Folks, it's our legal duty to give you fair warning about the strong takes ahead. Good thing it's PARODY, because they'd lock us up otherwise. All spelling errors are intentional (we think). -- Ed.
Good news and bad news:
Good News- The season that makes up the first quarter of the season is over. Now its time for the Superbowl of the first quarter: week 5.
Bad News- Week 5 is also the preseason of the second quarter of the season.
Road Grader Of The Week- J.J. Watt
J.J.s the ultimate warrior out there. He had more blood poring from his nose then Josh Freebase in the Studio 54 bathroom folks. In true Road Grader fashion he just licks his own blood off like its not a big deal (Vince Wilfork would of needed a spoon) and keeps plugging. My criteria for a Road Graders as follows- You've got to have a motor, you've got to do heavy lifting and you've got to impose your will on folks. JJ Watt has all three in spades, no offence. Last time I saw a DT this violent was Koren Robinson on March 18th folks.
Show-Off Of The Week- Josh Freeman
So while the US government is literally shutting down because we cant afford to pay for Obamacare, Josh Freemans dropping Press Releases all over creation bragging about how he can get two DIFFRENT prescriptions for "ADD" while Americas burning to the ground,, your not going to win many friends like that Josh. Lets be honest here how many Americans have to die before Freeman can get it through his thick skull that America spends more money on athletes pretending to be sick so they can get out of work than any other medical expendature? As if that werent enough, the coward leaked to the press that he brought a NWA family-tree sized posse of orphans to a game that he wasn't even playing in just to make enough noise to spook Mike Glennon. Well Schiano caught wind and had 'em all booted from the stadium in a move that further cements his vice-grip on the reigns of that once-troubled franchise.
Lunch Pail Fella Of The Week- Danny Woodhead
Newsboy Woodhead sez, "Extree extree, I scowed 2 Tee Deez I tells ya. Phillie Rivaz was trowin dat ball on a dime folks. Read all about it" Lol, see I picture Woodhead as almost kindve a newsboy here saying this. I call him "The Newsboy" fyi because he always delivers and as a White RB he's a part of a dying industry but you still need him on Sundays.
Announcer Of The Week- Cris Collingsworth (2 time award winner)
Cris is the type guy whose not afraid to call it like he sees them which is why "The Patriot Way" is his second favorite saying behind only "She Looked 18 To Me Sir." Folks, Cris was in rare form on Sunday Night just gushing over Bill Belichicks unique ability to get troubeled players to buy in to his system with no exceptions whatsoever including this year from any players. Cris is a guy you want in your foxhole whether your cruising for babes at laser tag or in the booth during a blowout. Hes always going to have some smooth transitions when it seems like the play is slowing down and thats why you keep him up there. He rightfully pointed out that Aqib Talib has not even shot his handgun at someone he wanted to kill even once since he technically became Belichicks employee, and if you take away Brandon Merriweather and Aaron Hernandez three times no one else has either.