Jon's NFL Mailbag: Where Imaginary People Ask The Tough Questions

Sep 17, 2012; Atlanta, GA, USA; Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning (18) is sacked by Atlanta Falcons safety William Moore (25) at the Georgia Dome. The Falcons defeated the Broncos 27-21. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee/Image of Sport-US PRESSWIRE

Do you have any burning questions about the NFL? Well, shut up. Jon has come up with his own questions to answer, so just kind of sit there and hang out for a while if you would.

Hi, everyone! Welcome to the first installment of my mailbag column. Each week, I'll be taking questions from you, the readers just straight-up ignoring y'all chuckleheads and making up my own questions for me to answer. Alright, I'm gonna talk about the NFL now. Be quiet.


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First question:

do you think mailbag columns are a great way to hear the latest NFL news, rumors & opinions from folks just like you & me

- Larrold H., Fudge, Kentucky

I absolutely do. What a wonderful question! What a wonderful way to start this mailbag column! Haha! What a delight! Hahaha!

Hi, two questions. First, was Josh Morgan's unsportsmanlike conduct penalty the dumbest game-costing penalty in NFL history? Second, why are there things?

- Gregort C., Fudge, Kentucky

Right after Morgan made a 7-yard gain to set his Redskins up for a 47-yard, game-tying field goal, he earned 15-yard penalty for chucking the ball in anger at troll czar Cortland Finnegan -- thereby, in effect, wasting a shot at a make-able field goal. That was real dumb. But it was not the dumbest, because it was not as dumb as this:

I'm not sure whether Dwayne Rudd's mid-play helmet-throw celebration was the very dumbest penalty ever, but we can at least say it was dumber than Morgan's, which I think we can at least understand.

As for your second question: I've thought about it a lot and haven't really gotten anywhere. That's the fundamental question, more fundamental than how we evolved from the primordial soup or how the Big Bang occured. Why the Hell does anything exist at all? Seems like the default position of the universe would be the absence of time or space or any matter or anything at all, yes? The mere fact of existence is fundamentally absurd. Hmm. I don't know. Ask your parents.

My question is twofold. First, do you think the Giants were justified in being upset at the Buccaneers for rushing the victory formation? Second, is there a spot on the 'net where sports and pop culture COLLIDE!?!?

- Billiam X., Fudge, Kentucky

1) Not really. I get that there's unspoken etiquette, but I also kind of think that unspoken etiquette is for babies. I am a lifelong baseball fan, where unspoken etiquette permeates everything, and you would not BELIEVE how much of a whiny baby everyone is in that sport.

And when this happens, or when Team A runs up the score on Team B, or something, you see it in football, too. One win is often the difference between "playoffs" and "no playoffs." If you have an opportunity to play within the rules and give yourself a 4 percent chance of making something happen, you do it, right?

2) No.

Hi. I'd would like to be an NFL replacement referee. What have I need to be ref. I pour gravy in lardge cardboard box & drink til its GONE. Can you please tell me what when to how ref. end of typING;

- Tomothy N., Fudge, Kentucky

Sounds like you have what it takes, friend! Let's get you started. Just fill out the following questionnaire and mail it to the league office:

1. Footballs tend to look like dinosaur poop. If you are presented with a football, will you be able to refrain from laughing about how much it looks like dinosaur poop?

2. Do you actually know how to tie your shoes, or do you just cram the laces in your socks and hold loud one-sided conversations about how tightly your shoes are tied?

3. Imagine you are standing inside a cereal bowl that is very, very large. Imagine that the inside of the bowl is lined with a seamless tapestry of 60,000 screaming people who wish you were dead. This is:

[ ] the most horrifying nightmare anyone has ever had, made real
[ ] Just another day at the ol' ballpark! Heh!

4. Do you currently own a black-and-white striped shirt?

5. Do you currently own a shirt?

6. Are you friendly?

Tip: No. 6 is the most important question. The NFL is solely interested in fielding referees who are friendly and do things that are nice and thoughtful.

Who is going to win the Robert Griffin III sweepstakes? Please answer in as 150 words as possible.

- Melincipal A., Fudge, Kentucky

I think the Redskins will win the RGIII sweepstakes. He's currently under contract with the Redskins for four years, he's a good fit with the offense, and he already has the Redskins helmet and uniform and whatnot. Plus, they drafted him already.

They did so by handing over 300 future draft picks, effectively selling off their future to land Griffin. Which is exactly what I'd do if I were a general manager. I'd also just draft skill positions. Because, really, who wants to draft an offensive lineman? What, he's really good? OK, then your opponent will identify some other not-good offensive lineman and stack up against him. It's not like EVERY guy on your O-line is going to be good. Draft a guy who can run fast and throw the ball a long way. WHOOOSH. POWWWWW.

Never hire me as a general manager unless you want your team to be terrible.

I'm looking to root for a team that fits my style. Is there a team full of total milquetoasts that basically no one has any opinion about, positive or negative?

- Jimothan G., Fudge, Kentucky

Excellent question. Tough one, too. All right. We're looking for the least notable, least consequential team in the league.

I mean, obviously teams like the Saints and Patriots are out, because everyone on Earth has like three hours' worth of opinions on them. You can't go with a team like the Panthers, because Cam Newton, or the Browns, because everyone brings them up when they think of "bad football team."

SO. Hmm. Maybe the Buccaneers? An obscure starting quarterback is key to this exercise, and on the national stage, Josh Freeman is basically a ghost. Their starting running back is a 23-year-old named Doug, which means he is a time traveler, but he doesn't have any cool time-traveling stories to tell.

Their logo is the most from-2002 logo I've ever seen in my life and I doubt they're ever going to bother to change it. They play in Tampa, which, I can't even remember which side of Florida that city is on half the time.

They're not particularly good, but they're also not terrible. Yeah, I think we've found your team.

Hi I am laid up in the hospital after trying to use my refrigerator's vegetable crisper as a bicycle helmet. What is the least likable team in the NFL thanks 4 yr answer & God bless you!!!

- Mheaghhean Z., Fudge, Kentucky

Well, this one is easy. My team for life, the Chiefs, is the least likable team, for the following reasons:

  • They play in Kansas City, which is quickly starting to become the most bagged-on city in America, surpassing even the likes of Indianapolis.
  • Their bright red and crayon yellow, as worn by a civilian, looks absolutely f***ing ridiculous.
  • The Todd Haley stink is still all over them.
  • They get all pissy when they start losing. See the Monday Night Meltdown from the late '90s. See also last week, when the Bills accused them of taking cheap shots.
  • Their quarterback, Matt Cassel, is not the worst quarterback in the NFL, but he IS the least fun to watch. My God is he boring.
  • They suck unbelievably badly.

It hasn't been all fiddlesticks and mud. My 22 years or so of Chiefs fandom have rewarded me with some really neat times. It's not that I'm suffering or anything. My team sucks and is terrible, that's all.

I missed the first quarter of Peyton Manning's performance against the Atlanta Reds. Could you please post it online "for me and for free," as they say?

- Menjamin B., Fudge, Kentucky

Certainly!

are there any folks on the web who have opinions about the N.F.L.

- Hankry L., Fudge, Kentucky

Sure are! Let's check in on game threads from blogs across SB Nation.

I BROKE MY REMOTE I THREW IT AGAINST THE WALL THIS IS SO STUPID I HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Chiefs enthusiast EspeciallyK on Arrowhead Pride

even a hobo could probably salvage enough scrap metal to find his way to walmart so he didn't look totally f***ing gross

- Bears enthusiast Allie at Windy City Gridiron

been real, see you guys next week.gonna go drink till i cant feel feelings now

- Patriots enthusiast zoltanmeskbro at Pats Pulpit

WE GET TO PUNT

SUCCESS

- Broncos enthusiast poorboywilly at Mile High Report

Btb_medium

- From the game thread at Blogging the Boys

That's it for this week, friends! Tune in next week, when I will once again ignore you in favor of people I have totally made up. For now, though, go away.

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