The first game of the 2012 NFL season will be played Wednesday night. In celebration, the NFL is producing a Kickoff Show at Rockefeller Center. Part of the celebration will include the unveiling of the 2012 season flags for each team, which will be performed by contest-winning fans of each team.
Also present will be an "NFL Legend" (proper noun) for each team. While the selections are certainly ... you know ... cool, or whatever, we feel like we could come up with a better assortment of team-specific legends that would be more representative of each franchise.
Arizona Cardinals: While Frank Sanders is a fine selection, nothing screams "Arizona" quite like
Atlanta Falcons: Sure, sure, Alge Crumpler has one of the all-time best names in the NFL and also sounds like a joke about Spongebob getting into a car accident, but you know who the Falcons fans really want to see? Bobby Petrino. It's not like he'll be doing anything on that day, anyway.
Baltimore Ravens: Have you seen Ed Reed lately? He probably shouldn't be playing football. "Looking at a flag" seems like something better suited for him right now. Maybe followed by a cup of tea and a nap.
Buffalo Bills: The Bills will be trotting out Steve Tasker, but if they're not going to land Jim Kelly, the least they can do for Buffalo fans is to bring out Scott Norwood for one more trip through the humiliation machine.
Carolina Panthers: Any event celebrating anything having to do with Carolina must involve Ric Flair. Pretty sure this is a federal law and the NFL is skating on thin ice here. But since we're going with football players here, Jake Delhomme's schedule is WIDE open at the moment.
Cleveland Browns: I think it's finally time for Tim Couch to be forgiven by the people of Cleveland. After all, if Bill Buckner can be welcomed back to Boston as a hero after the Red Sox won the World Series, surely the Browns fans can forgive and forget after their big Super Bowl win! Oh wait, sorry, I was holding this chart upside down. Apprently the Browns have not good anything happen to them in 50 years. Like, not even one thing. Sorry about that, fellas.
Dallas Cowboys: Here's what we're thinking: Leon Lett comes out, helps unveil the flag. He runs around the building with the flag, drops it, tries to recover it, steps on it, rips it, falls onto it, gets it in a mud puddle somehow (in Rockefeller Center) and eventually concedes the flag to the Dolphins.
Denver Broncos: Rod Smith is probably the best possible selection here. John Elway will be busy all running the team and whatnot and the other options are all boring. Crud, Elway is boring too. This is a boring-ass franchise. And they're STILL The most exciting thing about Colorado. Good lord.
Detroit Lions: The Lions are trolling everyone by inviting Charlie Sanders rather than Barry Sanders. That's like thinking you're going to meet Jennifer Lopez, but instead you end up with Mario Lopez. Sure, you may end up having a better time overall, but still really disappointing.
Houston Texans: They need to get Warren Moon in there. No, the Oilers and the Texans are not the same team but 1) nobody knows that and 2) who cares? The Texans don't have any "Legends" in their whopping 10-year history. Maybe this is the part of the ceremony where everyone goes to use the bathroom.
Indianapolis Colts: What's Peyton Manning doing Wednesday? Is he busy?
Jacksonville Jaguars: Sadly, Maurice Jones-Drew went back to work, otherwise he would have been the perfect choice. The Jaguars, unlike the Texans, have a rich history stretching all the way back to 1995, so they can celebrate their Super Bowl-winning -- oh, uh. Their Conference Champion -- oh. Hey! They've won TWO division titles! That's ... hmm. Sorry, what were we talking about?
Miami Dolphins: The Dolphins will be represented by Larry Little. Not Dan Marino, not Ray Finkle. Larry Little. Which is pretty par for the underwhelming course and thus the most perfect Dolphins move ever. Carry on, Miami.
Minnesota Vikings: Brett Favre should really be a part of this. It just wouldn't be the same without the ol' Gunslinger.
New England Patriots: Zeke Mowatt really wanted to be a part of this, but the way he asked to be included was technically illegal.
New Orleans Saints: There is a rumor that Sean Payton will be free on Wednesday.
New York Giants: Michael Strahan and Kelly Ripa, the two most famous New York Giants of all time, should really unveil the team flag live on their show. It would be the Inception of stilted, forced "entertainment."
New York Jets: Brett Favre should really be a part of this. It just wouldn't be the same without the ol' Gunslinger.
Oakland Raiders: Why didn't they invite Bo Jackson? Are they worried he'd just grab the flag and run off into the tunnel with it? (P.S. please do that, Bo.)
Pittsburgh Steelers: There are like a million famous Steelers players. They're going with Dermontti Dawson for this. Were they afraid that Mean Joe Greene would just go around throwing his shirt on people? He's gotten help for that, everyone. He's better now. Just don't give him a Coke, just to be safe.
San Diego Chargers: Maybe Ryan Leaf can be escorted to this on day leave?
San Francisco 49ers: The choice of Roger Craig is surprisingly solid compared to a lot of the other names, but it would be a lot more entertaining if Mike Singletary turned up and showed his butt to everyone. Actually, that's probably how he spends most of his free time nowadays.
Seattle Seahawks: No Brian Bosworth instantly renders this event a clownfraud. Events can be clownfrauds, right? I thought so. WAR BOZ.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Warren Sapp should stop by to talk about how he blew the lid off the Bountygate whistle-blower. Then he should go on a 30-minute tirade about how only cowards give anonymous quotes and that anyone who talks off the record should be horsewhipped. Then he should confiscate the Bucs flag "as evidence" and drive off in his car, which he calls "the Judgemobile."
Tennessee Titans: Yancey Thigpen called and said he'd do it for $2 million. The NFL tried to explain that's not how this event works, to which Thigpen responded, "Okay, $5 million." The NFL hung up immediately.
Washington Redskins: Two words: Heath Shuler.
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