DETROIT - NOVEMBER 25: Kid Rock performs a halftime show during a game between the New England Patriots and the Detroit Lions on November 25 2010 at Ford Field in Detroit Michigan. (Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)
All 32 NFL teams need brand new anthems. Here's how to make them perfect.
The NFL is working in conjunction with Pepsi (because why use one massive corporation when you can use two or more!) to create brand new musical anthems for teams for the 2012 season. I guess "The Super Bowl Shuffle" is suddenly for squares or something.
As Dave Ryan at SB Nation Detroit reports, the project is already well underway. The Detroit Lions will have a new anthem created for them by Kid Rock, which is about as appropriate as anything else you could possibly think of, except for maybe a Bob Seger jam that completely falls apart during the final chorus.
Not all of the anthems will offer such a flawless marriage of artist and team, though, so we here at SB Nation wanted to see if we could think of the perfect musical acts to create anthems for every NFL franchise. Here goes nothing!
The Chargers clearly need to take advantage of a reunited Blink-182 for their anthem. It would be an absolutely perfect fit. Blink-182 are from the San Diego area, used to be really popular and well-loved, and are now pretty far up their own butts with irritating and tedious songs. Also, the members all hate each other.
There must be a Chargers parallel in there somewhere.
Believe it or not, Denver boasts neither a rich musical history nor a particularly robust assortment of musicians it has produced. The list of notable people from Denver includes three different bounty hunters, though, so there's that. While it's tempting to suggest that the Academy Award-nominated and Tony Award-winning songwriting duo of Trey Parker and Matt Stone could create an irreverent and filthy theme for the Broncos now that Tim Tebow is no longer the face of the franchise, it is worth noting that incoming quarterback Peyton Manning is only slightly less of a square than Tebow is.
So we're going with Kip Winger on this one. Just as the Broncos were a massive bummer to longtime football fans in the late 1990s, so too were Winger to longtime hard-rock fans in the early 1990s. The Broncos are sort of garish and slick, and have the whiff of something overly manufactured. Can you imagine what a Winger song in 2012 would sound like? It would sound like the Denver Broncos.
I'm thinking a little outside of the box here, but I'm going with Maya Angelou on this one. Only her spoken-word anthem would be able to truly plumb the depths of despair felt by the average St. Louis football fan. She knows why the caged Ram bleats.
We all know that "new country" is a blight on our society. That's just an undeniable fact of history, like the bombing of the Maine or the creation of Go-Gurt. One of the biggest stars in the "country" music scene these days is Dierks Bentley, a fellow whose name is spelled "Dierks" and pronounced "dirks," and that should pretty much tell you all you need to know.
New country can't decide whether it wants to stick close to its outlaw roots or just wear True Religion jeans and sing ballads about Chevrolet all gol'durn day. Similarly, the Cardinals can't decide between John Skelton and Kevin Kolb at quarterback. As their punishment, they get Dierks Bentley.
The Blues Brothers and Warren Zevon are dead, and the Bears aren't cool enough to warrant an anthem from Kanye West. Hell, they're not cool enough to warrant an anthem from Kid Cudi (a scathing indictment). Did you know that Chicago residents and Bears fans actually think Jay Cutler is a good quarterback? No, really. They love his rotten guts. It's like some sort of ... sickness.
Because of this sickness, the Bears will be paired with Chicago band Disturbed, who will write a new song that will sound exactly like "Down With the Sickness," which is the only song they've ever written. You might think they've written and performed other songs, but they're all actually remixes of "Down With the Sickness."
For a team as aggressively inoffensive as the Packers, you need a similarly inoffensive rock anthem. Has there ever been a less offensive rock star than Wisconsin's favorite son, Steve Miller? Probably. He did vaguely reference drugs that one time, after all.
Still, Miller's music is about as likely as Aaron Rodgers to appear in insurance commercials at this point in his career, so let's have them take the Lambeau Leap into inoffensive synergy together.
Bob Dylan is inarguably the most famous Minnesotan musical act. But have you seen the Vikings over the past few seasons? They don't deserve Bob Dylan. They don't even deserve the weird-hat-wearing septuagenarian Bob Dylan who purposefully screws up the melodies of his popular songs at concerts specifically so that the crowd can't sing along.
No, the Vikings get a Dr. Demento original, preferably one that is heavy on fart noises and slide whistles. I believe that's actually the 2012 Vikings slogan. "Your Minnesota Vikings: Fart Noises and Slide Whistles!"
Going with the no-brainer here -- Usher can just fire up the hit machine and pump out "Confessions Part Whatever." Then he and the Falcons can sit back and watch the money roll in, until they're bounced out in the first round of the playoffs.
Hey, don't shoot the messenger, Atlanta. Y'all have made "early exit from the postseason" into a danged art form.
The Panthers and K-Ci & JoJo have a natural connection, both bursting onto the scene in the late 90's and both being from Charlotte. But are you ready for this? K-Ci & JoJo never broke up! That means they're available for work! Let's get them started on some sweet, smooth R&B jams (or jamz, if you prefer). Their laid-back grooves should pair splendidly with Cam Newton effortlessly dragging the rest of his team to a winning record this season.
Randy Newman may be associated with loving L.A., winning a million Academy Awards and not having written a truly great song in about 30 years, but it's finally time to get him back to his down-home bayou roots.
"Who dat / Who dem / Who dat / Who dey / Them N'awlins Saints boys here to stay / Blaowdabloodeedooddledoo / [five minutes of unintelligible sub-Bill Cosby gibberish]"
Not unlike K-Ci & JoJo, Aaron Carter is another musician who has surprisingly never stopped performing, although hardly anyone is aware of it. Yes, Carter is a Tampa native, but this new-anthem initiative seems like a perfect chance to reprise his most famous (or at least, most memorable) novelty-pop song ever. The great thing? His slickly produced "That's How I Beat the Buccaneers" actually seems feasible.
I don't know if you caught the last 10 games of the Buccaneers' 2011 season, but Aaron Carter DEFINITELY could have beaten them. And covered the spread.
OK, so Toby Keith isn't from Dallas. He's from Oklahoma. But few people embody the Cowboys' entire je ne sais quoi like Toby Keith. The Cowboys pride themselves on being "America's Team," but Keith is America's America. He'll put a boot in yer dang ass if you don't like it, boy.
The Cowboys need an anthem that is unabashedly cocksure in its overt terribleness, while leaning heavily on a legacy of success, tradition, iconography and having more money than God. That's a tall order that only Toby Keith can fill.
Few bands scream "Philadelphia" like the Bloodhound Gang. Moreover, the Bloodhound Gang is an act that Eagles fans can really get behind. They're somewhat rockin', somewhat jokey, somewhat dirty and have that one song that's all about doin' it. They love that song!
Also, the members of the Bloodhound Gang are white, so this shouldn't ruffle any feathers with Iggles fans. (No pun intended.)
We're going with Henry Rollins on this one. While it may seem unlikely that Rollins would hitch his wagon to the star of the Redskins, his cushy job as the voice of Infiniti proves that he's more than willing to cash a check these days. Besides, he'd be a better fit for the Redskins anthem than fellow D.C. hardcore sons Fugazi, who would never in a million years take the gig.
Also, let us never forget that Rollins has a famous history of being a redskin himself.
"Hey, yeah, I think I've heard of them. No, I've heard some pretty good things. Yeah, now that you mention it, I've heard they're pretty great. I'll have to check them out sometime. No, I promise. I'll check them out and get back to you. I'll let you know what I think. Yep, looking forward to that. OK, buddy. Talk to you soon."
In the above conversation, were you talking about the band Fleet Foxes or the football team the Seattle Seahawks? Either way, you haven't talked to that friend since that conversation, and you haven't "checked out" either one. Once Fleet Foxes creates their new theme for the Seahawks, you can just consolidate two conversations into one convenient brush-off!
Good Lord, are there a lot of hardcore bands from Buffalo. Weird that living in the bleak, desolate wasteland of Buffalo would make you want to be in a band where you pierce everything and just scream and scream and scream.
But we're going a different way here. We're going with the Goo Goo Dolls, who -- yes, we swear -- are still making music in 2012. Imagine you're at a festival or state fair or something and the Goo Goo Dolls start playing. At first, you're like, "Hey, OK, man. I love 'Iris.' Let's do this! AND I DON'T WANT THE WOOOOORLD TO SEE MEEEEE ..." etc. But then they just keep playing, and you realize you hate literally everything else they've ever done, and you're miserable and just want to go home. Buffalo Bills fans feel like this all the time.
I don't know if you're familiar with DJ Khaled, but he is a Miami-based DJ who makes a bunch of remixes and mixtapes, all of which feature drops of him just yelling "LISTENNNNN," "WE THE BESSSSTTTTT" and several similarly brief boasts. The Dolphins do the same thing during the offseason, except they hope it will trick people into thinking they're an actual football team.
We only got one offer to take the job for the Bengals anthem. It was from Bobby Brown. We tied to convince him that he shouldn't blow off his planned New Edition reunion to do this instead, but he was all like, "Nah, man. Nah, man." When we tried to call his agent, he took the cash advance and bolted. We haven't seen him since.
Long story short: There will be no new Bengals anthem. Also, if you see Bobby Brown, tell him to call SB Nation.
Did you know that Lynyrd Skynyrd is from Jacksonville? Yeah, me neither -- we must have all missed that big B-side, "Sweet Home Jacksonville" -- so they obviously don't get the nod here. The Jags need an anthem-creator that wholeheartedly embraces and owns the Jacksonville aesthetic; an act that encapsulates exactly what it means to be "Jacksonville."
I'm referring, of course, to Limp Bizkit.
(We might be too late here, but it's still worth a shot.)
KISS, Rush and Dick Dale aren't in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Donovan, Madonna and the Red Hot Chili Peppers are. Since no one else from Cleveland was
willing to able to contribute an anthem to the Browns, both Madonna and the Red Hot Chili Peppers competed for the honor check. Madonna went the extra mile by adopting a terrible Cleveland accent for an entire year, so she got the nod.
Everyone was a little miffed when she just turned in a remix of "Ray of Light" with the lyrics "Quicker than a Cleveland Browns" badly dubbed in as the chorus. Since it was the Browns, Pepsi let it slide.
Everyone get super pumped! It's Metallica doing the new anthem for the 49ers! Hellll yeeeeaahhhhhhhh. Friggin' 'Tallica, bro! WOOOOOOOOO
Sorry, it's too late to call off the new Metallica anthem. It will be played before and after every Niners game and after every Niners touchdown. Played in its entirety. It will be terrible. But hey, at least Robert Trujillo looks like he's having fun.
Dropkick Murphys. Always Dropkick Murphys. All Dropkick Murphys everything. By the year 2025, it won't be legal to play a song in the state of Massachusetts unless it was written by the Dropkick Murphys. If you're caught, you have to wear a flatcap and eat solely at Dunkin' Donuts for a year. Of course, if you live in Massachusetts, that's pretty much just business as usual.
The Steelers asked to get Christina Aguilera, but then Ben Roethlisberger wouldn't stop calling her and she got totally weirded out for whatever reason, so they're stuck with an anthem written by Mac Miller. Young, annoying, massive bros love this anthem and can't get enough of it, so that covers the Steelers' target demographic, at lest.
We tried to find something that everyone could hate but still kind of feel sorry for, so this is what we came up with: A Pepsi-ordered collaboration track between Too Short and Kreayshawn.
The Texans would love to get Beyonce for their anthem. They're not getting Beyonce. They're not even getting Houston natives the Geto Boys. They're getting ZZ Top. They're always getting ZZ Top. Now and forever.
"Oh, you wanted something hip? Too bad, it's the 'Top for you again. And no deep cuts or early tracks! Just "Eliminator." That's all you get. Ever."
Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds is the most edgy and aggressive musical act allowed in the state of Indiana, so he's a natural fit for the pride of Indianapolis. This will be a rousing (just kidding!) number that will be perfect to listen to around 8 p.m. on a Thursday night, when you're reclined on the La-Z-Boy wearing house shoes and sipping a glass of warm milk.
Keep that volume knob at about 4, though. This is Indiana. You don't want to cause a scene.
The Allman Brothers just keep on truckin' and pluggin' away. When one guy dies (or whatever) they just stick in two more noodling guitarists and hope nobody notices. They'll do an anthem for the Titans that sounds vaguely like "Jessica" and the Titans will keep doing ... whatever the hell it is that they do.
Still got that comet logo, huh? Cute. Neat.
I will refrain from a cheap Puddle of Mudd joke here, because why kick someone when they're already down?
The Chiefs have been around a really long time and have always had about the same, consistent level of both popularity and success. They're loathed by some and beloved by others, while remaining staunchly middle-of-the-road. They also catch a lot of flack merely for being who they are. Kind of sounds like Melissa Etheridge to me.
They share a stadium, so they'll share an anthem. The stadium is in New Jersey, so we'll have Bruce Springsteen do the anthem, since New York has basically co-opted "The Boss" at this point anyway. The new song will win at least two dozen Grammys and will make every resident of New York weep.
The greatest marketing move of all, though, is that Bruce will appear at each team's home game to perform a new tradition: the ceremonial first kickoff. The twist? Bruce will complete the kickoff by sliding crotch-first into the football. Each time. It will be the best thing that has ever happened in sports.