Folks, these are strong takes, so strong that our legal team says we must label them PARODY. All spelling errors are intentional, we believe. -Ed.
Road Grader Of The Week: "Big Ben" Roethlessberger
Rumors started to fly like a Georgia sorority girls skirt before the Steelers took the field on Sunday that Big Ben was requesting a trade. And who can blame him. All Bens done in Pittsburgh is win two Superbowls under two different head coaches which really says something about his abliity to understand completely diffrent dialects of American English no offense.
Lets talk trade value here for Big Ben, you have to believe the market price would be 5 or 6 first round picks given that the Redskins gave up 3 to get RG3 and Big Ben has been cleared of more then twice as many sexual assault allegations as Griffin.
I'm personally hoping for a scenario that sends Big Ben out to the dessert to team up with his old OC Bruce Arians and no-nonsense Sherrif Joe Arpaio who will keep Ben in line and also educate him on taxlaw and politics setting the stage for Senator Roethlessberger in 2020 running on a platform of border and ball security while buying time in the pocket until another Bush kid can get open downfield for the 2024 nod.
Fan Of The Week: My Second Cousin Cody
Danny "Newsboy" Woodhead Lunchpail Fella Of The Week: Rob Ryan
Ryans actually more of a thermos guy then a lunchpail fella,, I call him the mosquito because he only eats liquid lunches and you got to imagine his stomachs constantly filled with blood. True hes a type guy youd sooner expect to see selling novelty glassware then papers on the corner but if you take your fans out for beers after a big win, your going straight to the top of my list folks.
I took my hat off for Rob for 4 straight hours as his Saints put a hurtin on them boys from Big D. In Louisiana if you want to stick it to your old boss you usualy just put a spell on there floor-model terrariums but Ryan has always been a bit of a loose cannon doing things his own way and Sunday night his Saints D showed up big time.
Its almost tricky to tell where Robs more effective these days- on goal-line stands or daquiri stands. Alot of people say Rob looks like a pirate with gout, or that you shouldnt let him around anyone whose never been to prison, but Ive got a lot of time for Rob despite what his liver test results say.
Announcer Of The Week: Fox Sports' Jay Glazer
Jay scored a major coup by landing the very first interview with Richie Incognito that didnt take place in a room with a pool table with a breederdog chained to it,, and finally we all got to hear Richies side of the story. Hats off to Jay Glazer for scoring a interview with a guy hed only been in business with for 4 years.
FYI Im going to break a little bit of news here- In trying to educate myself as to how cool Jay Glazer is I stumbeled on to his wikipedia page which came with teh warning that it was edited by someone with a clear conflict on interest. huh.
So I went on the talk page and it said that someone name Josh Rosenthal was doing all the editing and claimed that Jay Glazer was a client of his. Huh. Then the wikipedia editor (and probably nerd) said that people should google Josh Rosenthal which I did and it said hes a MMA referee who just got busted with literally $6 million dollars worth of pot in his warehouse and is going to jail for three years. Guy like that whose got $6 million dollars worth of drugs to smoke claiming hes a client of Jay Glazers. And Jay might be paying him to edit his wikipedia page for him. How cool is that folks?
Anyhoo, Jay Glazers supercool and his interview with Richie Incognito hit all the right spots, it had awesome camrawork with the camers moving around a bunch like they were allready making the movie version of the story as it was happening and letting everyone know how seriously they were taking the story and afterwards all signs pointed clearly to Jonathan Martin needing to sack up.