Happy Brownsbills Day!

Jason Miller

It's the most blunderful time of the year.

You waited and waited, and waited some more. It seemed like it was taking forever to get here. Every day seemed longer than the one before it, even as it crept tantalizingly closer. But now it's here.

BROWNSBILLS DAY

Of course, most of us are quite familiar with Brownsbills Day, one of America's oldest and most beloved holidays. However, in the event you're a recent immigrant, or a baby, or a traitor (note: most babies are traitors), here's a quick review of this wonderful, if eccentric, celebration.

Where does Brownsbills Day get its name?

The common misconception is that it's a portmanteau of "Browns" and "Bills," since the holiday only takes place when these two teams play, but it actually dates back to a 19th century Dutch trader named Gerolf De Bruyn. De Bruyn had agreed to transport a cart of timber from Buffalo to Cleveland, but when he arrived, his Ohio buyers said the goods weren't of championship quality and refused to pay, and Gerolf vowed revenge. Thus, "De Bruyn's bills" became "Brownsbills."

(The lumber eventually made its way to Miami and won two NBA titles.)

What are some Brownsbills Day traditions?

Well, there's the football game, of course -- Buffalo's won the last two Brownsbills Day contests, though after their win in 2010, the visiting fans from Cleveland refused to leave town for four months and just lined up along the streets of town, booing until they died of exposure.

Both cities agree, however, that the MOST Brownsbills Day game of all took place in 2009, when Cleveland won 6-3 in a game where the over-under was listed at 42 points. The victorious quarterback (who claims the title of Pappy Brownsbills until the next game is played) that day was Derek Anderson. This was his stat line:

2 completions, 17 attempts, 23 passing yards, 1 interception, 1 sack, 1 rush, 2 yards rushing

Anderson's performance was so Brownsbills that both cities came together to build a monument in his honor made out of medical waste and discarded hotel carpeting. You can still see it today if you happen to be incarcerated in Allenwood Federal Correctional Complex, where the monument is serving an 18 year sentence for mail fraud.

Of course, it's not all about football. There's the Paper Clip Eating Contest, the Bicycle With One Wheel Missing Throw and, best of all, the Futility Piñata.

What's the Futility Piñata?

It's where you take a solid ball of steel, paint "TRENT EDWARDS" on it and then try to break it open by throwing money at it. Eventually everyone just goes home and feels bad.

How can I get in on the Brownsbills Day fun?

Short of going to the game, gather some friends, eat some traditional Brownsbills Day horseradish pie, and sing a Brownsbills carol. My favorite is "Hark The Gerard Warren Sings."

Hark, the Gerard Warren sings
Browns vs. Bills! The game of kings!
Missed third downs and fumbled balls
Here, just have some holding calls
New York's only true-owned team
Cleveland, Ohio's Downstream
Though we've both our share of grief
We did not draft Ryan Leaf
Hark, the Gerard Warren sings
Brownsbills! Who needs Super Bowl Rings?

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