, please tell the government. Thanks and God bless! (-10 points)
DISCLAIMER: Wonderlic, Inc. emailed us and asked us to tell people it's not a real Wonderlic product, so here you are: it is not a real Wonderlic product. It is fake. I made it up.