2745 Chatwood Ave.: 5 bedroom, 4 bath. Infinity edge pool, hilltop view. $2.2 million.
Alex walks into the foyer and is greeted warmly by the realtor. There are a few other people prospective buyers milling around. "Hey, welcome!" says the realtor. "Let me show you around."
"Mhm, sure," says Alex, his eyes scanning the large living room for the complimentary snacks table. On a tour of the property, Alex feigns interest in the rooms and location, responding politely with an "mhm" here and a "sure, sure" there. He even manages to offer a mumbled, "Yeah might have to knock this wall down, sure" when the realtor mentions problems with "flow" between the den and sitting room.
The realtor wraps up his tour and offers Alex some refreshments. He acts surprised, remarking, "Oh wow, cold cuts! Thanks!" The realtor excuses himself to greet some new arrivals. Alex spends the next 15 minutes eating salami and Provolone. The realtor finally returns. Around a mouthful of cold cut, Smith responds, "Uh ... how does it work with these, uh ... eaves?" The realtor looks puzzled and glances at the ceiling. He offers some explanation of the vaulted ceilings and how they offer fantastic acoustics and really aren't as difficult to clean as they seem. While he's talking, Alex eats six more pieces of salami.
The realtor finishes his spiel and he and Alex look at one another for a few moments. Finally, Alex just says, "WELP" and strides out the front door.
6522 Cliffside Cir.: 4 bedroom, 3.5 bath. Beautiful renovated loft! $1.3 million
Alex is let into the building by a realtor and greeted by a second, who walks him up the stairs to the loft. This realtor explains the long history of the hundred-year-old building and describes the extensive renovations that have been done both to the building and the loft itself. Alex stares off into the middle distance, nodding when he feels it's appropriate.
Alex is shown around the place, all the while being far too enthusiastic than is warranted. In the bathroom: "Oh, WOW! You got a toilet and everything!" In the kitchen: "WHOOOOAAAA, an oven AND a microwave?! Far oooouuuutttt." In the bedroom: "WHOA WHOA WHOA you mean I can walk IN to this closet?! Get right outta town!"
Finally, the realtor finishes the tour at the complimentary spread laid out on the kitchen counter. "Oh no, I couldn't," says Alex, as he scoops half of the displayed cotto salami onto a small plate. He excuses himself to "use the facilities" and dashes down the steps, holding the plate of meat like a newborn.
1530 Victoria Dr.: 6 bedroom, 6 bath. Secluded; greenhouse. $3 million
At this house, Alex is taken on a tour with a trio of other prospective buyers, but veers off halfway through the tour and heads back to the living room. He eats cold cuts and drinks club soda until he hears the group returning, then leaves abruptly, tucking a napkin filled with prosciutto into his jacket pocket as he goes.
98 Taraval Ave.: Studio Apt. (NO PARKING). $850/mo
Alex arrives and finds there is no refreshment table. He turns on his heel and leaves immediately.
122 Townsend St.: 2 bedroom, 2 bath condo. Right on the Embarcadero! $1.6 million
Alex walks straight to refreshment table and begins chain-eating salami. After about five minutes, a realtor walks over, scowling.
"I just got a call from a fellow agent in Nob Hill. Apparently you're just going from open house to open house, eating the free food? With no real intent to buy?"
The realtor sighs. "Mr. Smith, aren't you an NFL quarterback? Couldn't you just afford any amount of cold cuts and cheese? Don't you have a very nice house?"
Alex just stares at the realtor and slowly fills his mouth with salami. It seems his Sundays always end up like this.