It's our obligation to remind you that these strong takes are presented as PARODY. For the literal-minded football fans, there's the door. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Road Grader Of The Week: Philip Rivers
Although its not for lack of gumption, Danny Woodhead cant throw AND catch his own passes folks. All Philip Rivers did this week was walk into Denver on the toughest night of the week to get work acomplished since half the town takes fridays off to go drive towards a mountain they can walk around on on Saturday. On Thursday night ol Punchajabroni Phil saw his shadow and put the Chargers on track towards 4 more weeks of NFL playoffs.
I gave Rivers the ol road grader award this week because with the way he plays hes either digging a hole for the Chargers or digging his way out,, theres no in-between with this guy.not the most accurate passer sometimes so technically any place more then 10 yds downfield is a hard hat zone.
I'll tell you who Im NOT going to give my Road Grader award to is some kicker just for doing there only job correctly. Call me old school maybe Im just a fuddy duddy but I hope Harbaugh benches Tucker for his few two kicks next Sunday for running his mouth and taking a way from what could of been a TEAM victory over the Lions. He gets liquored up and goes in front of the cameras and boasts about making some fantasy basement nerd have to change his pants or whatever I'm sorry but that rubs me the wrong way. I forget did Tucker also snap hold and block for his Field Goal kicks or was that his teammates yeah didnt think so thats what I thought. Also he didnt follow through correctly on the kick you need to follow through on your kicks son. Hell, release your hips and pull through it at padlevel IMO,makes you almost put a asterisks next to the final score there.
Danny "Newsboy" Woodhead Lunchpail Fella Of The Week: Terence Garvin & Jason Worlds
Jason Worlds does this every primetime and you have to admit its probly the best thing ever:
Also there coached by a guy whose been around so long they didnt even eat lunch in his day you had to eat the other guys or you were going hungry, Dick "The Beautiful Dick" LeBeau.
Terence Garvin is a no name guy who punches in and clocks out when he goes to work in Steel city. He packed his lunch on Sunday folks when he just absolutely detroyed that nerd punter on Cincinatti. Now you might say that the Cininatti punter had it coming but you wouldnt say that about Hubers wife anymore now that the Bungles punter near bit of his tounge. You need to have your head on a swivel in the NFL specially if your a specialist. Fortunately this great hit by Garvin opened up our eyes to the NFL rulebook- if you read it closely you can see the best pranking of kickers since Vanderjagt got pranked by those guys who stole all his stuff and woudnt give it back: The NFL rule-book says that kickers, at all times, during all plays are technically defenseless players- not just Janikowski when hes on the witness stand folks.
I swear the nosebreathers who follow Cris Mortonsen on Twitter wouldnt know hardnosed football if it hit them from the blindside under there chinstrap, but fortunately I was able to set a couple've them straight (shout out to Brian Floyd for captureing this so I can show my kids one day when they ask "what does daddy do for a liveing?":
I was able to educate this guy and there was another one that I educated that Huber could play because his neck wasnt broken he only had a nicked vertebre so all in all I think I toughened some fans up out there.
Announcer Of The Week: Mike Mayock of The NFL Network
Mayocks got many takes, none of them strong about NFL football. Most times hes pretty much like if you gave Sylvester the cat a microphone and a 1980s understanding of situational offense and told him to call a game. Hes got the whole world fooled since taking over the NFLNetwork booth from Joe Theisman and Matt Millen, so to be fair you could of put a 5 year old boy smashing earthworms with a hammer behind the mic and it would of made for more relevant commentary then those two dunces.
Mayocks doesnt have any cool catchphrases like, "Pack that rascal in a car and send him down the Rio!" or anything. Instead hes got "Mayockisms" which are like how your ex-girlfriend use to say stupid little phrases her parents always said around the house when your just trying to watch the damn game and is probably why she was all stuck up and quit midseason.
One of Mayocks favorites is "That guys Good in a phone booth." Not sure what that means really but Im assuming hes talking about Titus Young like a Colin Ferrel type situation where the SWAT teams outside. Well on Thursday night he broke out a all-time Mayockism when he called Danny Woodhead "The Paperboy" which you better believe perked my ears straight up. Pretty close to Newsboy I guess but its a little disrespectful since "Paperboy" implies like some kid on a bike who might sleep with your wife if your not vigilent. Newsboy implies hustle and grit since you've got to make it on your own delivering the goods on Sundays. Paperboy implys hes freeloading off someone else in the driver seat running him around at 5 AM when the real Danny Woodheads already been in the weight room for two hours folks.
Fans Of The Week: The Bears!!!
Im not racist nor am I sexist against Gays. I have no problem with you if your the type guy who likes other guys as long as you act exactly like me and my defnition of a Straight man. These fellas here are problably super Gay in there spare time but notice how there not doing a parade or showing off by trying to list each other as dependents on there insurance and rubbing MY face in it? If your going to be Gay the best way is probably to take your shirt off at a 25 degree game and pound some beers like a real man. You talk about Mans man type stuff well this is it.
Heres my one big problem with these guys: They could of painted DABEARS! on there chests but they didn't. The Gay football community needs to come and come down HARD on these guys. Your the underdogs, you need to get out there and prove that your not only equal, your MORE equal than straight fans. Have your buddy paint some letters on your chest or whatever it can be like a fun date thing you guys do.
Im not Gay btw. Im very consistent on this. But you know what the absolute best TV shows are,, when a straight guy pretends to be Gay (because girls all love Gay guys for shopping and stuff and just dishing about their bitchy friends) and then the Straight guy gets to watch them take there panties off and wax there privates for them and watch them change!. I want to try that sometime and then casualy pivot them into realizing Im a Straight and then theyll allready be in love with me and we can do trusting sex.
Now its true these guys might not be actually Gay, they might only be Gay when there watching football which is very possible and more common then you might think, its a underground scene called NFDL which Im not suppose to talk about. Just fellas who get really excited about football is all. But at any rate I wish these guys all the happiness in the world so long as they dont go hotdogging and making everybody else be Gay too but heck maybe Im just old fashion. So congrats to the Chicago Bears for proving that you dont have to be a Straight to enjoy watching Jay Cutler touch another guys butt 60 times in 4 hours.