TAKEAWAYS: Snappy Answers to Super Bowl Questions

Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

The people at your Super Bowl party are going to suck. They're not going to know as much about football as you. If you don't feel like taking football ignorance in stride, here are some snappy answers to stupid Super Bowl questions.

I have friends that exist outside my computer screen. A lot of them are guys who like to watch football and drink beer with me, which is awesome. Except they're not really privy to the informed sports fan universe (as an SBNation reader, you are a member of this universe; high five!) so they'll say dumb stuff a lot. For example, during the BCS National Championship Game one of my friends, a guy who had gone to an Ivy League school mind you, said "at least Notre Dame gives its players an education." That's like something you'd read on Troll Tuesday. But because his knowledge of sports discourse is only an inch deep, he didn't know any better.

There'll be people like that at your Super Bowl party. SBNation's own Jon Bois has covered them in detail. Which is why I've come up with this handy guide of Snappy Answers to Stupid Super Bowl Questions:

Did you know the Ravens and Niners coaches are brothers?

  • "Harbaugh is a pretty common football name. Remember when Brett Harbaugh beat Drew Harbaugh in the Super Bowl back in '96?"
  • "JIm is definitely the GOB of that family."
  • "Even weirder, they were born sisters."

Shouldn't Ray Lewis be in jail?

  • "No, you're thinking of Art Modell. You said 'be in hell,' right?"
  • "His pre-game dance is tacky but if being tacky were a crime, then Guy Fieri would've been hanged by now."
  • "Jumping onto a ballcarrier after three men have already tackled him technically isn't assault, though."
Why is New Orleans booing the commissioner?
  • "He spoke truth to power; it's about time someone said Treme was a crappy show."
  • "Under the Napoleonic Code, the commissioner is presumed incompetent until proven otherwise."
  • "He did the unthinkable; he said KFC was better than Popeye's."
Do you think Beyonce will lip sync the Super Bowl halftime show, too?
  • "No but the other members of Destiny's Child might as well be called 'Milli' and "Vanilli.'"
  • "I hope not; if she does, then this game isn't legally binding and the Patriots win the Super Bowl by default."
  • "Still better than the fucking Black Eyed Peas."
What's the deal with Colin Kaepernick's tattoos?
  • "He's got memory problems like the guy from Memento; that's the Niners playbook on his arm."
  • "They're 'yo mamma' jokes that get help him get into opposing defensive linemen's heads."
  • "It's actually a bunch of Bible verses; I'm rooting for the Ravens because they're not from the Necronomicon."
Can we mute the game but put on the volume for the commercials?
  • "I know Phil Simms is bad, but he can't be worse than Danica Patrick trying to sell us on GoDaddy."
  • "Pretty sure the dialogue won't make a difference in the Bud Light commercial about a guy getting hit in the nuts."
  • "If you have a mute button, then why didn't you use it during the Matchbox 20 pregame concert?"
Don't you wish Tim Tebow were playing in this?
  • "Go fuck yourself."
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