Sometimes it's hard to understand why podcasts even exist, but then you hear one that features first-person stories of Rob Gronkowski partying and being so absurdly GRONK at the ESPYs, and it all makes sense. As Bill Simmons asks midway through this podcast, "You wanna hear three stories from the ESPYs?"
THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS YES.
Simmons: "These are all true stories. First one, leaving the [ESPYs] after party, walking through the hotel ... There was an elevator that people were going down, and there was probably like, you know people were walking kind of slow, because you only get like one at a time in the elevator, so people were getting kinda clogged. But then there was an elevator going up. Gronkowski sprints down, past all the people going down, and sprints down the up elevator."
Guest: Escalator, you mean.
(Ed. note: *** ESCALATOR. ***)
(Even though Gronk sprinting down an elevator somehow works, and will happen soon.)
Simmons: Sorry, escalator. He gets down the escalator, then gets to the bottom and raises his hands and goes, 'YEAHHHH!' So that was one. Two... He's in the elevator, and a friend of mine was in the elevator--I actually witnessed the escalator one--he's in the elevator and there's probably like 10 people in the elevator including one of my friends.
He says to the doorman--it's this party that's gonna be on the roof of some place in L.A., like it's outdoors--He says to the elevator person, 'At this party, can we party with our shirts off?'
And the guy's like, "Ahhh ... Yeah ... I think so."
Gronkowski turns to his buddy and goes, "Yeahhhhhh!" and high fives him.
So that was the second one.
Then the third one, which was also witnessed by a friend of mine.
Gronkowski's in line for the bathroom, I don't know there's two urinals and a stall, they're all waiting. Gronkowski's with his two brothers, who just looked awesome. And uh, goes into the stall, and then turns to one of his brothers and just goes, "Crossies?" The second brother goes in, the third brother goes in, and then there's some guy who's waiting, some small guy, and they're like they're like, "Let's get him, too." So they grab this guy and bring him in, and they all pee in the bathroom together, in the stall.
Each of those stories is so unbelievably perfect it's almost hard to believe them. But I trust Simmons. And as I type this, on SportsCenter Lindsay Czarniak is asking Marcellus Wiley for his reaction to the Patriots telling Gronk to tone it down. Marcellus Wiley's response, "Gronk, don't listen to him."
Bottom line: Whether he's crossing swords, sprinting down escalators/elevators, or just out on the roof tearing it up with his shirt off... It's still Gronk's world, and we're all just living in it.
(Major HT to Sports Rapport)